Who Will Win the Hillary Clinton Veepstakes?
WP_Post Object
(
[ID] => 56878
[post_author] => 3
[post_date] => 2016-07-11 11:50:33
[post_date_gmt] => 2016-07-11 18:50:33
[post_content] => Hillary Clinton must decide on a VP pick soon. Check out our handy guide!
A Vice Presidential pick is a defining moment in a campaign, motivating nominees to utilize unique strategies. Some try to accentuate their heavyweight status by partnering up with less vibrant versions of themselves in what might be called the "Bad Xerox Without Any Toner" maneuver. Think... Dan Quayle.
Some candidates pick opponents who put up distinguished fights on the primary trail, even though the two get along like hot fudge sundaes and gravel rakes in the "One Plus One Equals Three" scenario. Lyndon Johnson and Al Gore fit this template.
Others look for anything semi-vertical and warm blooded, in the "Please, Somebody, Anybody, Say Yes" approach, which led George McGovern to pick Sargent Shriver after his first choice was revealed to suffer from depression (before being picked, as opposed to Shriver who was afflicted afterwards).
You have the "Game Changer" blueprint that gave us Sarah Palin and Admiral Stockdale. Who? Exactly. Then there's the ever popular "Toughen the Kid Up by Giving Him a Taste of Satan" move, leading to Dick Cheney.
Looking presidential is not a problem for Hillary Clinton, as she has been involved in enough high profile intrigue, chicanery and deceit to give three or four late 19th Century administrations a run for their money. After eight years as first lady and four as secretary of state, she could plot her way to the Oval Office from the Lincoln Bedroom blindfolded. Of course, so could some of Bill's dates.
Hillary's requirements are more esoteric, so let's check out the short list of possible candidates designed to provide the former New York Senator with an edge this November:
Bernie Sanders, because otherwise his legion of supporters will evaporate like pixie dust in a hard rain.
Elizabeth Warren, although having two people of the same sex on a single ticket would be unprecedented. Oh wait, no, it wouldn't.
Cory Booker, because the best way to mooch some of that Obama mojo is picking someone who many Americans think is the same dude.
Tom Brady would complete "The Team of Schemers."
Tim Kaine, a man so safe and boring he could accept a charisma implant from Richard Gephardt.
Ted Cruz could reveal inside info on which buttons to push to drive the GOP even crazier, not to mention really sticking it in Donald Trump's craw.
Joaquin Castro, to cement the Hispanic vote, or his twin brother Julian. Or one of their uncles, Fidel or Raul.
Joaquin Phoenix, who can match Donald Trump crazy for crazy.
Joaquin Guzman, also known as El Chapo, to prove that in America, we believe in second chances. Also he's a friend of Sean Penn and dresses nice.
Pete Rose, so both spots on the ticket will have the same haircut.
Stephen Curry, because who doesn't love Stephen Curry?
Bill Cosby, who in comparison will make her the paragon of virtue. And if they lose, he'd be a perfect fall guy. He also provides assassination insurance.
Al Franken, because if the campaign does go down the tubes, at least he can keep the bus laughing.
Joe Biden, who would provide continuity, having proved he can do the job. Of course, so would Cheney.
John Hickenlooper, because "Vice President Hickenlooper "is just fun to say.
And finally, FBI director James Comey because, come on, the guy deserves something, right?
Editor's note: We're all about fair and balanced at the Humor Times, so check out Mr Durst's Donald Trump Veepstakes article here!
[post_title] => Who Will Win the Hillary Clinton Veepstakes?
[post_excerpt] =>
[post_status] => publish
[comment_status] => open
[ping_status] => closed
[post_password] =>
[post_name] => hillary-clinton-veepstakes
[to_ping] =>
[pinged] =>
[post_modified] => 2016-07-11 12:26:13
[post_modified_gmt] => 2016-07-11 19:26:13
[post_content_filtered] =>
[post_parent] => 0
[guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=56878
[menu_order] => 0
[post_type] => post
[post_mime_type] =>
[comment_count] => 0
[filter] => raw
)
Hillary Clinton must decide on a VP pick soon. Check out our handy guide! A Vice Presidential pick is a defining moment in a campaign, motivating nominees to … Read more
I cry. I scream. I retch. Then I make jokes — but I give you the inside info on the Koch Brothers ("Target 67C" as federal prosecutors called Charles Koch) that will make your eyes pop.
Fact: The 2012 election's been stolen. Already. Stolen by billionaires who've created data bases called "Themis" (the Kochs own that) and "DataTrust" (Karl Rove's satanic machine).
The election has not been stolen from Barack Obama — it's been stolen from you. From We the People who march to the polls believing America is still a democracy, the land of the Brave, home of The Free, and that our votes count.
The Rove-bots and the monsters behind the data bases have figured out how to fiddle, finagle and ultimately throw your vote in the garbage.
America is on the line. ON THE LINE. I have two kids and God forbid if I stand here silent with my hands in my pockets whistling at my shoes.
How did a sick little monster like Paul Ryan end up on the Republican ticket? Follow the money. The big sugar daddy behind Ryan, his donor Numero Uno, is Paul "The Vulture" Singer. Singer's the guy who started the Romney super-PAC "Restore Our Future" and he's funded Ryan up the Wazoo.
Why? Because Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton told a federal court that Singer The Vulture is a "threat to the entire financial system" of the planet. And now Singer wants their blood—and your dead carcass.
Frankly, I don't care, as Shakespeare said, if Obama’s campaign "farts or flies." I do care if a billionaire can steal the votes of Black soldiers just so he can make another billion.
So I want, I demand, I insist, that you order a copy of the exposé on The Vulture and Romney's billionaires (and Obama's, too): 