Be Wary of Shaking Hands with Donald Trump

Be Wary of Shaking Hands with Donald Trump
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Shaking hands with Donald Trump is meant to put you on defense.

Have you ever noticed the weird way Donald Trump goes about shaking hands with people?

[caption id="attachment_123880" align="alignleft" width="400"]shaking hands Trump goes in for the wrestling hold. G7 Summit: Prime Minister of Italy, Paolo Gentiloni, shaking hands with Donald Trump, CC BY 3.0.[/caption]

Look how he thrusts his whole shoulder at somebody when he’s exchanging handshakes. And then he pulls his victim closer to him, as if wanting to achieve dominance as the alpha male.

Maybe his way of shaking hands devolves from his self-admission that he’s a germaphobe and hates the idea of being touched.

Following this logic, perhaps his aggressive handshaking is overcompensating from the reality that he doesn’t really want to get near anybody.

That is, unless they’re a tall attractive blond babe like Ivanka Trump, who Donald Trump said he’d want to date if she wasn’t his daughter. In that case, it might end up with it being more than a handshake, as Stormy Daniels would testify to. Or E. Jean Carroll, and many other women who have taken him to court for sexual abuse or misconduct.

As one psychologist put it, Trump’s handshake is the “opening salvo in a battle for supremacy” with another person.

Trump also goes in for the forearm handshake, where he clasps the other person’s forearm just below the elbow. That’s been described as militaristic and physical where Trump seeks to show who’s the boss and who isn’t.

Besides being a fierce handshaker, Trump might also qualify as the glad handler that is highly extroverted and makes a point of acting super-friendly when in reality, he despises the person. To coin an old phrase associated with former President Richard Milhous Nixon, Trump is a master in using the glad handling routine to “fake sincerity.” Not to mention using it for gamesmanship to get one-upmanship.

That aforementioned psychologist, Professor Geoff Beattie from Edge Hill University in England, said Trump’s aggressive handshakes are not “acts of peace, solidarity and goodwill.” He described how Trump once held on to a 19-second handshake with former Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe, patting the back of Abe’s hand in several bursts of three pats, before Trump finally released him from his grip.

Beattie said you could plainly see the discomfort in Abe’s face during the long handshake. “But Trump does not seem to care too much for the discomfort of others. If he did, he would not make them ill at ease in such a calculated way.”

So how to get a grip on combating Trump’s handshake if ever one was to greet him in person? If nothing else, you have to know that Trump, being Trump, is going to try to prove his dominance over you.

Previously, with Covid-19 afflicting the world, handshakes were not the only socially acceptable way to greet someone in a business or formal setting. Fist-bumps, bowing like they customarily do in Asian countries, or even claiming a hand injury became good ways to avoid shaking El Presidente’s domineering hand.

That same Professor Beattie suggested following Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s tactic to get on equal footing with Trump when they shook hands. Trudeau took hold of Trump’s right shoulder to steady himself and to stop Trump from yanking him forward. Later, when Trudeau shook hands with Trump when they were both seated, Trudeau extended his fingers to signal that he wanted to be released from Trump’s grip. It worked, apparently, much to Trump’s obvious displeasure.

It was intriguing to see the handshake between Trump and President Joe Biden when they met at the White House following Trump’s victory in the November 5 presidential election. As described by Newsweek Magazine, their handshake highlighted their political and personal differences. The magazine reported that “the timing, and flow, were a bit out of sync. Biden placed his hand on top in a dominant position, but Trump subtly countered by extending his index finger beneath, signaling a balance of power. Trump's horizontal, cross-body arm suggested a mix of guardedness and strategic intent.”

From this corner, the truth is Biden probably wanted to slap Trump in his orange face for all the personal slights and insults he’s leveled at old Joe. But Biden instead played along with this charade, showing Trump the respect he didn’t deserve. At least in this case, Trump apparently either couldn’t or didn’t dare try to use his usual aggressive handshake to topple Biden over.

The same case applied when Trump met Kamala Harris during their debate back in September. Harris was praised for approaching Trump as she entered the debate stage and went for the handshake in what was described as a “power move.”

Political observers said Trump “either wasn't expecting the handshake or he didn't want to do it.” As one observer succinctly put it, Harris’ “aggressive pursuit of handshake--good.”

So, brothers and sisters, take heed if somehow you’re ever in Trump’s line of fire for a handshake. Do what Kamala Harris did. She may have lost the presidential election. But at least during the debate, she got the upper hand.

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Shaking hands with Donald Trump is meant to put you on defense. Have you ever noticed the weird way Donald Trump goes about shaking hands with people? Look … Read more

Trump Proclaims He’ll Be ‘President-for-Life’

Trump Proclaims He’ll Be ‘President-for-Life’
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    [post_date] => 2024-11-15 07:12:39
    [post_date_gmt] => 2024-11-15 15:12:39
    [post_content] => 

Donald Trump promised his base he'll be President-for-Life: no need for messy, inconvenient voting any more.

The President-Elect isn’t satisfied with having just won the 2024 election. Now he intends to be "President-for-Life," and maybe even longer than that.

[caption id="attachment_123565" align="alignleft" width="331"]president-for-life constitution "Screw the Constitution," says Trump, "I'll be President-for-Life."[/caption]

Trump declared he will run for president again in 2028, despite the U.S. Constitution barring anyone from holding the office beyond two 4-year terms.

“I’m Lord Donald Trump. The Magnificent. Screw the Constitution,” said Trump. “Term limits don’t apply to me. They’re for suckers and losers. The people just love me to death. They want me to be president-for-life, which for me could be to 100 or more. We don’t even need to have elections in this country anymore. Maybe I’ll just abolish them since the U.S. Supreme Court says I can do anything I want. Okay?”

The 22nd Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, passed in 1947, states that “no person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice.” Trump was elected president from 2017-2021. But that history is irrelevant to today’s reality, according to Trump. In fact, he previously called for terminating the Constitution in order to overturn the 2020 election, which he falsely said was stolen from him, and reinsert him to power.

Trump says he’ll be like Franklin D. Roosevelt who served four terms as president, except “only much better” in that he’ll outdo Roosevelt’s time in office by staying in the White House for all eternity, or until he drops dead, whichever comes first.

He told a conservative Christian advocacy group in July that after he’s president for the next four years, “it’ll be fine. You won't have to vote anymore, my beautiful Christians. We'll have it fixed so good you're not going to have to vote."

Trump says he has a Plan B if “communist Democrats” and “any other traitors” succeed in stopping him from running again in 2028. What he’ll do then, he said, is run for Vice-President and have someone in his family become president like his daughter Ivanka Trump or his wife Melania Trump. Then they’ll step down from the position and make him president again, while they become vice-president.

“It’s all totally legal,” maintained Trump, adding who wouldn’t enjoy looking all day at “foxes” such as Melania or Ivanka while the two ladies are vice-president?

Trump says he congratulated China’s president Xi Jinping for becoming that country’s maximum ruler for life. “And he’s great,” exclaimed Trump. He also had nothing but good words to say about dictators Vladimir Putin of Russia and North Korea’s Kim Jong Un. The former Soviet Union’s Joseph Stalin wasn’t half bad either, “but I’ll be in power lots longer than they could ever dream about,” promised Trump.

The President-Elect’s bitter enemy and former lawyer, Michael Cohen, says power has gone to Trump’s head.

"He wants to be an autocrat. He wants to be the president of this country for life.”

Cohen added that Trump isn’t joking about wanting to be president forever. “He doesn’t have a sense of humor. He doesn’t laugh or tell jokes. He means it when he says it.” Cohen insisted Trump wasn’t kidding when he proclaimed that "he could kill somebody on Fifth Avenue (in New York City) and get away with it."

If Cohen is correct, maybe Trump wasn’t spouting more b.s. when he suggested in a meeting with House Republicans November 13 that maybe he would run for a third term in 2028.

Trump’s idea that he could be president for a really long time comes as his good buddy, Elon Musk, says that humans will eventually be able to live forever by downloading their brains into robots.

“I think it is possible,” said the Tesla and SpaceX CEO, who Trump named to co-head a commission to supposedly improve government efficiency. Musk said that “yes, we could download the things that we believe make ourselves so unique…preserving our memories, our personality. I think we could do that.”

Musk is hardly the first person to say prolonging human life is possible. For instance, the 1964 sci-fi novel “Dune” termed such beings as “cymeks.”

So a cymek like Trump could last forever, meaning he ostensibly could come back from the dead and still be president, not to mention dictator as he said he’ll be on Day 1 of his Presidency.

“Coming back from the dead as president would be something no one’s ever done before,” said Trump, stating what to mortal humans might seem impossible. He added that he will be assigning Musk to work on extending his life after Musk finally finishes making his family even larger, in that he already has 11 children from all the different women he’s been involved with.

Trump insinuated that being president of the United States eventually might not be enough to curb his lust for power. Musk has already announced plans to colonize Mars and when that happens, Trump could add to his portfolio by becoming leader of that planet as well.

“We’ll see what happens. Okay?” said Trump as he headed out to polish off his customary healthy lunch of quarter pounders with cheese, followed by a dessert of cherry vanilla ice cream all designed to have him remain in such perfect physical shape as president-for-life.

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Donald Trump promised his base he’ll be President-for-Life: no need for messy, inconvenient voting any more. The President-Elect isn’t satisfied with having just won the 2024 election. Now … Read more

Trump Dummies to Highlight Election Night Celebration

Trump Dummies to Highlight Election Night Celebration
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    [post_date] => 2024-10-20 07:07:24
    [post_date_gmt] => 2024-10-20 14:07:24
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Victory celebration to be bigly, "hugest in history," says Trump, and feature his likeness in Trump Dummies.

Donald Trump says his victory celebration for election as president on November 5 will be the “hugest” in world history, featuring body doubles at each location, which his team is calling "Trump Dummies."

[caption id="attachment_123000" align="alignright" width="400"]Trump dummies dance Lifelike Trump Dummies are animatronic and can even dance like the man himself. Photo: Matt Johnson, Right Cheer, flickr.com, CC BY 2.0.[/caption]

“No one will have ever seen anything like it before. It will be out-of-this-world spectacular,” said Trump.

As part of the celebration for winning the presidency, Trump will hold victory parties all across the United States. What will make it unique, said Trump, will be Trump body doubles who will be attending all the parties.

Not to get too technical, the Trump doubles are the creation of Elon Musk’s artificial intelligence technology. To quote scientific experts, the Trumps will be virtual “dummies” that “look and act just like the human dummy Donald Trump himself.” Musk introduced the Trumps performing tasks such as bartending and dancing while interacting with guests.

Meanwhile, the real Trump enthused that “if anyone knows how to throw a party, it’s Donald Trump,” referring to himself in the third person as he said all great leaders do.

“Instead of just the wonderful original me, now we’ll have more awesome Trumps to spread joy at all the parties across the country because I won the election. Women will be thrilled as I will be there to protect them from all evil, especially from illegal immigrants poisoning the blood of our country. Everyone knows they commit murders because they bring in bad genes.”

Trump said as President, he’ll deploy the other Trumps in various cities across the country to direct the operation of getting rid of all the illegal immigrants “who take jobs away from our hardworking American citizens who’ve been treated so badly for so long.”

In addition, Trump said, the virtual Trumps will be assigned to prosecute a list of the “the enemy within.” Trump said that list includes “dirty rotten lunatic left-wing Democrats” like California Reps. Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton, along with “crackhead” special prosecutor Jack Smith, Attorney General Merrick Garland, Taylor Swift, Liz Cheney, and “so many others who have ruined our once-great country.” Trump said he will swear in his dummies as law enforcement officials who will imprison and possibly execute “all these enemies of the state for treason and other high crimes against our nation.”

On an even brighter note, Trump said his victory parties will feature live bands that will energize celebrants to start dancing up a storm. In that regard, Trump said as a special treat for Americans to enjoy, he himself may get up on the dance floor and show off his moves. Just like he exhibited at his campaign rallies that left everyone “amazed and thrilled” that he had shown such flexibility, the equal to any ballet dancer’s breathtaking leaps and pirouettes.

Trump revealed for the first time that because he possesses such unbelievable coordination, in the mold of the all-time great dancers such as Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly, and yes, Michael Jackson, he’s been invited to appear on the TV show, Dancing With the Stars. Trump said he’s inclined to accept the invitation, but only if he can be paired with some “tall blond hot babe, just like my daughter Ivanka,” who will be in awe and express reverence for his magnificence. If he feels in the mood, Trump said he may showcase his popping Michael Jackson-like moonwalk.

Trump also revealed that Elon Musk, as well, has been invited on Dancing With the Stars. Musk said, however, he’d appear only if he could dance with his hero, Donald Trump, preferably doing the foxtrot.

After that, Musk would continue on the dance floor with his new Trump body double. Producers for the show said Trump acolytes who shouldn’t be confused with the other dummies may also dance on the program. They include Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives Mike Johnson, and the very stiff Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner. Unfortunately, Kushner’s critics say he seems to act like an Elon Musk-created robot. Maybe Kushner’s wife, Ivanka Trump, should dance with him on the show to loosen him up.

Trump said Americans will be grateful that he’ll win the election and “getting exactly what they deserve” for the next four years. When a member of the news media suggested that Trump’s comment sounded ominous and threatening, Trump said what else could you expect a “lunatic leftwing member of the lamestream media” to say. But Trump said if it would make everyone happy, he’d revise his comment to say that Americans “deserve exactly what they’re getting.”

Asked if he would accept the results if somehow he lost the presidential election to Kamala Harris, Trump said there’s no foreseeable way that could happen unless the election is stolen from him, “just like it was in 2020.” In that case, Trump said, his body double Trumps will lead mass protests all across the United States calling for Harris and her Vice-Presidential Candidate Tim Walz to be put behind bars.

Then, quoting from a song by the pop-star Prince, Trump said “we’ll party like it’s 1999.”

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Victory celebration to be bigly, “hugest in history,” says Trump, and feature his likeness in Trump Dummies. Donald Trump says his victory celebration for election as president on … Read more

‘United States of Trump’ Sounds Better, Says Candidate

‘United States of Trump’ Sounds Better, Says Candidate
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    [post_date] => 2024-09-12 15:15:40
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    [post_content] => 

Ex-Prez hopes to be new prez, announces heads of new cabinet for the newly-branded United States of Trump.

After he’s elected President, The United States of America will have a new, snappier name, says Donald Trump.

[caption id="attachment_122302" align="alignleft" width="332"]United States of Trump Bozo Bozo the Clown would be director of the Fun and Games Dept. Photo: Andrew H. Amyx, CC BY 2.5.[/caption]

Following his inauguration on January 20, 2025, he promises to sign an executive order changing the country’s name to "The United States of Trump." Trump rejected claims from what he calls “dirty Communists in the Democrat Party” that only an Act of the U.S. Congress or an Act of God would permit the name change.

“Sounds 20 times better than the old name, okay?” said Trump, who revealed that he considered calling it The United States of Donald Trump but why bother using his first name? "Everybody already knows my name and how famous and great I am,” Trump modestly said.

“America sounds so old and tired,” said Trump. “We need a brand that will get a better Q score. What’s better than Trump?”

The name "America" supposedly derives from an Italian named Amerigo Vespucci, who explored the North American continent way back in the 1500s. Trump, saying that America sounds like something a “left-wing lunatic Democrat might dream up,” added that “who cares where the original name came from? The guy was an Italian, probably an illegal alien. We need the name of somebody who was born in this country, right? Who better than me?”

Meanwhile, Trump called himself "proud" to announce the names of those who will be in his Cabinet and in other key positions in his administration.

“My choices are the cream of the crop,” said Trump. “You couldn’t find more qualified people to serve the citizens of Trump nation. And by citizens, I don’t mean all 15 million illegal aliens who I’m throwing out of our beautiful country. I mean true-blue red-blooded patriots who are devoted and loyal to the United States of Trump.”

For U.S. Secretary of State and National Security Advisor, Trump said he has selected the “distinguished” Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene. Trump described her as an acknowledged foreign policy and extraterrestrial expert, specifically her insight about a Jewish space beam from outer space that she claimed caused wildfires in California. Trump called her somebody “who won’t let anybody run over this country like the traitors did in the previous corrupt Sleepy Joe Biden administration.”

Trump announced that he has chosen Ivanka Trump to be Secretary of a new cabinet post called the Department of First Impressions. Trump said if Ivanka wasn’t his daughter he would date her because ‘she’s so good-looking.”

On that score regarding having a “10” in his cabinet, Trump said his wife Melania Trump will be Secretary of another new position, called the Office of High Fashion and Looking Good as Gold.

For U.S. Attorney General, the pick is Trump’s son, Donald Trump, Jr., who will put all of his family’s “traitorous enemies that include Crooked Hillary Rotten Clinton in jail.”

Another son, Eric Trump, will be Secretary of Defense. “Eric’s very fit and tall. Like 6’5” He’ll scare off all our foreign enemies,” said Donald Trump.

Jared Kushner will be the Professional Trump Son-in-Law and White House Chief of Staff. “The Boy knows how to make great deals. What else you want?” growled Trump.

Asked if having his family members in senior government jobs doesn’t violate nepotism statutes, Trump said, sounding like the embodiment of what Richard Nixon claimed, “What statutes? I’m the President. When the President does it, that means it’s not illegal, by definition.”

Rudy Giuliani will head the U.S. Department of Treasury. “Who knows more about bankruptcy and fraud than Rudy? Besides, he gave everyone definite proof that Joe Biden stole the 2020 election from me,” Trump said.

Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. will lead the Department of Health and Human Services. Trump said he’s appointing him for the job based on his “tremendous work getting rid of all those stupid Covid-19 and flu vaccines that cause autism.”

Steve Bannon, now serving four months in jail, will be Press Secretary and Director of the Office of Communications. “Steve hates the lamestream press just as much as I do,” said Trump. “He’s perfect for the job.”

Elon Musk will be the new Secretary of Commerce and Overseer of the Office of Government Corruption and Waste. Trump said to forget that Musk's social media company, X, has lost billions of dollars from its original value after Musk took it over. “He’s brilliant at firing people,” Trump said. “As I always like to say, ‘You’re fired.’ I love firing people. Elon got rid of practically everyone who worked at X. He’ll fire all those lazy overpaid no-good civil service bureaucrats in the government wasting hard-earned taxpayers’ money sitting around doing nothing.”

Ye (formerly known as Kanye West) for Secretary of Labor. “He’s Black,” said Trump. “The Blacks love me. And I love The Blacks, just like I love The Jews. And they love me. He’s also super rich like me. A winner. I love winners. Hate losers.”

Tucker Carlson--U.S. Trade Representative. “Tucker loves the Prime Minister of Hungary, my good friend, Roy Orbison,” Trump explained, apparently meaning Viktor Orban and not the late pop singer and guitarist. “Tucker will slap 50 percent tariffs on China and anybody else trying to suck the Trump nation dry.”

Professional Wrestler Hulk Hogan--Head of the new Office of Immigration Deportation and Execution. “He’ll body slam any illegal alien who causes trouble before he throws them out of the country," Trump emphasized.

Rosanne Barr--U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. “She’s always good for a laugh. Perfect for that joke of a place, the United Nations,” joked Trump.

Kid Rock--Secretary of Homeland Security. “He’ll learn what he’s supposed to do after I tell him,” Trump said. “Hell, I could run the government by myself. I’m the only one that can save this nation.”

The Rapper, 50 Cent will be the Director of the Central Intelligence Agency. “He’s worth at least a dollar. Ha Ha. My joke. Who says Donald Trump never laughs?" laughed Trump. "He’ll make a great spy for us. Besides, he’s Black. Did I mention I love The Blacks?”

Clint Eastwood is set to head the FBI. “I love Dirty Harry. Seen all his movies. Guy makes my day," Trump said.

Rev. Jimmy Swaggert will be christened as Trump’s personal pastor at the White House. Trump said he “doesn’t care” that Swaggert was defrocked by the Assemblies of God after he allegedly paid a prostitute to pose nude for him. “He’s my kind of guy. Nobody prays like Jimmy Swaggert. Besides, he bought one of my personal Trump bibles that I have on sale for $59.99,” trumpeted Trump.

Bozo the Clown would be director of the new Office of Entertainment, Fun and Games. Trump said he’s the “BEST CLOWN EVER. WORLD CLASS. Okay?”

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Ex-Prez hopes to be new prez, announces heads of new cabinet for the newly-branded United States of Trump. After he’s elected President, The United States of America will … Read more

Trump Flirts with Selecting Clarence Thomas as Running Mate

Trump Flirts with Selecting Clarence Thomas as Running Mate
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    [post_date] => 2024-06-22 15:35:33
    [post_date_gmt] => 2024-06-22 22:35:33
    [post_content] => 

Trump has floated many VP candidate choices, but his latest is a shocker: Clarence Thomas as running mate.

Since announcing his third run for the presidency in Nov. 2022, former President Donald J. Trump has floated many candidates as his possible VP choice. His latest shocker: Clarence Thomas as running mate.

[caption id="attachment_120414" align="alignleft" width="400"]Clarence Thomas as Running Mate Clarence Thomas as running mate? Justice appears to wave off the suggestion. Photo: McConnell Center, flickr.com, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.[/caption]

In acknowledgement of this year's Juneteenth celebration, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee announced he is sending out feelers to Associate Justice of the Supreme Court Clarence "Easy Money" Thomas, a nominal Black man, to climb aboard as his vice-presidential running mate. This is seen by insiders as an overture to Trump's alt-right base.

Thomas reportedly has balked, however, expressing concern over the decreased earning power of the VP role as compared to his position on the Court. Associate Justices earned some $274,200 in 2023, whereas the vice president took home just $230,700.

In addition to his nominal income, Thomas has, according to Pro Publica, accepted gifts from boosters in the amount of $4 million since his arrival on the Court in 1991. "That dog won't hunt," snapped the jurist at an impromptu press conference held outside his RV in the parking lot of a Washington D.C. Walmart. "I mean," Thomas went on, "I gots billionaire sugar daddies waitin' in line to take me and the old lady to Bali and Tahiti, Fiji, the Canary Islands... why I want to give that up?" he asked moodily.

"At SCOTUS," he continued, "I work jus' seven days a month, and then it's vacation time ever' weekend! All you do as vice president is go to damn funerals an' wait for the Big Guy to die."

Article II, Section 2 of the U.S. Constitution provides that the vice president meet the same qualifications as the president. There are no restrictions respecting education, gender or race; the candidate must be 35 years of age, an American citizen and have spent at least 14 years in the United States. Vice President Kamala Harris said on Meet the Press last Sunday that she has "documentary proof" that Thomas is not an American citizen, but the proof has so far not been forthcoming.

Seeking to allay Thomas's reservations, Trump reportedly told him that assuming the VP moniker is an invitation to "Gravyland," and that he will enrich himself "like a white man." Thomas reportedly perked up at this. "The current term of the Court ends in just a few days," said Trump, "and then it's a straight shot to the end of October, when the next term starts. Clarence can take a leave of absence from the Court for the remaining two weeks as we campaign." Thomas has remarked to friends that he anticipates an excursion to Borneo in August.

If Thomas were to win, however, he would of course have to resign from one of the positions. This would work to Trump's benefit, in that he would instantly nominate a replacement more in line with his ideology. Such candidates are said to include ex-aide Steve Bannon, daughter Ivanka Trump, disbarred attorney George Eastman and various other fascists recommended by the Heritage Foundation. "It's a win-win," said Trump.

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Trump has floated many VP candidate choices, but his latest is a shocker: Clarence Thomas as running mate. Since announcing his third run for the presidency in Nov. … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/14/23

Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/14/23
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    [post_date] => 2023-11-14 07:12:05
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    [post_content] => 

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about 'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City,' doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:  Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: [caption id="attachment_110444" align="aligncenter" width="750"]Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.[/caption]

'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City' begins season four

… Hmmm, are they all married to the same guy?

Clocks ‘fall back’ to Daylight Savings Time

Mike Johnson turned his clock back to 1840; Hamas: 'Hold my sundial.'

Orcas strike back (again), sinking another yacht in Europe after 45-minute attack

Turn down the ‘Yacht Rock,’ dummies …

A Video Of Kamala Harris dancing at a Hip-Hop concert is going viral

… while Trump is showing off his rap sheet.

Veterans celebrate Veteran’s Day across the U.S.

I’m thinking veterans should get free Internet. First, it's the least we could do. Second, how cool would it be to call it Semper WiFi.

Vivek Ramaswamy: Nikki Haley is Dick Cheney in 3-inch heels

DeSantis: Nikki, where’d you get those heels?

According to Elon Musk’s own math, the company formerly known as Twitter has lost 90% of its value

In fact, X has diminished so much in value, it’s now known as x.

Happy 77th birthday. Sally Field

In case your hearing’s not as sharp, ‘WE LIKE YOU; WE REALLY, REALLY LIKE YOU!’

Ivanka Trump took the stand

… Look for Sarah Huckabee to buy it.

Missouri high school teacher is put on leave after school officials discover her page on porn site

They were probably afraid she’d teach the kids how to multiply.

SAG-AFTRA announce ‘historic’ deal to end strike

So, ‘The Nanny’ made the AMPTP look like ninnies.

Trump says he’d pick Tucker Carlson as Veep

Trump’s gone from ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ to ‘Dancing with Czars!’

Exxon just announced its highest profits in their 152-year history, raking in $19,660,000,000

And, that’s not including Slim Jims and Big Gulps at their convenience stores …

Virginia Democrat Susanna Gibson loses state House race after sex video scandal

… People were shocked seeing a politician with their actual spouse … [post_title] => Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/14/23 [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => ripping-headlines-today-11-14-23-salt-lake-city [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2023-11-15 19:07:57 [post_modified_gmt] => 2023-11-16 03:07:57 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=110406 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about ‘The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City,’ doesn’t need to be complicated … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/7/23

Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/7/23
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 110319
    [post_author] => 1270
    [post_date] => 2023-11-07 08:01:51
    [post_date_gmt] => 2023-11-07 16:01:51
    [post_content] => 

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about John Stamos, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:  Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: [caption id="attachment_110334" align="aligncenter" width="750"]John Stamos John Stamos does look pretty wasted in this promo pic.[/caption]

John Stamos: alcoholism got so bad that ‘I don’t remember’ filming ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2’ after DUI arrest

Wish I could say same about viewing it.

Mark Meadows book publisher sued him today for lying in his book

On the positive side, it’s up for a Pulitzer … in fiction.

Texas Rangers win its first World Series amid record low ratings

Raising the question: if you win a World Series and no one sees it, did you really win a World Series?

JFK allegedly never consummated his relationship with Zsa Zsa Gabor, despite months of dating

For those going ‘who?’ Gabor is Hungarian for Kardashian.

Judge dismisses Brett Favre's defamation lawsuit against Shannon Sharpe

Word is, it was picked off by the bailiff and run back for touchdown.

If you’re a baby boomer or Gen X, here are 5 signs you can’t afford to retire early

Number one: If you clicked on this story, you’re probably screwed.

Americans spend more than $500 Million on costumes for their pets every year

Where the hell is PETA when you really need them!?

Rep. George Santos survives effort to expel him from the House

Hell, he wasn’t even given detention.

Legendary Indiana U basketball coach Bobby Knight dies at 83

… and immediately got his ass ‘Teed’ up by St Peter.

Larsa Pippen responds to Cardi B's criticism of her sex life

I’m guessing she reached out on WAPS App.

Several fringe media reporting that Putin suffered cardiac arrest on Sunday evening

I’d be shocked, shocked he has a heart.

Man, 77, meant to sell ill-gotten erectile drugs in sprawling Florida retirement community, feds say

It’d only be fair he got some hard time.

FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried’s biggest fear in jail revealed by author

What? That there isn’t a prison gang affiliated with the Crypts?

Judge tells Ivanka she can probably afford a babysitter

… If not, I’m sure Mexico can always pay for it … [post_title] => Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/7/23 [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => ripping-headlines-today-11-07-23-john-stamos [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2023-11-07 08:04:28 [post_modified_gmt] => 2023-11-07 16:04:28 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=110319 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about John Stamos, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/19/22

Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/19/22
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 105346
    [post_author] => 1270
    [post_date] => 2022-12-19 07:31:21
    [post_date_gmt] => 2022-12-19 15:31:21
    [post_content] => 

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the oldest known narrative carving, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: [caption id="attachment_105348" align="aligncenter" width="750"]narrative carving Oldest known narrative carving.[/caption]

10,000-year-old carving of man holding his genitals is oldest known narrative carving

... He is also the first known Pubist.

Elon Musk left ‘withering’ by heavy boos at Dave Chappelle show

Sounds like Elon crashed on stage like a Tesla on autopilot.

Salmon caught near Seattle are full of cocaine and antidepressants

… And why restaurants price them by the gram ...

Biden celebrates ‘Wright Brothers Day,’ American air travel innovators

No word if he forgave them for losing his luggage on one of those early flights.

Apple exec fired after being caught on video joking about 'fondling big-breasted women'

Look for him to try and get a job at Oogle.

Nerve-deadening devices impress EU heart doctors'

Thank goodness we have a new antidote for people watching the new Avatar.

Former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried has been arrested in the Bahamas to send to U.S

This might take a while if he’s paying his bills in Crypto …

Diddy reveals he secretly welcomed baby no. 7

In response, Nick Cannon called him ‘a slacker.’

CNN cancels ‘Stanley Tucci: Searching For Italy’ as part of originals pullback

Old episodes will now be known as ‘Remembrance of Things Pasta.’

Jlo has purse with her name printed on it

She had it made special for the love of her life ... herself.

McDonald’s is bringing back this fan-favorite breakfast item

And, nothing says ‘Happy Hanukah’ like a Sausage, Egg and Cheese Breakfast Bagel.

Skip Bayless and Shannon Sharpe Quarrel for real on 'Undisputed,' and it's intense

Shannon Sharpe looked like he was about to hand Skip Baylis his glasses, so Baylis could see who he was messing with!

Happy 97th birthday Dick Van Dyke

And, a reminder, Ric Santorum is so homophobic he refuses to watch Mary Poppins because it stars Dick Van Dyke.

Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner ditched their usual pda & reportedly acted 'cold' towards each other during recent public outing

… So, maybe they are a real married couple. [post_title] => Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/19/22 [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => ripping-headlines-today-12-19-22-narrative-carving [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-12-18 22:53:15 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-12-19 06:53:15 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=105346 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about the oldest known narrative carving, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/6/22

Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/6/22
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 105120
    [post_author] => 1270
    [post_date] => 2022-12-06 16:56:43
    [post_date_gmt] => 2022-12-07 00:56:43
    [post_content] => 

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Dwayne Johnson, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: [caption id="attachment_105122" align="aligncenter" width="713"]Dwayne Johnson Dwayne Johnson clears his conscience.[/caption]

Dwayne Johnson visits 7-Eleven he used to shoplift from and clears his conscience

... and aisle three of all the Hostess Twinkies for old times’ sake.

Chris Christie’s rolling over on Trump

That’s gotta be crushing!

Twitter shuts offices amid worker exodus as many reject Elon Musk’s ultimatum

Damn, now he may have to lock ‘em in to keep the place running.

Biden hits record high approval rating thanks to this surprising demographic

Herschel Walker’s kids…?

Snoop Dogg smokes up to 150 joints per day, says personal blunt roller

Willie Nelson: Hold my roach clip.

Cardi B could face legal action over Marge Simpson Halloween costume

... while Homer has to worry about word getting out about that that Nicky Minaj a troi!

Class action filed against Tom Brady, Larry David and others who endorsed FTX

No word if diabetics are going after Count Chocula.

Kari Lake challenging her Arizona race results

I get the feeling this isn’t the only race Kari Lake is unhappy with!

Twitter users find porn after searching about COVID protests in China

So, we’re talking COVID-69.

Sesame Workshop mourns the passing of Bob McGrath

Today’s letters are R.I.P.

Mayim Bialik talks preparing to host 'Jeopardy!' and her relationship with co-host Ken Jennings:

What is get a room you two?

Jay Cutler was spotted in the stands at Pack/Bears games

He threw someone a bag of peanuts, it was picked off and run back for a touchdown.

Researchers study 15,000+ penises to determine average lengths around the world

Although, keep in mind, some of the evidence was circumcisional.

Michael Cohen says Ivanka Trump's self-exile from politics may be because she was the FBI's mole at Mar-a-Lago

… They should’ve gone to Jared … [post_title] => Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/6/22 [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => ripping-headlines-today-12-06-22-dwayne-johnson [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-12-06 16:56:43 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-12-07 00:56:43 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=105120 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about Dwayne Johnson, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any … Read more

Quirky Quotables to Trump’s Announcement for 2024!

Quirky Quotables to Trump’s Announcement for 2024!
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 104654
    [post_author] => 1349
    [post_date] => 2022-11-17 14:08:24
    [post_date_gmt] => 2022-11-17 22:08:24
    [post_content] => 

Quirky Quotables

Donald Trump steals headlines again & throws his hair in the ring for President! Quirky Quotables are bound to happen!

Some of the Quirky Quotables during Trump's 2024 announcement: MELANIA TRUMP 'Wait a F**kin' minute'! IVANKA 'Daddy Who'? STEVE BANNON haha 'See you soon, Buddy! PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN 'I got this'! HILLARY CLINTON 'If he goes back in - go back in'! LIZ CHENEY 'WTF - Groundhog Day'! ROGER STONE 'Anything I can do to help'? BARRON SMITH 'Who cares - I changed my name years ago'! MIKE PENCE 'Nope - not in a million years!  I'm done'! CLARENCE THOMAS 'I'll drink (a Coke) to that'! GINNI THOMAS 'Oh, Happy Day'! DR. ANTHONY FAUCI 'Calgon, take me away'! KANYE WEST 'Come all Ye faithful'! ELON MUSK 'Come to me, Baby!  Ready for Twitter'? HERCHEL WALKER 'Way to go, Bossman!  All my kids will vote'! STORMY DANIELS 'You're so hot when you make crazy decisions - Freebie'? RUDY GUILIANI 'Nah, I'm going with DeSantis'! JARED KUSHNER 'In my published book, the President is Jewish'! MICHAEL LINDELL (My Pillow Guy) 'Got you down for 2 more White House Pillows & a Duvet, right'? And...MARILYN SANDS 'After 500 articles, I...I...I've run out of words - you know, synonyms for Idiot'!

Quirky Quotables

[post_title] => Quirky Quotables to Trump's Announcement for 2024! [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => quirky-quotables-trump-2024 [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-11-17 14:10:03 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-11-17 22:10:03 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=104654 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Donald Trump steals headlines again & throws his hair in the ring for President! Quirky Quotables are bound to happen! Some of the Quirky Quotables during Trump’s 2024 … Read more

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