The Unreported News About Your ‘Newspaper’

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    [ID] => 107745
    [post_author] => 4
    [post_date] => 2023-06-17 13:59:58
    [post_date_gmt] => 2023-06-17 20:59:58
    [post_content] => 

Your paper not even mention an important local news story, especially if such unreported news is not good for its owner.

Why would your local newspaper not even mention an important local news story? Perhaps because such unreported news is a damning story about the conglomerate owner of the paper. This month, hundreds of journalists working for major dailies in some two dozen cities across America joined in an extraordinary mass walkout from their jobs. They were protesting the rank greed, gross mismanagement and abandonment of democratic duty by the owner of their papers. That owner is Gannett, a massive financial conglomerate that has grabbed control of more than 200 dailies in 43 states. This is a huge, multidimensional unreported news story about news itself -- but where was the coverage? Big Story No. 1: Unbeknownst to most people in these communities, they no longer have a local daily paper: Control over everything from news content to price now belongs to bean-counting strangers at Gannett headquarters hundreds of miles away. Big Story No. 2: More fundamentally, control has moved from journalists to bankers. Gannett is owned by SoftBank, a Japanese hedge fund that has rapaciously looted American newsrooms to grab extravagant fees, salaries and profits for its rich financial hucksters. Big Story No. 3: The workaday hometown reporters, photographers and others who actually produce Gannett's papers are making a gutsy stand against the profiteer, not just for themselves, but for the essential ideals of journalistic integrity and grassroots democracy. Biggest Story of All: Gannett's 200-plus papers cravenly joined in a concerted blanket coverup of this momentous story, stiffing the public they're supposed to serve and disrespecting the ethical stand of their own employees. Even Gannett's flagship paper USA Today -- which regularly reports on other labor actions -- took a dive on covering the journalistic malfeasance of its own overseer. To fight hedge fund corporatization of journalism, local news and democracy, go to newsguild.org.

True 'Wokeism' is a Core American Value -- Stand Up for It!

As Scottish literary giant Robert Burns wrote, "The best-laid schemes of mice and men / Go oft awry." His 1785 poem, titled "To a Mouse," could be directed today at the right-wing sloganeers who've been scheming so furiously to turn their hokey "woke" snobbery into a winning political stratagem. "Your local librarian is woke!" they screech. "So is Disney, Inc.! Some of your churches, too, plus all Democrats, and -- OMG -- even Bud Light!!!" Creeping "wokeism" is the new Red Scare, Welfare Queen and Willie Horton political bugaboos rolled into one, forming the main "issue" of Republicans now running for president, Congress and dogcatcher. But rather than getting defensive, insisting you are NOT woke, consider firing back by saying, "Of course I'm woke!" For the great majority of Americans, being woke is a very positive characteristic, meaning you're awake, attentive to what's going on. Indeed, in Black communities, "stay woke" has long meant staying alert to racial and social injustices. But even some Republicans must consider it bizarrely self-defeating for their party's top candidates to be urging voters to go to sleep. GOP leaders explain that "anti-woke" means crusading against DEI (diversity, equity and inclusion). But wait -- that means they're opposing America itself, for we are a nation united under the essential principle of e pluribus unum. As affirmed by the egalitarian principles of the Declaration of Independence, the 14th Amendment, the Statue of Liberty -- and our kindergarten teachings of sharing and fairness -- ours is a country rooted in constant diversification, expanding equality and the democratic idea that every voice ought to be included. Our country needs more of all three! This is Jim Hightower saying... America is way short of achieving these historic ideals, but shame on those revisionist political elites now demanding we abandon even striving for them. Confront the charlatans! [post_title] => The Unreported News About Your 'Newspaper' [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => unreported-news-about-your-newspaper [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2023-06-17 14:00:39 [post_modified_gmt] => 2023-06-17 21:00:39 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=107745 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Your paper not even mention an important local news story, especially if such unreported news is not good for its owner. Why would your local newspaper not even … Read more

Another Bowl

Another Bowl
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    [ID] => 102537
    [post_author] => 1412
    [post_date] => 2022-08-10 12:50:38
    [post_date_gmt] => 2022-08-10 19:50:38
    [post_content] => 

Trump gets a fitting landmark, another bowl in a rehabbed former Queens police station near a red-lined apartment complex.

Now that the Department of the Interior has designated a site for a Trump Landmark, I, as Chair of the Design Committee, can instruct my team to begin thinking about a list of potential speakers and possible points of emphasis for its red-tape opening. Another BowlThe site -- a rehabbed former Queens police station next to a previously red-lined apartment complex -- will serve as a reminder of the 45th’s youth and development. Its main feature will be an outsize fake Gold Toilet Bowl in the center of a small rotunda. This Marcel Duchamp-like sculpture will serve as a replica of his Oval Office, the former occupant’s monarchial ambitions, and his attempts to flush The Constitution. A nearby subway station will make it easy for bankrupt family members and his former entourage to visit at a reasonable cost. The sub-way itself will serve as a symbol of the former president’s effort to organize an underground movement to subvert American democracy. We want speakers at the launch of the Trump Landmark to represent as many attributes and accomplishment of the twice-loser of the popular vote, so we have composed a provisional and tentative list of eloquent keynoters: Stormy Daniels: “You’re wrong, he does take off his socks.” Putin: “Real double agent material, I tried.” Ivanka: “No, he hasn’t agreed to circumcision, but he’s willing to consider it for me.” Dershowwitz: “You’re fuckin’ right, vulgarity is guaranteed by the First Amendment.” Hannity: “He said everything I told him to say, a great student.” In the spirit of transparency and fairness, I have to say on behalf of the committee that we recognize our ambivalent attitude towards Mr. Trump, but we believe his Landmark will be an accurate and factual representation of the overseer’s time in office. Howard R. Wolf, Ph.D. (for the Design Committee) P.S. The committee welcomes suggestions. [post_title] => Another Bowl [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => another-bowl [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-08-10 14:47:33 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-08-10 21:47:33 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=102537 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Trump gets a fitting landmark, another bowl in a rehabbed former Queens police station near a red-lined apartment complex. Now that the Department of the Interior has designated … Read more

Supplying the Trumpbrary

Supplying the Trumpbrary
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    [ID] => 102244
    [post_author] => 1412
    [post_date] => 2022-07-25 12:16:02
    [post_date_gmt] => 2022-07-25 19:16:02
    [post_content] => 

Proposed deposits for the new "Trumpbrary" include a wealth of iconic artifacts evoking the dedicatee and his administration.

By Roger Porter and Howard Wolf
As Head Librarian of the New York State Penal System, I was pleased to learn I would be an advisor recommending items to place in the forthcoming Trumpbrary, now in its early planning stages. My first suggestion, however, was its location. I advised a Louisiana bayou or the Everglades, to avoid creating a swamp at tax-payers’ expense. [caption id="attachment_102247" align="alignleft" width="400"]Trumpbrary The new "Trumpbrary" could be housed in the New York State Penal System. Photo by daryl_mitchell, flickr.com.[/caption] Given how few books the building might contain, my proposed deposits include a wealth of iconic artifacts evoking the dedicatee and his administration.
  • Adolescent library card. The Queens Public Library in Jamaica, N.Y. issued in 1956, unused.
  • Thirty Days to a More Powerful Vocabulary. Pages uncut.
  • Manuscript of The Art of the Deal. In Tony Schwartz’ hand.
  • Manuscript for proposed book entitled The Art of the Steal. In Sidney Powell’s hand.
  • Jeffrey Epstein’s “Little Black Book.” A presentation copy signed “To my dear friend--use it well.”
  • Powerful Men Bundle: BDSM Domination and Submission, Domestic Discipline by Women, Explicit Erotica with Pleasure and Sweet Pain, Kinky Age Gap Play, with Cuckquean Humiliated Spanking. Well-thumbed pages, many dog-eared.
  • Banning the Croissant as a Sign of Islam: A Guide to Conservative Bakery Practices. Endorsed by Marie Le Pen.
  • Mein Kampf. “Right on” frequently scribbled in margins.
  • Run, Don, Run. See Don Run. First grade primer for Alabama primary schools.
  • Pardonnez-moi, by Roger Stone. Title page contains photograph of author’s thigh adorned with a tattoo of his new idol’s face.
  • How to Lie with Maps. Pristine copy, except for multiple black sharpie underlinings.
  • Critical Race Theory: How Usain Bolt Thought About his Important Sprints. So that’s what it means?
  • Transcript from The Wharton School. Redacted version.
  • Maintaining the Ozone Layer: A Comprehensive Plan to Stop Aliens from Penetrating Our Atmosphere. At last, a no-expense wall.
  • X-ray of bone chip, with comment by Dr. Bornstein: “This should do the trick.”
  • Collected Tweets. One of which will be flashed in neon every hour on the hour.
  • Solid spun gold yarmulkes. Worn at Jared and Ivanka’s sons’ brises.
  • A whip. Initials MKT on the handle. Use conjectural.
  • Facsimile of 2020 Nobel Peace Prize medallion. Accompanied by photoshopped image of embrace with Mother Teresa.
  • Folder labeled “Complete IRS tax forms.” These appear to be only from 1964 to 1970.
  • Video of woman on Moscow hotel bed. Unspecified amber arc in upper left quadrant.
  • American flag with stars removed for each state that voted for Biden in 2020. Note stitched on the obverse: “Where is my Betsy Ross?”
  • Glass cabinet containing tiki torches. Note pasted on the side: “Light up the sky!”
  • Prosthetic knee replacement. Rusted, dented, and marked “For Kaepernick.”
  • Barack Obama’s birth certificate. With seal purportedly from “The Government of Nambia.”
  • Cross-dressing clothing. Mislabeled as belonging to Ivanka.
  • Leg shackles. Label attached: “Will these fit Sessions’ ankles?”
  • Trump National Doral scorecard. Total of 69, with most holes’ scores written over erasings.
  • Photographic album of selfies. All appear to be practicing grimaces, marked “Mussolini,” “Franco,” and “Duterte.”
  • Children’s chemistry set. With note: “Covid cure here?? Worth a try.”
  • Hallmark Valentine card from “Stormy.” With inscription: “It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.”
  • Model of windmill with dead bird taped to one blade. Affixed note: “Time to tilt.”
  • Taxidermized bat. Gift from President Xi Jinping of China.
  • Copy of note from DJT left in the resolute desk: “Well, pal, it’s yours ’til August.” This should help raise funds.
In the event we are honored by the presence of a former head of state as our latest permanent resident, my own institution will acquire as many of the texts and objects I have recommended as possible. I will also suggest naming the library at our corrections facility "Trumpbrary," after its new occupant. [post_title] => Supplying the Trumpbrary [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => trumpbrary [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-08-07 15:26:13 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-08-07 22:26:13 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=102244 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Proposed deposits for the new “Trumpbrary” include a wealth of iconic artifacts evoking the dedicatee and his administration. By Roger Porter and Howard Wolf As Head Librarian of … Read more

Welcome to Your Local Public Library — Please Take Your Dildos With You When You Leave!

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    [ID] => 73460
    [post_author] => 959
    [post_date] => 2019-01-27 18:16:10
    [post_date_gmt] => 2019-01-28 02:16:10
    [post_content] => 

"Please Take Your Dildos With You When You Leave" and other warning signs libraries may need these days.

A librarian pal recently posted the following question on a Facebook group for librarians: “If there were a sign that prohibited the craziest, oddest or grossest thing that has happened at your library, what would it say?” If you think libraries are serene and uneventful places to work, their answers might surprise you: No pulling your pants down and pretending to poop on our American flag. Don’t get down on your hands and knees, pretend that you’re a dog and have your friends chase you around the Quiet Reading Room. Don’t lie down on the floor, pull out your penis and waggle it at old ladies. No suicide attempts at the multimedia desk. Please do not ask library staff if we are wearing black pantyhose. Please bandage all head wounds before using library-owned headphones. Please take your dildos with you when you leave. No defecating in books by authors whose political views you oppose. Do not return our books in “sticky” condition. Paperback spinners are not urinals. Please do not remove your clothing. No weapons, even if they are antique. No masturbating in front of the nuns. No masturbating on female patrons from the mezzanine. Don’t clip your toenails over the computer keyboards. People who leave wet, partially chewed piles of sunflower seeds on our book shelves will be taken out and shot. Please do not pay library fines with money you’ve just pulled out of your underwear. No sex in the bathroom. No taking photos of women’s feet under the tables. Don’t call the reference desk and ask the librarian if you can suck her boobs. The public use microwave shall not be used to cook squirrel. If you wouldn’t think of doing any of these things in a library? I’d like to thank you on behalf of library workers everywhere. And if you were about to head over to the library to take a few sneaky feet photos, strip and then cook up some roadkill? Better think twice. We’re onto you. (Roz Warren is the author of "Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection of Library Humor" and "Just Another Day at Your Local Public Library.") [post_title] => Welcome to Your Local Public Library -- Please Take Your Dildos With You When You Leave! [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => public-library-your-dildos [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2019-01-27 18:16:10 [post_modified_gmt] => 2019-01-28 02:16:10 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=73460 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

“Please Take Your Dildos With You When You Leave” and other warning signs libraries may need these days. A librarian pal recently posted the following question on a … Read more

From Bacon to Meth: The World’s Weirdest Bookmarks

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    [ID] => 70456
    [post_author] => 959
    [post_date] => 2018-09-25 17:15:32
    [post_date_gmt] => 2018-09-26 00:15:32
    [post_content] => 

The weirdest 'bookmarks' librarians have found tucked into returned library material.

When you work in a library, you soon learn that patrons can make use of some rather unlikely things to mark their places as they read, which they’ll often forget to remove when the books come back. For instance? Here’s a list of "bookmarks" librarians have recently found tucked into returned library material: Chunk of cat fur. Deed to a cemetery plot Slice of bacon Squirrel tail Colonoscopy photo Bag of meth Nude pics of a patron (We all recognized him!) Joint Slice of cheese Razor blade Thong Toenail clippings Corn cob Teeth Cash 85 year old tram ticket KKK propaganda pamphlets Frog Bullet Credit Card Used Q-Tip Cheese Quesadilla Half-eaten slice of pizza inside a blown-up condom. I wonder what the story behind that particular combo was. On second thought -- I probably don’t want to know. In any event, the next time you return your books to the library? Make sure you take the squirrel tail out first. But you can leave the cash. Better yet? Use a large check payable to the library for a book mark, and leave it in the book when it comes back. We can always use the funding. (Roz Warren is the curator of the Library Laughs Facebook Page and author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR.) [post_title] => From Bacon to Meth: The World's Weirdest Bookmarks [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => worlds-weirdest-bookmarks [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-10-09 22:29:45 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-10-10 05:29:45 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=70456 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

The weirdest ‘bookmarks’ librarians have found tucked into returned library material. When you work in a library, you soon learn that patrons can make use of some rather … Read more

Come for the Great Gatsby, Stay for the Sardines

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    [ID] => 67857
    [post_author] => 959
    [post_date] => 2018-05-25 14:39:20
    [post_date_gmt] => 2018-05-25 21:39:20
    [post_content] => 

Sure, you can find "The Great Gatsby" in your local library. But may run into a lot of interesting food items as well.

Library patrons often bring coffee, candy or chips to the library where I work to snack on. But some of our patrons nosh on more surprising things. Here are a few of the food items librarians tell me they've recently found in their libraries: Sardines. A full bottle of vodka chilling in the toilet tank in the men's room. A box of fruit snacks, shelved like a book. A can of artichoke hearts. A bottle of real ketchup mixed in with the containers of pretend food in the junior room's play kitchen. Trail mix in the computer keyboards. A banana in the book drop. A slice of cheese being used as a book mark. A bag of chopped broccoli. "The other day we found a plugged-in croc pot cooking something in the lobby. It smelled amazing." "We once had a patron plug in a blender and start making herself a smoothie. She was flummoxed when we told her that she couldn't do that." A pile of onion peels on the floor by the cookbook section. An empty Cool Whip container in the teen room with three spoons in it. An entire rotisserie chicken on the counter in the bathroom. Half a can of Vienna Sausage in a ficus tree. Chicken bones under the chair cushions. A large uneaten pizza sitting on a table in the quiet study section. We don't know how it got there and nobody ever claimed it. A cabbage sitting on the shelf in the travel section. A bowl of Fruit Loops. A pineapple. You can come to the library to sate your hunger for knowledge. Or your hunger for cheese, artichoke hearts and Fruit Loops. Either way, we'll always be happy to see you. (Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves, a Collection of Library Humor.) [post_title] => Come for the Great Gatsby, Stay for the Sardines [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => great-gatsby-sardines [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-10-09 22:29:44 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-10-10 05:29:44 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=67857 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Sure, you can find “The Great Gatsby” in your local library. But may run into a lot of interesting food items as well. Library patrons often bring coffee, … Read more

Top Twenty Nicknames Librarians Have Given to Book Carts

WP_Post Object
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    [ID] => 66093
    [post_author] => 959
    [post_date] => 2018-02-01 13:47:31
    [post_date_gmt] => 2018-02-01 21:47:31
    [post_content] => 

Orson Scott Cart, meet Louisa May Alcart: Here are the Top Twenty Nicknames librarians have given to book carts.

If you work in a library, you work with book carts, so naturally you give them nicknames. You could call your faithful book cart Bumpy, Squeaky, Rusty or Tipsy. But surely you can do better than that! Here’s a list of actual nicknames librarians have bestowed upon their favorite book carts: Boris Cartoff Andrew Cartnegie Louisa May Alcart Orson Scott Cart Magna Carta Herman Shelfville Carty McCartface Paul McCartney Cartin Sheen Kim Kartdashian Wheels DeGrasse Tyson Cart Blanche Schlep Cartship Enterprise Cart Simpson Napolean Bonacarte Wheely Dan Cart Garfunkel Total Eclipse Of The Cart Bookaditch Cartabatch Groucho Cart Descartes Cart Vader Lord Voldecart Cartasaurus Rex If you happen to be a librarian and these names inspire you to re-name the book cart in your life, please share the results in the comments section. (Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library , both of which make terrific gifts for librarians and other book-lovers.) [post_title] => Top Twenty Nicknames Librarians Have Given to Book Carts [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => librarians-name-book-carts [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-10-09 22:29:40 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-10-10 05:29:40 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=66093 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Orson Scott Cart, meet Louisa May Alcart: Here are the Top Twenty Nicknames librarians have given to book carts. If you work in a library, you work with … Read more

Mr. Creeping Hands, Gum-Popping Granny and Crabby Newspaper Guy: Welcome to Your Local Library

WP_Post Object
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    [ID] => 65671
    [post_author] => 959
    [post_date] => 2018-01-03 14:09:33
    [post_date_gmt] => 2018-01-03 22:09:33
    [post_content] => 

Giving difficult patrons funny nicknames is a "library thing."

At the library where I work, we have an incredibly challenging patron whose imperious demands, unpleasant attitude and relentless sense of entitlement annoy and depress us all so much that we’ve nicknamed her “Sunshine.” (Never to her face of course. Only when we’re commiserating about our encounters with her behind her back.) Giving difficult patrons funny nicknames is a “library thing.” Why? Library work can be stressful, and humor is a coping mechanism. Our job requires that we be gracious and helpful, no matter how unpleasant you are to us. But after you leave? That’s another story. When I asked my fellow library workers to share some of the names they’ve given their most annoying and/or notable “customers” over the years, they came up with the following: Captain Underpants (who doesn’t wear any…) Gun Totin’ Granny (We’re an open carry state.) Racist Mr. Magoo Sir Wanksalot a.k.a. Mr. Happypants (because of his antics at our public internet computers.) Crabby Newspaper Guy (he throws a fit if the daily paper isn’t waiting for him when he arrives.) The Cowboy (hat, vest and no shirt.) Chair Guy (He always carries around a folding chair.) Mr. Creeping Hands Sleeping Beauty (He comes to the library to snooze.) (And snore.) Diaper Man (Don’t ask…) Pajamas man. (Self explanatory.) (No underwear, either.) Angry Sam Waterston Sad-faced Ron Weasley Shouting Speakerphone Lady The Weatherman (He phones each day to ask us to read him the weather forecast.) Gum-popping Granny The Wicked Bitch of the West (We’ve never seen her smile.) Madame Pineapple (because she’s crazier than a fruit basket) Prince Valium Trump Wench Mr. Dawdles (Always has to be the last patron out the door, usually several minutes after closing time.) Has your local librarian has given you a snarky nickname? It could be worse. The baddest apples usually get called by their full names, because we’ve had to write them up repeatedly. The fact that you have a nickname means that your antics may be challenging, but they aren’t (yet) illegal. If you’re a tough library customer, perhaps your New Year’s Resolution can be to turn over a new leaf, so that when you come to the library in 2018, your librarian will actually be happy to see you instead of wanting to hide under her desk. And if not? We’ve got a name for you. (Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library, both of which you should buy immediately.) [post_title] => Mr. Creeping Hands, Gum-Popping Granny and Crabby Newspaper Guy: Welcome to Your Local Library [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => difficult-patrons-local-library [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-10-09 22:29:38 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-10-10 05:29:38 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=65671 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Giving difficult patrons funny nicknames is a “library thing.” At the library where I work, we have an incredibly challenging patron whose imperious demands, unpleasant attitude and relentless … Read more

A Librarian By Any Other Name

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    [ID] => 65246
    [post_author] => 959
    [post_date] => 2017-11-28 12:32:50
    [post_date_gmt] => 2017-11-28 20:32:50
    [post_content] => 

Top Fourteen Replacements for the Word "Librarian"

Library work has changed a lot over the years. Should our job title change with it? A group of librarians I know recently put their heads together and came up with this (not entirely serious) Top Fourteen Suggested Replacements for the Word “Librarian”:

Book Whisperer

Information Sherpa

Infogeek

Distiller of Truth

Information Goddess

Curiosity Detective

Truth Wizard

Info Ninja

Factmonger

Resourcerer

Information Activist

Ignorance Slayer

Curiosity Concierge

Materials Shepherd

Any suggested additions to this list? Please share them in the Comments section. (Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library, both of which you should buy immediately.) [post_title] => A Librarian By Any Other Name [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => librarian-new-name [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-10-09 22:29:37 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-10-10 05:29:37 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=65246 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 4 [filter] => raw )

Top Fourteen Replacements for the Word “Librarian” Library work has changed a lot over the years. Should our job title change with it? A group of librarians I … Read more

I’d Be Happy To Date You When Hell Freezes Over: Online Dating Turnoffs

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    [ID] => 64670
    [post_author] => 959
    [post_date] => 2017-11-10 14:35:49
    [post_date_gmt] => 2017-11-10 22:35:49
    [post_content] => 

One single librarian's collection of online dating turnoffs

Shirtless pics. Headless pics. Bathroom selfies. Gym selfies. Anything camo or Trump-related. Any photo of a guy with a fish or a dead deer. Spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. (I can’t help it -- I think less of men who use “it’s” when they mean “its.”) Photos of a man standing next to a truck, car or boat. Or even worse -- a photo of just the car, truck or boat! (Dude - I don't want to date your boat.) Anything referencing genitalia, euphemistically or otherwise, mine or his. “Bigboy69.” “Pussylover.” “Sir Lickitalot." No. Just no. Overly cute usernames. (Such as? Any username that includes “4U.”) “Legally separated." (As far as I'm concerned, “legally separated” just means “I’m not really single but I want to act as if I am.”) Cliches. “Likes to take long walks on a sunset beach.” I live in suburban Philadelphia. There are no beaches here. Anyone whose hobbies are “huntin’ fishin’ and 4-wheelin.” (a.k.a. “the country boy trifecta.”) Weird facial hair. (Including, but not limited to, mutton chop sideburns, mammoth lumberjack beards and the dreaded curlicue mustache.) Photos that include an ex-wife or girlfriend. (Especially if her face has been scribbled out. If you do that, you don‘t need a girlfriend. You need a therapist.) And the absolute worst? Guys in their 60s who will only date women in their 20s and 30s. If you’re a woman who is online dating, feel free to add to this list in the comments section. If you’re a man who is online dating, feel free to edit your profile accordingly. (And if you’re an intelligent, funny single man in his 60s who would never dream of including any of these things in his own online dating profile? Get in touch.) (Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library, both of which you should buy immediately.) [post_title] => I'd Be Happy To Date You When Hell Freezes Over: Online Dating Turnoffs [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => online-dating-turnoffs [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-10-09 22:29:31 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-10-10 05:29:31 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=64670 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 1 [filter] => raw )

One single librarian’s collection of online dating turnoffs Shirtless pics. Headless pics. Bathroom selfies. Gym selfies. Anything camo or Trump-related. Any photo of a guy with a fish … Read more

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