Paul Lander - Humor Times

Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/5/23

By Paul Lander, June 5, 2023June 5, 2023

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The news, even with headlines like "Disney pulls plug in Florida," doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_107596" align="aligncenter" width="700"] Disney pulls plug in Florida.[/caption]
Disney pulls plug on billion dollar development in Florida
… Or, the equivalent of 2 weeks of park parking and a Mickey Mouse hat with your name stitched into it!
Bill to legalize recreational marijuana fails in Oklahoma as all 77 counties vote against
... So, a no to becoming Tokelahoma ...
Marjorie Taylor Greene defends boyfriend dressing in drag
Wait until she finds out he eats trans saturated-fats.
Biden tripped on stage at Air Force Academy
Of course, he’s ok; it’s not like he’s L.A Laker Anthony ‘Street Clothes’ Davis!
Tesla CEO Musk teases two new models
No word which one he promised a pony to – to date him.
Planet's 2nd smartest human reveals ‘50 mind drugs and supplements’ he takes every day
Yeah, but what if the world’s smartest human thinks this is a dumb idea?
Giant phallus-shaped iceberg floating in Conception Bay surprises residents of Dildo, Canada
Batteries not included.
Tara Reade, who accused Joe Biden of sexual assault, defects to Russia
You’re Putin me on?
Danny Masterson found guilty in retrial
Masterson’s next gig’s going to be ‘That 70’s to Life Show.’
After finding Chinese chips in Russian weapons, Ukraine confronted Beijing’s envoy
…. Wonder where they put the cheese dip.
Kendall Jenner goes braless, wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen
C'mon, the Kardashians are a 'wardrobe malefaction’ WANTING to happen.
Apple Stock is near a record high. what could get it there?
Hold on, I’ll ask Siri.
Texas teen arrested after taking assault rifle, handguns to school’
See what happens when you don't bring enough for everybody?
After calling Joe Biden senile, Republicans complain
he outsmarted them
… In fairness, that doesn’t take much …
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even with headlines like “Disney pulls plug in Florida,” doesn’t need to be complicated and … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/15/23

By Paul Lander, May 15, 2023May 15, 2023

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    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about telling Halle Bailey and Halle Berry apart, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_107361" align="aligncenter" width="750"] Halle Berry and Halle Bailey.[/caption]
Halle Bailey 'honored' to play Ariel in 'Little Mermaid' remake
I can’t be only one who keeps thinking Halle Berry is the new ‘Little Mermaid.’
Trump CNN Town Hall described as train wreck
Let’s face it; if that Trump Town Hall was anymore of a train wreck, it would have been sponsored by Norfolk Southern.
Costco offering $2,500 off Volvo EVs
But you do have to order 237 of them….
Biden says not yet ready to invoke 14th Amendment to avoid debt default
… Which he helped pass.
Robert De Niro welcomes 7th child at age 79
Sending the kids to their room must get redundant: “Am I talking to you? You see anyone else around here?”
McDonald's found liable for hot Chicken McNugget that burned girl
I’d be more shocked if they found actual chicken in the McNugget.
JLo’s mom ‘prayed for 20 years’ that her daughter and Ben Affleck would get back together
She must have really wanted a Gigli 2.
The jury has awarded E Jean Carroll $5M
That’s enough to buy Truth Social and still have almost 5 mil left.
Clarence Thomas kid’s tuition paid for while hearing cases involving Harlan Crow, the guy who paid it
So, a Quid Pro Crow!
Tucker Carlson got fired
Must’ve been the vaccine.
Sleeping Hilton Hotel guest wakes up to manager sucking on his feet, Tennessee lawsuit says
I’m guessing Hilton will foot that bill.
An entire generation of Asian girls were named after Connie Chung
… while her husband, Maury Povich, is not their father.
A scientist says he's solved the Bermuda Triangle, just like that
Unfortunately, he’s three days late, and counting, for the news conference…
Substitute teacher, 72, arrested for masturbating in HS hallway
Guess he misunderstood when they said he could come anytime he wanted.
Case against serial liar George Santos slam dunk, legal experts say
… Which reminded Santos of when he beat Michael Jordan in the NBA dunking contest.
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about telling Halle Bailey and Halle Berry apart, doesn’t need to be complicated … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/10/23

By Paul Lander, May 10, 2023May 9, 2023

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    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about mysterious piles of pasta, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_107312" align="aligncenter" width="680"] Oodles of noodles: mysterious piles of pasta.[/caption]
Mysterious piles of pasta found in a New Jersey forest
I guess that’s why it’s known as the Olive Garden State.
Massive penis is mowed into lawn at King Charles Coronation party venue
It’s ‘Hey, get off my lawn,’ NOT ‘Hey, get off on my lawn!’
Brad Pitt will be driving a real F1 car alongside the other 20 drivers starting at Silverstone
That’s really gotta piss off defending champion, George Santos.
Biden cracked jokes at Correspondents’ Dinner
While they named a menu item after Trump’s non-appearances …. Orange Flavored Chicken!
Ed Sheeran wins copyright-infringement lawsuit involving hit song “Thinking Out Loud” - ABC News
No word if Sheeran heard it through the grapevine.
Fox News viewers aren't happy Brian Kilmeade is hosting Tucker Carlson's show tonight”
Look for Kilmeade’s new show, ‘FOX and Friendless.”
Michelin-star chef shocks fans with plan to add semen-based dish to his menu
… The Beef Jerky Off, I presume.
RIP Harry Belafonte
Day light came and you're gonna go home. God speed.
Clouds above L.A., more showers in forecast
… Either that or Snoop and Willie Nelson are still partying at Willie’s birthday concert after-party.
Kim Kardashian says she's lost 21 lbs. since before last Met Gala
191, if count Kanye.
LeBron James nails half-court, no-look shot in Lakers practice
Or, as Steph Curry calls it a lay-up.
The WHO says Covid 19 no longer global emergency
I’m gonna wait for Led Zeppelin to weigh in…
18,000 cows killed in fire at Texas ranch
Instead of water, they put out the fire with barbecue sauce.
US jobs report shows gain of 253K in April
…Would've been 253,002 but, y'know, Tucker Carlson and Don Lemon …
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about mysterious piles of pasta, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/24/23

By Paul Lander, April 24, 2023April 23, 2023

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    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about 'Don't say gay' rules, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_107164" align="aligncenter" width="446"] Dracula also says "Don't say gay."[/caption]
So-called 'Don't Say Gay' rules expanded through 12th grade in Florida
Next, Florida plans to ban “Dracula” because he lives in Transylvania!
Daily marijuana users are more likely to take this health hit, a new study finds
I’m guessing, not remembering what the health hit is….
Nick Cannon claims he has 'super sperm' as women got pregnant despite practicing 'birth control'
Clearly, he’s one Cannon that doesn’t shoot blanks.
A Delaware man admitted he drunkenly snapped the thumb off of a $4.5 million ancient Chinese statue and swiped it
In fairness, Joe Biden said it looked like one he bought new and lost.
Son ordered 3 failed hits on his mafia-linked father
… When you’re grateful your son’s a failure.
Burger King is closing 27 more locations across the US
Causing cardiologists to have to consider a BMW 5 Series instead of a 7 Series.
Garden State legend Bruce Springsteen is getting his own holiday in New Jersey
It’ll be known each year as the first day of Springsteen.
Mike Pence booed at the NRA gathering, even as he seeks to move to the right of Trump on guns
Wait until he speaks at the NNA: the National Noose Association.
Jeff Bezos’ new $500MM mega-yacht didn’t have a helipad so he bought a support yacht
... Good thing he has Amazon Prime and didn't have to wait more than 1-3 days!
Take a tour of Michael Jordan's Chicago mansion that's been on the market for 10 years and see why he can't sell it
… Seems it’s not worth that much unless it includes Scottie Pippen and Phil Jackson.
Fox News reaches $787-million settlement in Dominion defamation suit
Can’t wait for Susan Collins to say Fox learned its lesson.
‘Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly’: SpaceX Starship explodes after test flight launch
Interestingly, ‘Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly’ is the literal translation for IKEA.
Jason Alexander left Twitter for Spoutable
For those who celebrate Festivus, it came early this year on Spoutable.
90 percent of Republicans think Trump’s being railroaded
The rest of the country wishes the railroad was Norfolk Southern!
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about ‘Don’t say gay’ rules, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/17/23

By Paul Lander, April 17, 2023April 17, 2023

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    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Halle Berry posing nude on her balcony, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_107101" align="aligncenter" width="750"] Halle Berry enjoying some sun on her balcony.[/caption]
Halle Berry poses nude while drinking wine on her balcony
Putin: "Damn, all I can see from my porch is Sarah Palin’s house…"
Moody's has downgraded the Israeli credit rating from positive to stable
Moody’s should change its name from Moody’s to Meshugana.
Train derails in Montana spilling Coors into a river
The fish won’t be able to tell the difference.
Joe Biden in Ireland: President says Mayo is 'part of my soul'
Although, for his health, he might want to lay off having it with too many carbs.
Kim Kardashian will star in ‘American Horror Story’
Ironically, which was also the original name of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
Florida has been covered by an enormous, smelly, red wave
... and there's the seaweed thing, too.
Pete Davidson to guest host SNL
Which means, afterwards, he’s going to take advantage of himself.
Belgium remains the cocaine capital of Europe
Why do you think those waffles are so addictive!?
Happy 76th birthday David Letterman
That’s 532 in Stupid Pet Trick years!
Pandemic pounds push 10,000 U.S. Army soldiers into obesity
Or, as the extra pounds are known ‘The COVID 19.’
Sea levels rising rapidly in southern U.S., study finds
Trump on danger to Mar-a-Lago: "So, what? I’m used to having my businesses underwater.”
Delta loses $363 million but says travel demand still strong
It’s probably with my luggage!
Lobsterman reels in strange metallic catch, Maine police say
Little known fact: Lobsterman’s kryptonite is hot butter sauce.
Matt Taibbi, after fight with Elon Musk, is now on Truth Social
… Guess he wanted some time alone …
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about Halle Berry posing nude on her balcony, doesn’t need to be complicated … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/11/23

By Paul Lander, April 11, 2023

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    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about NBA players being allowed to smoke weed, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_107027" align="aligncenter" width="750"] These hot dog eating contestants wish the rules were as slack as they are for NBA players.[/caption]
NBA players now allowed to smoke weed without being penalized, according to tentative labor agreement
Although, it’s still considered a performance enhancing drug for Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest.
DeSantis said he wouldn’t help extradite Trump to NY
He’d probably just have him dropped off at Martha’s Vineyard first.
McDonald's temporarily shuts US offices, prepares layoff notices
... The notice begins, 'You deserve a break today ... and, everyday ...'
Starlink satellites are falling out of orbit
So, we don’t need a wall, we need a roof…. And Biden needs to make Mars pay for it!
Bud Light faces boycott over Dylan Mulvaney partnership
If people are worried about a beer making someone wanting to be trans, they must really avoid Heineken.
Rupert Murdoch calls off engagement to Ann Lesley Smith
They also canceled their registry at ‘Hospital Bed, Walk In Bath, and Beyond Belief!’
Alec Baldwin and wife Hilaria pose with all 7 kids in chaotic birthday photo
This is a guy who doesn’t know the meaning of the term ‘shooting blanks.’
The James Webb Telescope just took a truly incredible photo of Uranus
Now that’s a high-tech colonoscopy.
Kamala Harris's staff revolt over quality of food on Air Force Two
Which is why they call it ‘Air Force Number 2.’
Man charged with extorting karaoke bars, hostesses in Koreatown
Look for his album ‘Songs in the Key of 21 to Life.”
Florida covered by an enormous, smelly, red wave
... and there's that sea weed thing, too.
Humans to achieve immortality in 8 YEARS, says former Google engineer
Must be true, I Googled it.
What is the healthiest nut?
Used to think it was Richard Simmons … now, not so sure.
Asa Hutchinson announces presidential bid, says Trump should withdraw from race
… no word if that also included Caucasian and human …
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about NBA players being allowed to smoke weed, doesn’t need to be complicated … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/4/23

By Paul Lander, April 4, 2023

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    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the Gwyneth Paltrow's 'Skigate' trial, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_106957" align="aligncenter" width="750"] Gwyneth Paltrow at 'Skigate' trial.[/caption]
The Judge 'baffled' by Gwyneth Paltrow's request to dish out treats at 'skigate' trial
And, why she named her kid Apple …
It'll cost DeSantis' handpicked board at least $1,300 per hour to hire a team of lawyers to investigate how Disney outmaneuvered them
So … parking, one entry ticket, and Mouse ears sans name embroidery.
Play ball! It’s opening day for Major League Baseball
And, NYDA Alvin Bragg threw out the first indictment!
2,000-year-old artifacts unearthed by archaeologists in Pompeii.
See what they found
Uh, pics of Joe Biden on spring break from college.
Man eating McDonald's for 100 days is down nearly 30 Lbs.
… and 12 years in life expectancy.
David Pecker appears before Trump Grand Jury
For those wondering that’s David Pecker … no relation to Woody Wood …
Elon Musk values Twitter at $20 billion — less than half what he paid
Wow, Twitter’s value crashed like a Tesla on autopilot.
This NYC Judge was reportedly fired after his OnlyFans was discovered
That's one guy who sure likes to show up for work in a robe.
Wheel of Fortune contestant responds to controversial moment Pat Sajak put him in a head lock on air
Contestant: W _ _ T T_ _ F _ C _, P _ T!
Dalai Lama names US-born Mongolian boy as reincarnation of Buddhist leader
George Santos: I accept!
Snoop Dogg comes to his senses, puts Death Row records' catalog back on streaming services
At least we don’t have to ask: “What the hell was he smoking?”
Kim Kardashian looks amazing in unedited thong bikini pics
Welp, she did lose 180 lbs. of ass when she got rid of Kanye.
Meghan McCain tells Donald Trump to ‘grow up’ after he uses a clip of her father John McCain, in Campaign Ad
… she’s John McCain’s daughter? Who knew? …
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about the Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘Skigate’ trial, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/27/23

By Paul Lander, March 27, 2023March 27, 2023

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    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the Stormy Daniels drama, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_106923" align="aligncenter" width="731"] News: Melania still angry over the Stormy Daniels drama.[/caption]
Melania Trump remains 'angry' at Donald over Stormy Daniels drama
I really don’t care, do u?
Gwyneth Paltrow ski collision trial enters fourth day
Which is how long it felt sitting through ‘Shallow Hal.’
People express worry about AI
While, I’m still troubled by NS – Natural Stupidity.
Biden Tik Tok, Oil moves test the loyalty of younger voters
Which is just about everybody …
Americans now favor legal cannabis over legal tobacco
... although most of those people now forget which they favored.
22,000 people to the street for the L.A. Marathon
And, all this time, I thought the L.A. Marathon was sitting through Avatar 2.
Gisele Bündchen may have found a new man after Tom Brady split, and he’s a billionaire
Never thought Pete Davidson made that kinda money.
Sinema trashes Dems: ‘Old dudes eating Jell-O’
Chuck Grassley: They get Jell-O?
Mountain lion claws man’s head while he relaxes in hot tub
That’ll teach the guy for bugging a mountain lion while the lion’s in a hot tub.
Netflix nabs six Oscar wins, including ‘All Quiet on the Western Front’
Tucker Carlson will be presenting his version of all ‘Quiet on the Western Front’ questioning how violent could it be? It has the word ‘Quiet’ in the title.
Xi snubbed Putin after their suit
Oh, Crimea River!
Darcelle, world's oldest working drag queen, dies at 92
In lieu of flowers, please send feather boas.
Blockbuster website back up
Finally, I can find out how to return the VHS version of ‘Goonies.’
Florida Republican's bill would ban young girls from discussing their periods in school
… you miss enough periods and next thing you know Lamaze class …
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    [post_modified] => 2023-03-27 12:52:24
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about the Stormy Daniels drama, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/13/23

By Paul Lander, March 13, 2023

WP_Post Object
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    [ID] => 106768
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    [post_date] => 2023-03-13 13:24:19
    [post_date_gmt] => 2023-03-13 20:24:19
    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Norfolk Southern Railway derailments, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_106770" align="aligncenter" width="750"] Norfolk Southern CEO?[/caption]
NTSB to investigate Norfolk Southern Railway after multiple recent accidents
Geez, it’s like the Norfolk Southern CEO is Gomez Addams.
Kellyanne Conway, George Conway to divorce after decades long marriage
Don't even think about it, Pete Davidson.
Mormon Church fined by SEC for allegedly hiding $32 billion
… Looking forward to the Musical version "The Cooked Books of Mormon."
Biden approves emergency declaration for California after severe floods
It was raining so hard, I saw a squirrel in a Speedo back stroking down my street.
Prince Andrew ‘furious’ with King Charles over possible 'humiliating' ban, royal experts claim
Who knew Charles had that kind of power at who gets into Chuck E. Cheese?
Tucker Carlson, with new video provided by Speaker McCarthy, falsely depicts Jan. 6 riot as a peaceful gathering
Next, Tucker will report that WW 2 didn’t happen, proving it with footage of Nazi soldiers behaving like peaceful tourists taking photos of Eiffel Tower in ‘occupied’ Paris.
US Space Force Chief Andrew Cox “kept a silver case full of sex toys”
Look for him to get a job at Space XXX.
Tom Brady considering another comeback
… potential teams include the Dolphins, Cardinals, and AARP.
Alex Murdaugh trial: Detective explains key crime scene mystery after killer begins appeal
The big mystery was George Santos didn't confess.
Blinken claims China ‘strongly considering’ providing Russia with ‘lethal assistance’
No word yet from Wynken or Nod…
Exes Sean Penn and Robin Wright seen together for first time in years at Los Angeles Airport
If he’s seen with Madonna, does that mean his wifes are flashing in front of his eyes?
Kris Jenner opens up about marrying for a third time
Or, as it’s also known a casting change.
Reminder, Tulsi Gabbard voted ‘present’ in Impeachment against Trump
… As opposed to her usual dah or nyet!
    [post_title] => Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/13/23
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about Norfolk Southern Railway derailments, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/6/23

By Paul Lander, March 6, 2023March 5, 2023

WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 106692
    [post_author] => 1270
    [post_date] => 2023-03-06 06:45:38
    [post_date_gmt] => 2023-03-06 14:45:38
    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the Tubi streamer service, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_106694" align="aligncenter" width="750"] Fox CEO turns down offers for Tubi.[/caption]
Fox CEO Lachlan Murdoch reportedly turned down multiple offers over $2 billion to buy Tubi as streamer reports record users and ad revenue
So, I guess it was not Tubi…
DeSantis Disney appointee said tap water might be turning people gay
Really, I always thought that seemed more likely from sparkling water.
USA Today network, newspapers and distributor drop Dilbert
Dilbert did make the newspapers one more time … in the Obits.
Biden awards Medal of Honor to Black Vietnam War hero after paperwork 'lost' twice
George Santos: You're welcome.
Prince Andrew Is reportedly threatening to write a tell-all book unless his royal status is reinstated
Look for it to be called ‘Spare No One!’
Matthew McConaughey on Lufthansa flight that left 7 people hospitalized
Fortunately, in the end, everyone's going to be "Alright. Alright. Alright."
CPAC 2023: Marjorie Taylor Greene whips up boos for Ukraine's Zelensky
It seems CPAC’s now so pro-Russian that next year it’ll be called CCCPac.
Murdaugh guilty
Which makes him a convicted Murdaugher.
Disney’s new Tron ride: Lightcycle seats cause rider discomfort
Apparently, the ride is sponsored by Southwest Airlines ...
Yoko Ono turned 90
No word if she’s trying to break up AARP.
Report: Bill Cosby going back on tour
You can use your cell phones, while all drinks will be locked in pouches during show.
'Should you know if a trainee does your eye surgery?'
Good chance if you don't know before you're not going to be able to pick them out afterward.
Record snow falls in parts of Southern California
If ever Charlie Sheen was looking for a sign to relapse, this would be it.
A Florida man dies from brain eating amoeba
… In Florida … I’m surprised the amoeba didn’t die from starvation!
    [post_title] => Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/6/23
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    [post_modified] => 2023-03-05 11:53:26
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about the Tubi streamer service, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s … Read more

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

Disney pulls plug on billion dollar development in Florida

Bill to legalize recreational marijuana fails in Oklahoma as all 77 counties vote against

Marjorie Taylor Greene defends boyfriend dressing in drag

Biden tripped on stage at Air Force Academy

Tesla CEO Musk teases two new models

Planet's 2nd smartest human reveals ‘50 mind drugs and supplements’ he takes every day

Giant phallus-shaped iceberg floating in Conception Bay surprises residents of Dildo, Canada

Tara Reade, who accused Joe Biden of sexual assault, defects to Russia

Danny Masterson found guilty in retrial

After finding Chinese chips in Russian weapons, Ukraine confronted Beijing’s envoy

Kendall Jenner goes braless, wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen

Apple Stock is near a record high. what could get it there?

Texas teen arrested after taking assault rifle, handguns to school’

After calling Joe Biden senile, Republicans complain he outsmarted them

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

Halle Bailey 'honored' to play Ariel in 'Little Mermaid' remake

Trump CNN Town Hall described as train wreck

Costco offering $2,500 off Volvo EVs

Biden says not yet ready to invoke 14th Amendment to avoid debt default

Robert De Niro welcomes 7th child at age 79

McDonald's found liable for hot Chicken McNugget that burned girl

JLo’s mom ‘prayed for 20 years’ that her daughter and Ben Affleck would get back together

The jury has awarded E Jean Carroll $5M

Clarence Thomas kid’s tuition paid for while hearing cases involving Harlan Crow, the guy who paid it

Tucker Carlson got fired

Sleeping Hilton Hotel guest wakes up to manager sucking on his feet, Tennessee lawsuit says

An entire generation of Asian girls were named after Connie Chung

A scientist says he's solved the Bermuda Triangle, just like that

Substitute teacher, 72, arrested for masturbating in HS hallway

Case against serial liar George Santos slam dunk, legal experts say

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

Mysterious piles of pasta found in a New Jersey forest

Massive penis is mowed into lawn at King Charles Coronation party venue

Brad Pitt will be driving a real F1 car alongside the other 20 drivers starting at Silverstone

Biden cracked jokes at Correspondents’ Dinner

Ed Sheeran wins copyright-infringement lawsuit involving hit song “Thinking Out Loud” - ABC News

Fox News viewers aren't happy Brian Kilmeade is hosting Tucker Carlson's show tonight”

Michelin-star chef shocks fans with plan to add semen-based dish to his menu

RIP Harry Belafonte

Clouds above L.A., more showers in forecast

Kim Kardashian says she's lost 21 lbs. since before last Met Gala

LeBron James nails half-court, no-look shot in Lakers practice

The WHO says Covid 19 no longer global emergency

18,000 cows killed in fire at Texas ranch

US jobs report shows gain of 253K in April

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

So-called 'Don't Say Gay' rules expanded through 12th grade in Florida

Daily marijuana users are more likely to take this health hit, a new study finds

Nick Cannon claims he has 'super sperm' as women got pregnant despite practicing 'birth control'

A Delaware man admitted he drunkenly snapped the thumb off of a $4.5 million ancient Chinese statue and swiped it

Son ordered 3 failed hits on his mafia-linked father

Burger King is closing 27 more locations across the US

Garden State legend Bruce Springsteen is getting his own holiday in New Jersey

Mike Pence booed at the NRA gathering, even as he seeks to move to the right of Trump on guns

Jeff Bezos’ new $500MM mega-yacht didn’t have a helipad so he bought a support yacht

Take a tour of Michael Jordan's Chicago mansion that's been on the market for 10 years and see why he can't sell it

Fox News reaches $787-million settlement in Dominion defamation suit

‘Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly’: SpaceX Starship explodes after test flight launch

Jason Alexander left Twitter for Spoutable

90 percent of Republicans think Trump’s being railroaded

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

Halle Berry poses nude while drinking wine on her balcony

Moody's has downgraded the Israeli credit rating from positive to stable

Train derails in Montana spilling Coors into a river

Joe Biden in Ireland: President says Mayo is 'part of my soul'

Kim Kardashian will star in ‘American Horror Story’

Florida has been covered by an enormous, smelly, red wave

Pete Davidson to guest host SNL

Belgium remains the cocaine capital of Europe

Happy 76th birthday David Letterman

Pandemic pounds push 10,000 U.S. Army soldiers into obesity

Sea levels rising rapidly in southern U.S., study finds

Delta loses $363 million but says travel demand still strong

Lobsterman reels in strange metallic catch, Maine police say

Matt Taibbi, after fight with Elon Musk, is now on Truth Social

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

NBA players now allowed to smoke weed without being penalized, according to tentative labor agreement

DeSantis said he wouldn’t help extradite Trump to NY

McDonald's temporarily shuts US offices, prepares layoff notices