Bill Cosby - Humor Times

Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/19/23

By Paul Lander, June 19, 2023

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    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Pat Sajak leaving 'Wheel of Fortune,' doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_107807" align="aligncenter" width="750"] Pat Sajak to retire.[/caption]
Pat Sajak will retire from ‘Wheel of Fortune’ after 4+ decades as host
So, sounds like, Pat’s throwing in the vowel …
The Unabomber has died
Here’s betting no one wants to unseal his will.
PGA and Saudi LIV Tour officially merge
PGA will now be known as the ‘Pro Gulf Association.’
Transgender activist Rose Montoya goes topless and holds her breasts at White House
… Totally unnecessary, given the amount of out in open number of boobs in DC.
Scarlett Johansson shares key to successful marriage with Colin Jost
… Mostly, no hanging out alone with that Pete Davidson.
Congratulations to the Denver Nuggets on being NBA Champs
And to the Detroit Pistons, who already are mathematically eliminated from being champs in 2024.
Penn State professor accused of committing sexual acts with an animal in PA state forest
… Sounds like he misunderstood the term heavy petting.
Bill Cosby’s trending
... I’m not gonna drink to that!
Joe Exotic calls out Trump
So, it's the Tiger King against the Lyin' King!
Brad Pitt goes off on Angelina Jolie's 'vindictive' winery sale
And she fires back, proving 2023 is very good year for 'whine.'
Ja Morant receives 26 game suspension for waving around a gun
Let’s face it; not even Susan Collins thinks Ja’s learned his lesson.
Meghan Markle's podcast isn't coming back for a second season, and she and Harry aren't getting the full $20 million payout from their Spotify deal
So … no need to tip over Joe Rogan’s couch for the extra money.
Stone penis found in medieval Spanish ruins: Experts
So, that’s where Keith Richard’s left it.
Lindsey Graham and Putin exchange heated words
Man, you can just feel the sexual tension …
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about Pat Sajak leaving ‘Wheel of Fortune,’ doesn’t need to be complicated and … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/6/23

By Paul Lander, March 6, 2023March 5, 2023

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    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the Tubi streamer service, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_106694" align="aligncenter" width="750"] Fox CEO turns down offers for Tubi.[/caption]
Fox CEO Lachlan Murdoch reportedly turned down multiple offers over $2 billion to buy Tubi as streamer reports record users and ad revenue
So, I guess it was not Tubi…
DeSantis Disney appointee said tap water might be turning people gay
Really, I always thought that seemed more likely from sparkling water.
USA Today network, newspapers and distributor drop Dilbert
Dilbert did make the newspapers one more time … in the Obits.
Biden awards Medal of Honor to Black Vietnam War hero after paperwork 'lost' twice
George Santos: You're welcome.
Prince Andrew Is reportedly threatening to write a tell-all book unless his royal status is reinstated
Look for it to be called ‘Spare No One!’
Matthew McConaughey on Lufthansa flight that left 7 people hospitalized
Fortunately, in the end, everyone's going to be "Alright. Alright. Alright."
CPAC 2023: Marjorie Taylor Greene whips up boos for Ukraine's Zelensky
It seems CPAC’s now so pro-Russian that next year it’ll be called CCCPac.
Murdaugh guilty
Which makes him a convicted Murdaugher.
Disney’s new Tron ride: Lightcycle seats cause rider discomfort
Apparently, the ride is sponsored by Southwest Airlines ...
Yoko Ono turned 90
No word if she’s trying to break up AARP.
Report: Bill Cosby going back on tour
You can use your cell phones, while all drinks will be locked in pouches during show.
'Should you know if a trainee does your eye surgery?'
Good chance if you don't know before you're not going to be able to pick them out afterward.
Record snow falls in parts of Southern California
If ever Charlie Sheen was looking for a sign to relapse, this would be it.
A Florida man dies from brain eating amoeba
… In Florida … I’m surprised the amoeba didn’t die from starvation!
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about the Tubi streamer service, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/7/21

By Paul Lander, December 7, 2021December 6, 2021

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    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even Pink news, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_97174" align="aligncenter" width="750"] Pink recovers from hip surgery.[/caption]
Pink shares update about ‘brutal’ recovery from hip surgery
Get better! You’d think anything hip would come easy to Pink.
Quebec to release half its maple syrup strategic reserve over global shortage
In a related move, the EU released its reserve supply of French Toast and Belgian Waffles.
False report of Kyle Rittenhouse suing Whoopie Goldberg and Joy Behar for defamation
Rittenhouse suing Whoopie and Joy Behar for defamation would be like OJ Simpson suing everyone.
Psychics, tarot readers, astrologers say they’ve experienced a deluge of scammers who clone their accounts to solicit payments from their followers for faux readings
You’d think they would have seen this coming.
CNN fires Chris Cuomo during investigation on how he helped his brother
So, it looks like the only person Andrew Cuomo actually screwed was Chris Cuomo.
Former Senator Bob Dole passes away at 98
Bob Dole says Bob Dole had a consequential life at being Bob Dole. God, speed.
'Super flexible' Joe Rogan says he can perform fellatio on himself
… Proving anyone who says he’s completely talentless wrong!
MLB locks out players, officially initiates baseball's first work stoppage since 1994-95 strike
I’m betting the Astros saw this coming from inside their scoreboard while using binoculars.
Lara Logan compared Dr. Fauci to Josef Mengele
The crazy part is people are still unsure she meant it as a bad thing.
Dow drops as much as 971 points amid troubles in China’s real estate market
So, the Stock Market dropped like it went out for drinks with Bill Cosby.
Justice who told Susan Collins that Roe was ‘settled law’ looks ready to allow abortion limits
Rumor has it, Collins is so mad at Conservative SCOTUS Justices’ abortion case questionings that she might just wag her index finger at them.
Kanye West says he has made ‘mistakes’ in marriage to Kim Kardashian but wants to ‘restore’ it
While Pete Davidson checks out to see who his next girlfriend, uh, next SNL female guest host will be.
Happy 52nd Birthday, Jay Z
You got 99 problems; and pretty soon, getting up in the middle of the night to pee will be one!
Coronavirus: Unvaccinated travelers barred from Canadian planes and trains as of today
... but politely …
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even Pink news, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/6/21

By Paul Lander, July 6, 2021

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    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even about the US Olympic team, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_94769" align="aligncenter" width="750"] One US Olympic team THC could really help.[/caption]
Sha'Carri Richardson suspended from US Olympic team after testing positive for THC
C'mon, the only contest THC performance-enhances is pie eating.
Caitlyn Jenner wants to move homeless people to 'big open fields,' saying they are 'destroying Venice Beach'
So, Kim’s backyard …?
Meghan McCain to leave ‘The View’
Look for her new show... ‘FOX and I Have No Friends.’
Free-from-prison Bill Cosby already getting offers to entertain again, spokesperson says
Rumor has it Bill Cosby is to make comeback in the all African-American Broadway production of 'Fiddler on the Roofie.'
Porn Star Stormy Daniels just offered more evidence that Donald Trump paid to cover up their affair
If anyone is great at undercover work, it’s Stormy.
How dangerous is the Delta variant, and will it cause a Covid surge in the U.S?
All I know is, I don't trust anything named Delta until they find my f**king luggage from 2017!
Rep. Val Demings to take on Marco Rubio in Florida Senate race
It’s the Cop vs. the Cop Out.
Sharks use earth’s magnetic field for navigation
Although, the American Bar Association still recommends members use GPS devices to be sure.
Cannabis lounges are finally legal in Las Vegas
I’m surprised, surprised they’d risk losing all that money at the ‘All You Can Eat Buffets.’
Megan Fox celebrates being bisexual in sultry Pride selfie
Calm down, folks, that just doubles the number of people who don't have a shot ...
Happy 50th Birthday, Elon Musk
Or, as they say at Space X, you’ve turned the Big L.
New York State Bar Association removes Rudy Giuliani from its membership
Pretty sure this isn't the first time Rudy’s been tossed from a bar.
Bruce Springsteen, Paul Simon to headline Central Park Homecoming Concert
Look for Art Garfunkel and the E Street Band to be working concessions.
Large alligator attacks woman shielding her dog at lake in Florida neighborhood
… No word if the gator thought she tasted like chicken …
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even about the US Olympic team, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what … Read more

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Comedian Chris Rock

By Dean Kaner, February 6, 2021February 6, 2021

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    [post_content] => Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews comedian Chris Rock.
ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it's The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We'll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is comedian Chris Rock.

[caption id="attachment_91736" align="alignleft" width="400"] Comedian Chris Rock. Photo: Gordon Correll, flickr.com.[/caption]

CHRIS ROCK

I'm a big star.

JERRY

You sure you're not Bill Cosby's illegitimate child?

CHRIS

Could be, bro. Speaking of Cosby. Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar... I don't remember the rest, but it ain't pretty.

JERRY

Do you know what Cosby's favorite Disney character is?

CHRIS

Nah.

JERRY

Sleeping Beauty. Back to the interview.

JERRY

You grew up in the Crown Heights section of Brooklyn. Mom was a social worker and dad a truck driver.

CHRIS

Man, it was rough. The other day I saw a license plate that said, 'I miss Brooklyn.' So I smashed their rear window and stole the radio so they would feel at home.

JERRY

Is it true you dropped out of high school?

CHRIS

Yeah. But I got my GED... Good Enough Diploma. There are two things I tell high school dropouts. First, you tried your hardest. Second, I don't want pickles on my Big Mac.

JERRY

How did you earn a living?

CHRIS

I worked at fast food restaurants. Cleaned toilets, washed windows. Menial crap. When I was at KFC, they didn't even use toilet paper because everything was finger lickin' good.

JERRY

That sucks. So how did you become a comedian?

CHRIS

In 1984, I started doing standup at Catch a Rising Star. Eddie Murphy saw my act and became my mentor. Even got me a gig in one of his movies. Eddie and I were so close that he shared a dark secret.

JERRY

Tell me. Please. Pretty please? I need ratings.

CHRIS

Well, okay. Eddie told me that he couldn't figure out which of the Spice Girls he wanted to impregnate.

JERRY

Sorry I asked.

JERRY

Your success is amazing. You were a regular on Saturday Night Live from 1992-93, have done dozens of HBO comedy specials, and successfully produced and narrated the television show Everybody Hates Chris.

CHRIS

I'm a tough guy. Not some wimp like Woody Allen.

They laugh hysterically.

JERRY

Oh, no. Woody is on caller id. Excuse me.

WOODY ALLEN

Mr. Duncan. I was just dissed by a fellow comedian and must defend my honor.

JERRY

Okay. I'm putting the Rockster on the call.

WOODY

Are you there, Chris? You nasty man.

CHRIS

You're a wuss. I hear Sun Yi sinks your boats and rubber ducky in the bathtub.

WOODY

Your wife is so ugly that when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

JERRY

Hold on. I suggest you find common ground. You're both from Brooklyn.

WOODY

Well, sort of. I was lost and found. When I was ten, my family moved to Brooklyn. When I was twelve, I found them.

CHRIS

My experience was more unsettling. My high school Geometry teacher Miss Eisen was in an abusive relationship. Yeah, she had me in class. One day we were learning theorems. Miss Eisen said, "parallel lines have so much in common." I shouted, "Yo. Too bad they'll never meet because the rectangle is hot." That earned a trip to the principal's office.

WOODY

That's nothing. I was bullied all through high school. I remember being stuffed in a locker. That's when I became afraid of the dark. But then I grew up and saw the electric bill. Now I'm afraid of the light.

JERRY

What is a bully's favorite type joke?

WOODY

I don't know.

JERRY

One with a punch line.

CHRIS

Peace out, Woody. Good luck at the shrink.

WOODY

Have fun at the maternity ward with Eddie.

JERRY

See you tomorrow.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews comedian Chris Rock. ANNOUNCER Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show. JERRY Good morning … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/6/20

By Paul Lander, January 6, 2020July 22, 2022