A World Cup Controversy

A World Cup Controversy
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Former White House resident Donald Trump declares a World Cup controversy "like none you've ever seen."

On December 3rd Netherlands defeated the United States 3-1 in a FIFA World Cup Round of 16 match. Or did they? Not according to former President Donald Trump.

[caption id="attachment_105168" align="alignleft" width="400"]World Cup controversy International Elvises trying to make the World Cup great again. Image by jasonwhat, flickr.com.[/caption]

Yesterday, in a hastily called press conference, Trump stunned reporters by declaring a "World Cup controversy." He claimed that the U.S. team had won the match "bigly," but the game was stolen from the Americans. He announced that he is insisting on a recount of the goals scored by both teams.

“I watched the game while eating the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake and while there were fine players on both sides, the American team played unbelievably well despite the fact that they were all suffering from bone spurs. I have no doubt that we won.”

The former president also accused the Netherlands of cheating as he claimed that they had players from both the Netherlands AND Holland on their team when all the athletes are supposed to be from the same country. He referred to this as Double Dutching which he said was tremendously unfair.

Trump also stated that “all the referees were from sh*thole socialist countries that treated the American players very unfairly, that I can tell you.”

He then went on to say that he was demanding “a complete shutdown of Neverlanders entering the United States until the game is replayed or until the U.S. is just declared the winner."

"I have nothing against the Dutch people,” he added. “We even have some living in our great state of Pennsylvania. I have a great relationship with the Dutch. I have always had a great relationship with the Dutch. They like me and I like them. I was a bit miffed when they refused to sell us Greenland, but I’ve been to the Netherlands many times and it’s a beautiful country. Copenhagen is an amazing city. And they have a House of Orange which I like as orange is my favorite color. They also have nice ovens, I’m told.”

“But we need to reverse the results of the Netherlands/U.S. game” he cried. “Then the American team can win the World Cup like we did in the 2018 FIFA tournament when I was president. That football team, which was captained by Hershel Walker, beat France in the finals. A lot of people don’t know that.”

The former president concluded the press conference by stating that having the U.S. team win would make the World Cup great again.

USA, USA, USA!

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Former White House resident Donald Trump declares a World Cup controversy “like none you’ve ever seen.” On December 3rd Netherlands defeated the United States 3-1 in a FIFA … Read more

Super Bowl LIII Update: Sneak Preview of NFL Official Sponsors

Super Bowl LIII Update: Sneak Preview of NFL Official Sponsors
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    [post_date] => 2019-01-19 15:36:12
    [post_date_gmt] => 2019-01-19 23:36:12
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Memorandum: Super Bowl LIII - Consider a Wider Range of Official Suppliers

Date: January 12, 2019 From: NFL Properties, Committee on Suppliers and Sponsors To: National Football League RE: NFL 2019 Super Bowl LIII Sponsors and Suppliers For years the NFL has recognized exclusive partners, such as Campbell’s (official soup), Pepsi (soft drinks), Playboy (soft porn), FedEx (delivery) and Pizza Hut (financial planning -- ha, just kidding, pizza). Super Bowl LIII sponsorsWe recently concluded that we could significantly increase League revenues if we followed the precedent set by the US Olympic Committee and FIFA and allowed an even wider range of official sponsors and suppliers. Below is a partial list of the many new and valuable exclusive relationships we have pending for the upcoming 2019 Super Bowl (at Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Atlanta) and the 2019 Pro Football Season. Please let us know if you have any questions.

CONSUMER PRODUCTS

  • Zocor, the #1 Statin for Players and Fans Who Need To Lower Cholesterol or Triglycerides!
    • Possible tag line: Would you like fries with that?
  • Pantene Pro-V 2+1, the Official Shampoo Plus Conditioner of Super Bowl LIII For Pro Bowlers Who Want Clean and Healthy Looking Hair
  • Aveeno, the Official Shampoo or Conditioner of Super Bowl LIII For Pro Bowlers Who Want Clean OR Healthy Looking Hair
  • Trojan Fire & Ice, the Official Condom of Super Bowl Offensive Linemen Trojan: Preventing False Starts Since 1916 
  • Magnum, the Official Condom of Super Bowl Defensive Linemen Magnum: We help larger, well-endowed DTs stop TDs and STDs.
  • Charmin, the Official Toilet Paper of the NFL - Clog-free or it’s free!
    • Alternative tag lines:
      • Gently wiping the butts of 300 lb. linebackers for almost a century
      • For clog-free toilets, more NFL coaches recommend Charmin than any other brand
[Note: Though technically correct – one NFL coach prefers Charmin, mainly for its commercials, the rest have no preference – we are checking with the lawyers to confirm we can run with this.]
  • Roto-Rooter: The Official NFL Supplier of Plumbing and Drain Services When the butts of 300 lb. linebackers overwhelm Charmin’s “clog-free” guarantee!
  • Alternative tag line:
    • What did you expect when 53 huge and anxious men share a locker room with 8 toilets?

WEBSITES AND SERVICES

  • DateMyPET, the Official Online Dating Website For PET Lovers at the 2019 Super Bowl. Warning: Many NFL Players Prefer CTs or MRIs.
  • Farmersonly.com, the Official Supplier of Internet Dating Services For Rural-Bred NFL Fans For cowboys and ranchers who would rather date other rural-bred singles, but are NOT into pets and enjoy an occasional cow-tipping
  • Cake, the End-of-Life-Planning Partner of the National Football League
[Note: Some of us felt this may send too negative a message, so our marketing group is reevaluating.]
  • Twitter, the Official Social Media Platform for Real-Time Super Bowl Commentary
    • Tweeting: When you absolutely MUST share your thoughts about ads, officiating, play calling, half-time performers, wardrobe malfunctions, and the next GOAT with hundreds of disinterested readers!
  • Facebook, the Social Media Platform That Uses Personal Information Better Than Anyone Even the Government
    • Alternative tag lines:
      • Facebook: Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?
      • Facebook: When you’re in the mood to share your inmost secrets with foreign powers!
[Note: Some of us worried the first tagline was proprietary and the second too caustic. Therefore, we have our marketing group working to improve these.]

MISCELLANEOUS SUPER BOWL LIII SPONSORSHIPS

  • Mexico: The Official Super Bowl LIII Supplier of Guacamole, Tequila and Many Stadium Grounds Crew
  • Schutt, a Heavily-Insured Official Supplier of Helmets and Protective Gear Schutt: We’re proud to be an official supplier (and can’t afford to be an exclusive sponsor)!
  • Polylactic Acid, the biodegradable polymer which, combined with hydroxyapatite, is preferred by 3 out of 4 NFL players for their bone screws and surgical implants!
  • Fra Diavolo, the Official Spicy Pasta Sauce of Super Bowl LIII
[Note: Someone questioned whether we need an official spicy pasta sauce. She is no longer with us.]
  • Fra Angelico, the Official Italian Renaissance Painter of the Super Bowl. Brought to you by Atlanta’s High Museum of Art
[Note: Another junior staffer questioned the “need” for this sponsorship as well. HR needs to do better at hiring marketing-savvy Millennials!]
  • Paradidymis, the Official Male Reproductive Organ of the Super Bowl. Brought to you by Atlanta’s Shady Grove Fertility Clinic
  • Parasaurolophus, the Official Dinosaur of the Super Bowl, Unless We’re Wrong And It’s Also a Sex Organ Sponsored by Atlanta’s Fernbank Museum of Natural History
[post_title] => Super Bowl LIII Update: Sneak Preview of NFL Official Sponsors [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => nfl-super-bowl-liii-official-suppliers [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2019-01-23 18:12:47 [post_modified_gmt] => 2019-01-24 02:12:47 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=73365 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Memorandum: Super Bowl LIII – Consider a Wider Range of Official Suppliers Date: January 12, 2019 From: NFL Properties, Committee on Suppliers and Sponsors To: National Football League … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/2/15

Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/2/15
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    [post_date] => 2015-06-02 18:41:35
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for.  And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule:  barely pay attention and jump to conclusions.  So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: headlines todayGokul Venkatachalam, Vanya Shivashankar win ‘National Spelling Bee’ After spelling their own names, everything else was easy.

‘Jaws’ turns 40

Can't wait for it's 70th, when it'll be known as ‘Dentures.'

Sepp Blatter wins re-election as FIFA Prez

I can't be only one who thinks ‘Sepp Blatter’ sounds like another way to say Urinary Infection.

Cuba removed from US terror list

Word is, they'll be replaced by TLC.

Ex-House Speaker J. Dennis Hastert indicted on federal charges

Soon he could be ‘Speaker of the Big House.'

Anthrax shipped via Fed Ex

I guess it's cheaper than the band taking a commercial flight.

'Saved By the Bell' actor Dustin Diamond convicted in stabbing

If you've seen his standup, this is closest he'll come to killing.

Martin Sheen: ‘Charlie was on steroids’

Martin, wouldn't it be way quicker to just say what he wasn't on?

Smartphones may double as early quake sensors

Can't wait to hear Siri scream, ‘Holy Shit! We're all gonna die!!’

George Pataki announces he's running for President

Surprising members of his family... that's he's still alive.

Happy 85th birthday, Clint Eastwood

Clint was seen celebrating with a love seat and a dining room set.

Flavor Flav arrested in the mother of all traffic stops

He was cited with a DWI - Driving While Irrelevant.

Ben Stein involved in a sexting scandal

Lawyers will now be playing 'Win Ben Stein's Money.'

Former Maryland Gov. O'Malley jumps into 2016 Democratic race

Because it's a way cheaper way to meet the Clintons than hire them to speak. [post_title] => Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/2/15 [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => ripping-the-headlines-today-060215 [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-07-22 11:13:55 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-07-22 18:13:55 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=35176 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is … Read more

FIFA: From Greed and Power to a Prison Shower

FIFA: From Greed and Power to a Prison Shower
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    [ID] => 35077
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    [post_date] => 2015-05-28 18:21:49
    [post_date_gmt] => 2015-05-29 01:21:49
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Partying FIFA officials rudely interrupted

Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Want To Have Fun at full volume, over-the-top displays of bromance, playful pillow fights -- just a regular night for FIFA officials. However, the party atmosphere was rudely interrupted when six football officials were arrested over corruption charges at a strip club in Zurich, Switzerland, early Wednesday morning. [caption id="attachment_35100" align="alignleft" width="400"]FIFA No word yet on whether imprisoned FIFA officials would be allowed to play football, and if so, whether or not they would be unceremoniously stomped by other prisoners during the game.[/caption] The suspects, reportedly accepting bribes worth about $100m over two decades, have been detained pending extradition to the US. If found guilty, rather worryingly for the six officials, they face up to 20 years in United States Penitentiary Administrative Maximum Facility, situated in Florence, Colorado. Referred to as “Hell on Earth” by current inmates, this penitentiary is a prime example of the USA's Supermax facility obsession. Initially, much to the dismay of may American taxpayers, designers wanted to decorate the prison with furniture from Urban Outfitters, however, they eventually opted to go with good old cement. Everything -- and I mean everything -- in the cell is made out of cement, even the bed. Commenting on the arrests, Pele, the spokesman for erectile dysfunction, said, "Laser beams, vicious dogs and pressure pads surround the area between the 12-foot fence and the hideous facility. 99% of the 500+ inmates spend 23 hours a day locked in solitary confinement, I hope the officials are prepared for a rough time, quite literally." FIFA members were preparing themselves for their annual meeting on May 29th, where Danny DeVito double Sepp Blatter is seeking a fifth term as president. The New York Times says plain-clothed police officers stormed the club where the officials were partying, and rounded them up like sheep. According to the newspaper, although Mr Blatter was not wanted by the police, he ran to the bathroom and climbed out the window, hopping on his moped to speed away. Jeffrey Webb, nicknamed The Spider, the president of CONCACAF and FIFA vice president, was one of the six arrested. Other officials escorted by police from the club include: Eduardo Li, a Costa Rican and FIFA's leading party planner, Eugenio Figueredo of Uruguay, the president of South American football governing body CONMEBOL, and Brazil's Jose Maria Marin, a member of FIFA's aptly named Shady Dealings committee. “We’re struck by the blatant disregard shown by the FIFA representatives,” said a law enforcement official. “It seems like this corruption was institutionalized, but you know what else is institutionalized... tough love in prison, those boys better not drop the soap.” [post_title] => FIFA: From Greed and Power to a Prison Shower [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => fifa-greed-power-prison-shower [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2015-08-11 23:45:43 [post_modified_gmt] => 2015-08-12 06:45:43 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=35077 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Partying FIFA officials rudely interrupted Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Want To Have Fun at full volume, over-the-top displays of bromance, playful pillow fights — just a regular night for FIFA officials. … Read more

Americans Confused: Germany Scored One Touchdown to Beat Brazil, 7-1?

Americans Confused: Germany Scored One Touchdown to Beat Brazil, 7-1?
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    [post_date] => 2014-07-15 09:37:02
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Germany won the football game, but how did Brazil score their extra point?

The American public was shocked yesterday to hear that Germany's football team successfully defeated host nation Brazil by only scoring a single touchdown the entire game. [caption id="attachment_27100" align="alignleft" width="456"]germany, world cup German player celebrates touchdown.[/caption] According to FIFA, no one has ever lost by that margin in the history of the Cup. "They must have really strong defenses," a man at a local sports bar offered.  "Kinda like watching the Saints and Panthers, I guess." Also worthy of note, this was the first time another team has been awarded an extra point without actually scoring a touchdown. However, FIFA officials are looking into the matter to see why the refs didn't award Brazil a field goal. "We were just as confused as anyone," reported the sideline referee.  "Brazil came up to us saying they had scored but they hadn't.  They went ahead and set up for a kick and so we compromised and gave them a point." Needless to say, it was one of the strangest football matches ever. A fraternity member at a local university had this to say: "My friend (from Germany) came running out of the dorm screaming and hollering 'We killed 'em!  We killed 'em!' and so I thought it must have been a blow out--like if Alabama had played Navy or something--but then I saw the score and was really confused.  World football is weird." [post_title] => Americans Confused: Germany Scored One Touchdown to Beat Brazil, 7-1? [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => germany-scored-touchdown-against-brazil [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2023-11-15 19:55:51 [post_modified_gmt] => 2023-11-16 03:55:51 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=27095 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Germany won the football game, but how did Brazil score their extra point? The American public was shocked yesterday to hear that Germany’s football team successfully defeated host … Read more

World Cup Hemorrhaging Fans Due to Math Skills Prerequisite

World Cup Hemorrhaging Fans Due to Math Skills Prerequisite
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    [post_date] => 2014-06-28 10:47:37
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Figuring out who advances just too much for many World Cup fans

Every four years, the World Cup fan base gets smaller and smaller.  The reason: mathematics. FIFA estimates that millions of fans from various countries and demographics, most of which carry degrees in the humanities, have completely given up on following their national team because it's hurting their brain. World Cup FansWorking out what each team needs to accomplish in order to make one of the top two slots in their group requires more than what many fans have bargained for: basic algebra skills and the ability to foresee and compute countless scenarios. Basically, too much. If you follow a team like Germany or the Netherlands -- who will win all or most of their group stage games -- you have little to worry about and can have a relaxing, enjoyable World Cup experience.  If you're a fan of a team like America, however, you are in for a rude awakening. One U.S. fan opened up to us about her experience -- one that is all too common. "As a new follower of the sport I got totally immersed in USMNT fever.  The friendlies.  Altidore's goals.  And then our win against Ghana!  I thought, 'This is a piece of cake. We win some, tie some maybe, and we're golden.'  But then I started hearing strange things like 'goal differential' and 'goal average' and even 'calculating scenarios' for God's sake.  So, yeah, I wish them all the best," she said. If you read the fine print in FIFA's contractual agreements for "hard core" fans you'll notice a subtle warning that alludes to the numerical black hole one can get sucked in if one is not careful. Here is a shocking, unfortunate example: [caption id="attachment_26850" align="alignnone" width="480"]World Cup math World Cup fan calculates his teams chances to advance.[/caption] [post_title] => World Cup Hemorrhaging Fans Due to Math Skills Prerequisite [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => world-cup-fans-need-math-skills [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2015-08-11 19:25:18 [post_modified_gmt] => 2015-08-12 02:25:18 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=26848 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Figuring out who advances just too much for many World Cup fans Every four years, the World Cup fan base gets smaller and smaller.  The reason: mathematics. FIFA … Read more

FIFA Condemns Cannabilism, Ruminates on Luis Suarez

FIFA Condemns Cannabilism, Ruminates on Luis Suarez
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    [post_date] => 2014-06-25 12:22:32
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FIFA chews over action against Luis Suarez

RIO DE JANEIRO -- FIFA today issued a statement soundly rejecting cannibalism “whether on the field or off,” and ordered Uruguayan superstar Luis Suarez to have his teeth immediately removed or face a two-game suspension. Suarez is accused of biting Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini during their World Cup match on Tuesday. Uruguay won 1-0. [caption id="attachment_26740" align="alignright" width="481"]Luis Suarez, Hannibal Lecter mask As a compromise, Luis Suarez may be required to wear a "Hannibal Lecter" type mask, here shown a little off-kilter after he attempted a chomp on a nearby referee.[/caption] “We unequivocally condemn eating the other side,” said FIFA president Sepp Blatter, “under any circumstances, even when, as in Italy’s case, their goose is definitely cooked.” Blatter—his real name—added that “even nibbling or just a little sampling is definitely not encouraged.” He noted that while Chiellini may have appeared to offer his shoulder to Suarez, even a little love bite with lots of tongue, as Suarez now claims it was, is not acceptable. “Of course, butt pats and group gropes are different,” Blatter continued with a disturbing smile. Blatter said that Luis Suarez had been ordered to have at least his two front teeth extracted before being allowed back onto the field. “It’s a preventive measure,” he explained, noting that some doubt remained about the entire incident. “Luis normally never eats Italian,” Blatter remarked. “With him it’s just asado, milhojas, and alfajores [Uruguayan delicacies] all the time.” Lawyers for Suarez said they hoped their client might get away by the skin of his teeth. They are negotiating with FIFA about allowing him to keep his famed pearly whites and instead play wearing a Hannibal Lecter mask. "Forcing Luis Suarez to use dentures for the rest of his life won’t take a bite out of crime" said a spokesman, “although Extra Strength Polygrip may be interested in signing him up to represent them.” In a post-game interviw with ESPN, former world heavyweight champion Mike Tyson said that the whole affair had been blown way out of proportion. “I bit off a bleeding chunk of Hollyfield’s ear,” Tyson squeaked. “Now that’s a knoif! From what I seen from the pictures, Suarez never even punctured his skin.” Suarez’s Brazilian girlfriend Coco Cabana, 19, who witnessed the entire episode from the stands, said that Chiellini should definitely stop complaining. “Luis eats me just fine,” she giggled. [post_title] => FIFA Condemns Cannabilism, Ruminates on Luis Suarez [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => fifa-condemns-cannabilism-ruminates-luis-suarez [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2018-12-21 20:30:36 [post_modified_gmt] => 2018-12-22 04:30:36 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=26728 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

FIFA chews over action against Luis Suarez RIO DE JANEIRO — FIFA today issued a statement soundly rejecting cannibalism “whether on the field or off,” and ordered Uruguayan … Read more

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