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“THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!!”

“THE BEST IS YET TO COME”

For once, I agree with that demented dimwit Donald Trump. Do what diabolical Donald says, you fake “Christian” conservative Kool-Aid drinkers. Defund the Republican Party! Send all of your money to deranged Donald Trump, right now, so that your asinine anti-Christ Trump can buy a new country club to hide out in.

When the fine folks of South Florida finally descend upon tacky Mar-a-Lago with lit torches and pointy pitchforks in hand (which is sure to happen soon after the full truth of what traitor Trump unsuccessfully attempted on January 6th is revealed to all in Trump’s upcoming criminal trial), Don the con is going to need a new golf course to cheat on – and a new wife to cheat on once Melania divorces him!

So send your money now to be converted into Scarface-sized mounds of cocaine to be deposited in full up Donald Trump, Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle’s noses. “The best is yet to come!!!”

Sincerely,
Jake Pickering
Arcata, CA, USA

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COMET GOT YOUR TAIL?

Astronomers have just discovered that the moon has a tail.*

Not a cat’s tail, but a “comet-like” tail, produced by sodium atoms ejected from the lunar surface, which is constantly bombarded by meteors. As the sodium atoms rise from the volcanic ash that surrounds them, sunlight intersects them, creating a stream of dust particles (photons) that, though invisible to the naked eye, spray a narrow beam of light in our direction that “wraps around Earth’s atmosphere” for
a few days each month, then “shoots out into space” after new moon is over. Some scientists speak about it in almost reverential terms, calling it “a magical thing” and proof of the moon’s “dynamism.”

Since it took nearly a quarter-century to reach that conclusion after the phenomenon was first observed, and fourteen years of data gathering, mathematical calculation and rigorous testing of physico-chemical hypotheses to confirm it, I can understand their professional enthusiasm. However, from a mundane and
world-weary point of view, the existence of what amounts to a lunar wind stretching 500,000 miles into space is not what I would call earth-shaking.

As far as I can see, all it means is more debris, more pollution, and more allergies than ever before. Granted, those “narrow beams” of light have been up to no good for a long time, without our being aware of it; in that sense, nothing has changed except our consciousness of what is going on out on the final frontier.

If nature abhors a vacuum, then why doesn’t someone get a vacuum cleaner (as Mel Brooks did, in Spaceballs) and suck up all of that stuff before it gets under our nose, not to mention our skin? If this is such a breakthrough, why aren’t we prepared to get rid of the mess, even if it means paying a few astronauts overtime to clean up the cosmos?

There may be nothing new under the sun, but as Prospero chided Miranda, “’tis new to thee.” New or old, I can’t get too excited about something that’s invisible, unless it has a name, like Claude Rains, or H.G. Wells, or Ralph Ellison. Perhaps that’s all that’s needed to give this find the hype that it deserves. If they call the lunar wind Mariah, then even the Man in the Moon might pay more attention to it, and start chasing his own tail, especially at harvest time.

That may prove futile, but then, so is life. Halley’s Comet is due back in 2061, only 40 years from now. By then we should have enough experience chasing invisible moonbeams not to care who’s chasing whom. What’s in a name, Sisyphus? If you ask me, it’s just sheer lunacy. Despise, previous moon.

*Robin George Andrews, “The Moon Has a Comet-Like Tail. Every Month It Shoots a Beam Around Earth.” New York Times (March 4, 2021). Source for all quotations above.

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KANSAS CITY CHEEKS

Kansas City, lose the racist team name already. Just like your vaunted offense lost its ability to score points during Super Bowl LV, losing to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in an embarrassing blowout.

Tom Brady is now officially the greatest football player of all time, thanks to you, K.C. – good going! And the “Chiefs” moniker is last century stuff, not to mention bigoted.

As for K.C.’s home field Arrowhead Stadium – please! Chucklehead Stadium would be a much more appropriate name, considering their largely low-IQ fan base whose racist outbursts during games are a continuing disgrace to the National Football League.

Here’s ten new team name options for the NFL’s most blatantly racist fan base in K.C.:

* Kansas City Cheeks
* Kansas City Cheaps
* Kansas City Jeeps
* Kansas City Kanyes
* Kansas City Kardashians
* Kansas City Cthulhus
* Kansas City Chumbawambas
* Kansas City Chipotles
* Kansas City Coup d’etats
* Kansas City Cancun Cruzes

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Today’s News, Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow . . .

You’ve gotten your second COVID-19 vaccination. When will your life get back to normal?
That was the headline in the Chicago Tribune (Feb. 25, 2021). Having gotten my second
vaccine just a few days ago, I thought that as a public service, I should take a shot at the
500,000 lives lost Quiz, just to see if I could win the grand no-consolation prize. Here is
my contest entry. Just to make sure I covered all the bases, I gave them three answers:

A.  Never         B.  The day I die.         C.  What does ‘normal’ mean anymore?

        Unfortunately, the correct answer turned out to be:

D.  When the media stop asking that stupid question.

In my eagerness to win the race, I forgot to touch home plate. Serves me right
for being over-anxious. But I’m sure I’ll get another chance–when the Reaper
knocks on my doorbell, and says “hello, I’m from Publishers’ Charnel House.”
They’re in Washington, DC–where every House has a plague of some sort.
After all, misery loves company. And no one is immune to the BS Virus.

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Nearer My Beer To Thee

Mayor Lori Lightfoot signs ‘Welcoming City’ ordinance update, ending Chicago police cooperation with federal immigration agents (Chicago Tribune, Feb. 21, 2021)

“Mayor Lori Lightfoot signed an ordinance Tuesday closing loopholes in Chicago’s Welcoming City ordinance, prohibiting police from cooperating with federal immigration authorities to deport immigrants living in the country without legal permission who have criminal backgrounds.”

Bulletin sounds shocking to those who are unfamiliar with the Windy City, yet there’s no cause for alarm. This is simply an update of the existing statute, passed in 1925. The Sicilian Immigration Act (aka Capone Law) was intended to protect migrant beer distributors from being deported to Indiana and Wisconsin. After nearly a century, it was in danger of becoming obsolete, due to advances in technology (microbreweries) coupled with changing perceptions of Sicilians (Battle of Anzio, 1943).

Indeed, it was only in the last few years that Americans learned that Anzio is on the mainland of Italy, and that Al Capone was born in Brooklyn, NY, although his ancestors came from the province of Salerno, in Campania, not far from the ruins of Pompei. (By coincidence, Frank Nitti, who succeeded Capone as head of The Chicago Outfit, was born in the same village as were Capone’s parents; he came to America when he was a child. His family also settled in Brooklyn. Nitti’s mother was Capone’s first cousin, which is also a coincidence. Then again, maybe not).

In any case, now that Chicago lies in ruins, thanks to gentrification and the rule of the Top 1%, the city mothers, led by Mayor Lightfoot, have taken the old law out of the cement and brought it back to life. And it’s a good thing, too. After all, Chicago is a welcoming city. That’s why Donald Trump used it as a doormat for so many years, even as he defaced the magnificent Chicago skyline by erecting a hideous high-rise dungeon to tower over State Street. Indeed, he is not welcome there, under any circumstances. It may take awhile just to close that particular Loophole. But as Scarface explained, “that’s why I got good mouthpieces.” Now all Chicago needs is an expert on income tax evasion, and the local gentry will just have to go rule elsewhere, before they wear out their welcome.

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