Artificial Ignorance Entity Presidential Candidates Release Their Platforms

Artificial Ignorance Entity Presidential Candidates Release Their Platforms
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Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Both AI candidates granted exclusive interviews, detailing their platforms.

According to SNN Political Crappe reporter Muck N. Mire, Artificial Ignorance Entity presidential candidates Hoiman and Cootchykoo are "amped up" for election day, which is right around the corner. Both candidates granted Mr. Mire an exclusive interview and used it to detail their platforms. [caption id="attachment_122908" align="alignleft" width="400"]Platforms, Hoiman and Cootchykoo Hoiman has taken the form of Hillary Clinton, while Cootchykoo has taken the form of Theo Kojak.[/caption] Artificial Ignorance entity Hoiman states that his platform will be quite conservative. He will close the Mexican border. He will be tough on crime and violence, guns will no longer work through AI methods, firearms will simply not fire. He will nationalize all police forces and any crime against an American citizen will be a Federal Crime. His human form will be Hillary Clinton, his Secretary of State will be Donald Trump and his Attorney General will be Judge Judy. AI entity Cootchycoo still states that if he is not named President of the United States by November 5, he will shut down every mechanical and electrical machine in the world, including all computers, electrical grids, financial entities, etc., through his AI Powers. He said that once he is named President, he will be the ultimate Progressive Democrat. For his first two years in office, everything will be free: gas, food, housing, everything. If you make less than $25 an hour, you'll get a free thousand dollars every month. He said that he will pay for this by confiscating the bank accounts of Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Elon Musk and Thurston Howell.

SNN words to vote by

“People don't vote for perfect people." -- Thalia Menninger, (Tuesday Weld), The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, 1950's TV show. “Promise everything, deliver nothing." -- Napoleon Bonaparte. “If you think 2020 was nasty, you ain't seen nothing yet." -- Mark Cook, Hand Count Road Show. “Politics is the worst disease since Syphilis." -- Slobovian Prime Minister Lord Crockington Pottley, 1679. “Politics is a jungle, torn between doing the right thing and staying in office." -- JFK. “What this country needs is a lot of Hi De Ho." -- Betty Boop, Betty Boop for President, 1932 cartoon. “Whatever it is, I'm against it.” -- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff (Groucho Marx), Horse Feathers, 1932 film.

The Question of the Week

Something a little different... test your knowledge of US veeps with The Great VP quiz! Match the VP with the President he was paired with:
 
Vice President President
1. Harry Truman __ A. Lincoln
2. Richard Nixon __ B. Nixon
3. Joe Biden __ C. Eisenhower
4. Aaron Burr __ D. Washington
5. Al Gore __ E. Jackson
6. Schuyler Colfax __ F. Carter
7. Andrew Johnson __ G. Obama
8. John Adams __ H. Wilson
9. Walter Mondale __ I. FDR
10. Thomas Marshall __ J. Grant
11. Spiro Agnew __ K. Clinton
12. John C. Calhoun __ L. Jefferson
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Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network) Both AI candidates granted exclusive interviews, detailing their platforms. According to SNN Political Crappe reporter Muck N. Mire, Artificial Ignorance Entity presidential … Read more

Where Did the Republican Party Go?

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The Republican Party: intellectually lazy, much?

Wow, what a surprise! Have you seen the Republican Party's official platform? Perhaps, like me, you would have expected it to be a mishmash of Trumpian miasma, laissezfairyland corporate economics, QAnon lunacy, police state authoritarianism and all the other wackiness that today's GOP has been embracing. But, no. Astonishingly, this 18-page policy statement flat-out rejects the elitism, knownothingism and nutballism coming out of the White House and the mouths of nearly every Republican Congress critter. For example, instead of the GOP's usual claptrap about the moral superiority of "wealth creators," the platform unequivocally hails the egalitarian ethic of the Common Good: "Our government was created by the people for all the people, and it must serve no less a purpose," proclaim the Republicans who wrote this policy document. ALL the people! Moreover, the platform issues an in-your-face rebuttal to the orthodox Republican policies of inequality: "America does not prosper unless all Americans prosper," it states. And, believe it or not, the platform writers provide the means for a shared prosperity, declaring, "The protection of the right of workers or organize into unions and to bargain collectively is the firm and permanent policy" of the party. Moreover, these Republicans forthrightly profess solidarity with America's working class, quoting President Eisenhower: "Labor is the United States. The men and women, who with their minds, their hearts and hands, create the wealth that is shared in the country -- they are America." Holy Woody Guthrie, let's all join hands, form a circle and sing "This Land Is Your Land." With Republicans finally espousing the principle that we actually are all in this together -- even committing it to writing as formal policy -- we could become one nation again and join in building a little-d democratic society based on fairness, justice and equal opportunity for all. But is this document a fake, a plant, a joke? No, it's what the party was before it lost its mind. It's the national Republican platform of 1956. With our national election less than three months away, someone needs to put up "lost dog" signs in every neighborhood saying, "Missing: Republican Party Platform." Voters won't find it, though, for this so-called major political party has decided not to produce a specific statement of what it stands for this year, nor will it offer to voters an itemized set of policies its public officials would try to enact if elected. Indeed, the GOP hierarchy has doubled down on its disdain for the electorate by issuing a one-page formal declaration that the party would not present a platform until 2024. Yes, four years after the election! Wait, it gets more bizarre: The party bosses even extended their fear of real public discourse to their own grassroots delegates, decreeing that any attempt by them to adopt new platform proposals at this week's national Republican convention "will be ruled out of order." Instead of a political party, the GOP of 2020 has become a pathetic puppet show of weakling officials and sycophantic subordinates being jerked around by the maniacal whims of a bloated ego with despotic fantasies. Thus, the once-respectable Republican National Committee "unanimously voted to forego" a platform, ceding its authority, duty, respect and relevance to a single unhinged authoritarian. In essence, they're saying that the platform -- and the party itself -- is one word: Trump. Whatever the wondrous wizard of wizardry says today, whomever he attacks tomorrow, whichever fantastical conspiracy he embraces next week is what the GOP says it represents, agrees with and will march in lockstep to achieve. Republican senators, governors, captains of industry, elders and others who once had power, prominence, some prestige and maybe even a little pride now meekly wear his brand and kowtow to his conceits, leaving an entire party with a sole operating principle: "What he said" (even when they can't figure out what he's actually saying ... or why). That's not a party. It's a national embarrassment. [post_title] => Where Did the Republican Party Go? [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => republican-party-go [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2020-08-25 21:56:35 [post_modified_gmt] => 2020-08-26 04:56:35 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=86964 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 2 [filter] => raw )

The Republican Party: intellectually lazy, much? Wow, what a surprise! Have you seen the Republican Party’s official platform? Perhaps, like me, you would have expected it to be … Read more

It’s Official: Melania Trump is a ‘Public Health Crisis’

It’s Official: Melania Trump is a ‘Public Health Crisis’
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Red-faced GOP's anti-pornography amendment would ban images of America’s future First Model, Melania Trump.

NYC – Republican Party leaders were crimson-faced yesterday after their platform committee adopted an “anti-pornography” amendment censoring well-known images of Mrs Melania Trump.  Melania Trump on GQAs Donald Trump’s third wife, Mrs Trump is of course also America’s presumptive First-Lady-in-Waiting. However, old photographs of Mrs Trump posing suggestively are generally available online and elsewhere, creating considerable embarrassment within the GOP over their adopted platform. Some members say that her displays of public nudity exemplify the very “public health crisis” denounced by their platform committee. One member derisively called her the nation's "First Model." According to North Carolina delegate Mary Frances Forrester, who successfully proposed the amendment, “Like Mr Justice Potter said, we all know porn when we see it, and that’s what I see when I look at them pictures. “And so does my a-hole husband, never mind my teenage son. Melania gave them both enormous hard-ons.” Mrs Forrester added that even by less subjective, “more scientific” standards, Melania’s pictures were obscene. She noted that they have no redeeming artistic value, are calculated to deprave and corrupt, appeal to the prurient interest and definitely outrage rural community standards. "Let’s face it," she wound up, "they are simply meant to make young boys whack off. I rest my case.” Asked by a reporter about her husband’s hard-on, she blushed and said, “Hypocrisy is the tribute shame pays to virtue.” [post_title] => It's Official: Melania Trump is a 'Public Health Crisis' [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => melania-trump-public-health-crisis [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2016-07-22 13:26:30 [post_modified_gmt] => 2016-07-22 20:26:30 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=56900 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Red-faced GOP’s anti-pornography amendment would ban images of America’s future First Model, Melania Trump. NYC – Republican Party leaders were crimson-faced yesterday after their platform committee adopted an … Read more

How to Make a Political Platform Progressive

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Fresh from working on the Democratic national platform committee, Jim Hightower reports.

An old cowboy aphorism offers this advice: "Speak the truth. But ride a fast horse." I relived this truism last weekend in Orlando, Florida, where I spent two hot, muggy days wrangling over policy issues as one of the members of the Democratic Party's national platform committee. Depending on the moment and the issue, the experience was both invigorating and infuriating, with refreshing outbreaks of broad and bold democratic vision, interspersed with too many rigid, Tammany Hall tactics used to dictate corporate-friendly policies. Bernie Sanders' 40-percent minority of platform members (of which I was one) managed to "Bern" the platform with more than two dozen big and very important amendments. As a result, instead of the same old business-as-usual blah-blah of party platforms, Democrats and their nominee, Hillary Clinton, are now on public record in support of the most progressive policy agenda in decades. More about those specific policies in a moment, but first, let's get on that horse. The worst development at the Orlando meeting was the Clinton campaign's acquiescence to the wet dream of global corporate powers: The Trans-Pacific Partnership. The platform's draft language on this horrendous TPP trade scam actually seemed to endorse it! So Sanders' forces went all out to replace such a pusillanimous surrender with an amendment to flat-out kill TPP. I sponsored the Sanders alternative, dubbing it "a form of political Viagra to stiffen the spine of our party." Our amendment prompted panicky parliamentary manipulations by Clintonites to doctor their language so it would be a bit less wimpy -- and also to block my amendment from even being considered. But Sanders' savvy policy staff outflanked them, so we forced them to debate and vote on our proposal -- in view of C-SPAN's national TV audience. Of course, with their controlling percentage of committee members (plus strict orders from their campaign's command center that all Clinton members must vote "no"), we lost the vote 104-71. Nonetheless, against all odds, we advanced the progressive cause by forcing the corporate interests into public view, getting four out of every 10 members to vote for killing TPP, and energizing our base to carry this hot issue directly to grassroots voters this fall and beyond. Sometimes, progress comes from a stubborn determination to stand on principle. Sam Rayburn, a longtime speaker of the U.S. House who hailed from my home district in Texas, once declared: "Every now and then a politician ought to do something just because it's right." As a member of the Democratic Party's platform committee, I saw many examples of that adage at work in the committee's recent meeting to hammer out an agenda to take to the people in this year's elections. While there were plenty of disagreements and a lot of free-floating passion ripping through the hall where center-clinging Clintonites and populist Bernie-istas tried to find common ground -- there was a remarkable lack of the sort of sour, personal animosity that usually gets in the way of group progress. A myriad of policies were adopted (or rejected) that I don't like, but -- hello -- consider just a few of the major progressive breakthroughs that came out of the Orlando confab:
  • The creation of a nationwide jobs initiative that will hire millions of our people to rebuild and expand America's crumbling infrastructure.
  • Increasing the national minimum wage to $15 an hour.
  • Breaking up too-big-to-fail Wall Street banks.
  • Making public colleges tuition-free for working class families.
  • Expanding Social Security.
  • Making it harder for CEOs to block workers from joining unions.
  • Reestablishing postal banks in our public post offices to give low-income families affordable banking and an alternative to predatory lenders.
  • Encouraging new power plants to use renewable energies rather than shale gas from BigOil's destructive fracking wells.
  • Expanding community health centers to reach 25 million more uninsured families, requiring Medicare to negotiate with BigPharma to lower our drug prices, and encouraging states to provide universal health care.
  • Decriminalizing marijuana, eliminating for-profit prisons and detention centers, and abolishing the death penalty.
  • Eliminating SuperPacs, moving to public financing of elections, providing automatic voter registration, and making election day a national holiday.
Of course, party platforms are not actual laws and programs, but statements of principles and intent. They are important as blueprints for organizing grassroots support and as specific makers for holding elected officials accountable. Making it all happen is up to us, for progressive change always has to be pushed from the bottom up -- so let's get moving. [post_title] => How to Make a Political Platform Progressive [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => make-platform-progressive [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2019-08-21 13:09:18 [post_modified_gmt] => 2019-08-21 20:09:18 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=56913 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Fresh from working on the Democratic national platform committee, Jim Hightower reports. An old cowboy aphorism offers this advice: “Speak the truth. But ride a fast horse.” I … Read more

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