Pope Francis - Humor Times

Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/19/24

By Paul Lander, November 19, 2024November 19, 2024

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The news, even that about John Krasinski being named Peoples 'Sexiest Man Alive,' doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_123619" align="aligncenter" width="750"] John Krasinski thinks it's kinda cool.[/caption]
John Krasinski named ‘People's Sexiest Man Alive’
While Keith Richards is named ‘Sexiest Man We Have No Idea Whether or Not He’s Alive.’
US overdose deaths are down, giving experts hope for an enduring decline
Although, in fairness, most haven’t watched the news lately.
Jennifer Lopez is reportedly 'trying something new' in order to heal after Ben Affleck divorce
Word is she’s spending time with the person in this world she loves the most … herself!
Trump picks Rep. Matt Gaetz to serve as Attorney General
Breaking: Octomom to head up Department of Labor.
Teens suffer first-degree burns while igniting homework in beach bonfire
Duh! They should’ve just let the dog eat it!
Conan O’Brien named to host Oscars
So, can’t wait to hear the monologue by Jay Leno …
Emperor penguin travels over 2,000 miles from Antarctica to Australia in possible first
… Good thing he looked all dressed up when he got there.
Who’s losing in the McDonald’s-Taco Bell breakfast battle?
Apparently … America's plumbing system.
Jake Paul beats Mike Tyson, 58, on points in drab contest
At this point wouldn’t it just be safer for him to be Ironing Mike?
Pope urges sympathy for failed love in divorce debate
Somebody's spending too much time "Keeping up with Kardashians."
‘There can only be one’: CNN hosts predict major falling out between Elon Musk and Donald Trump
And, y’know, on that day, Trump’s going to call Elon an African American.
Happy 60th B-day, Calista Flockhart
Congratulations on your age and weight now being the same.
Megan Fox expecting a baby with Machine Gun Kelly
Looks like someone wasn’t shooting blanks.
Megyn Kelly calls ‘Snow White’ star Rachel Zegler a ‘pig’ for wishing Trump voters ‘never know peace’
… Megyn should spell her name Karyn.
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about John Krasinski being named Peoples ‘Sexiest Man Alive,’ doesn’t need to be complicated … Read more

Hell on Earth

By JC Wade, June 14, 2024June 12, 2024

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After Pope Francis seemed to deny the existence of Hell on Earth, the author asked the Devil about it.

A few years ago, Pope Francis stunned the ecclesiastical world when he seemed to deny the existence of Hell or to imply that it had been abolished, as one newspaper headline put it. This seemed to follow his previous statements that God wanted to stress his mercy rather than the threat of punishment.

[caption id="attachment_120176" align="alignleft" width="400"]

Photo by 愚木混株 cdd20 on Unsplash.[/caption]

To many conservative Catholics the pope has become like your crazy Uncle Fred who you are afraid to take out in public because he no longer has a filter, and you don’t know what he is going to say next.

Not understanding what Pope Francis was talking about, I phoned Satan to find out what the hell was going on in Hell. Here is the transcript of our conversation:

Devil: Who the hell is this?

Me: Hi Prince of Darkness. It’s me, JC. We spoke a few months ago.

Devil: What the devil do you want now?

Me: Well, the pope recently said that there was no such place as Hell or that it has been eliminated. Is this true?

Devil: FAKE NEWS. It’s here and it has been since the beginning of time. In fact, business is booming. The sinners just keep on coming. I was just planning on expanding all seven circles of Hell. They are all nearly at full capacity, especially the second circle where we store the souls of those indicted for overindulging in the fleshly pleasures. I had to move some of the fornicators into the first circle, Limbo, with the unbaptized. The original inhabitants are livid, as you can imagine.

But I recently had to cancel the expansion.

Me: Why is that?

Devil: God has decided that the operating expenses of the underworld are too high. The cost of heating this place is astronomical. Not to mention the fact that the price of brimstone has gone through the roof. Also, we are still trying to recover from the unexpected charges related to reheating the place after it froze over in 2016 when the Cubs won the World Series. We weren’t insured for what we thought was a once in 500-year event. I have to admit our finances are in a shambles. You just can’t find a good accountant in Hades. So, the Lord wants to restructure. He has asked me to cut back to only one or two circles. I tried to fight him on this, but I didn’t have a snowball’s chance. I think this is what the pope was referring to.

Me: That must be it.

Devil: With the reduction in the size of Hell and my operating budget, I will need to eliminate jobs. I’m going to have to let some of my demons go.

Me: I’m sorry. What will they do?

Devil: They will land on their feet. The goblins won’t have any trouble finding employment on Earth. They will make great auditors, lawyers, and politicians. The better ones will probably get scooped up by the IRS [Note the author of this article thinks highly of the IRS. His tax returns are accurate. No need to audit them].

Me: When you reduce your capacity, what are you going to do with those wretched souls that are currently in hell?

Devil: The worst ones like Hitler and Stalin will have to stay here and I’ll keep enough room for some who are on the road to perdition like Bill Belichick and the guy who directed Daddy’s Home 2.

Me: What about all the other tormented beings in the underworld?

Devil: Oh, they will still be tortured. But God thinks that in the future, thanks to global warming, Earth and Hell won’t be all that different so why not send their souls back to Earth. That will also eliminate the cost of shipping new souls to Hell and ferrying them across the river Styx.

Me: Will there be sufficient horror and torment on Earth?

Devil: It will be pretty bad. I’ll make sure of that. Besides managing what’s left of hell, I will continue to be responsible for the damned souls that will be transferred back to Earth. Due to global warming, it will be hot. Just imagine what future afternoon baseball games will be like in St. Louis in August, especially if I make them go into extra innings. And there will be more and more hurricanes, floods and wildfires, not to mention war, pestilence, higher tariffs and unaffordable medical care. Add to that the constant morning tweets from you know who and the return of the T.V. show Rosanne and voila, you have hell on earth.

Me: Wow, I guess you’re right.

Devil: In all fairness Earth won’t be as bad as hell. The pope was correct when he said that, in seeking righteous behavior, God wants to stress his mercy as opposed to the horrors of eternal damnation. Also, God is fearful of damning someone unjustly.

Me: Doesn’t God know who has been righteous?

Devil: Usually, but to be honest it’s getting harder to tell if someone should be on the virtuous list or the naughty list. There’s no magical sorting hat. Just think about the characters in the Harry Potter books. Harry and Hermione Granger were definitely good while Voldemort was without a doubt evil. But what about Severus Snape? He seemed evil in the beginning and then he was good. It can be confusing. And the Wicked Witch of the West was evil incarnate until we learned from the Broadway show Wicked that she was just misunderstood. There are a lot of people like Snape and the Witch who you are never too sure about. God doesn’t want eternal damnation to be too horrible in case he gets one wrong.

So, there you have it. The pope was mistaken. Hell does exist. It’s just being scaled back and will now only be for the truly evil among us. The rest of us will just have to put up with Hell on Earth for now and perhaps for eternity, unless we make it to the Good Place.

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After Pope Francis seemed to deny the existence of Hell on Earth, the author asked the Devil about it. A few years ago, Pope Francis stunned the ecclesiastical … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/26/23

By Paul Lander, December 27, 2023December 26, 2023

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The news, even that about priests blessing same-sex couples, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: 

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

[caption id="attachment_112376" align="aligncenter" width="755"] Pope okay with same-sex couples.[/caption]
Pope says Roman Catholic priests may bless same-sex couples
Well, it is the season to don your gay apparel.
Trump has extended Truth Social meltdown after Colorado Supreme Court bans him from ballot
While Heinz Ketchup stock goes through the roof. Coincidence? You decide.
Researchers may have found King Alfred's pelvis
Which, I assume, will improve his dance moves.
Biden pardons thousands with marijuana convictions
Too bad for Biden, by Election Day they’ll probably have forgotten.
Predatory hawks are trained to intimidate seagulls hanging around SoFi Stadium, particularly its six-acre artificial lake
… As opposed to Atlanta Hawks, who don’t scare anybody.
After spending billions, over 23 million people now own NTFs that are completely worthless
Elon Musk: Hold my Twitter.
6 signs your marriage will last a lifetime
Number one reason: you're not given long to live.
Laura Ingraham melts down over Biden ‘Nutcracker’ Christmas tap dancing video
I guess Ingraham thinks she’s an expert on the Nutcracker because she is a nut and a cracker.
Brad Pitt turns 60
He doesn't seem to age. If they did a movie about his sex life, it would be called 'Fifty Shades of Dorian Grey.'
‘Dog Eats 5 100 Dollar Bills’
Because of withholding taxes only poops out $375.56.
‘Dukes of Hazzard’ star John Schneider could face secret service probe for threat against President Biden
Apparently, Schneider doesn’t like President Biden. Can someone tell me what Starsky or Hutch thinks; so I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about that, either.
Chris Christie says he’s not dropping out of race for President
… But that he’ll shut down that bridge when the time comes.
Christmas shoppers safe from 600-pound alligator that was captured next to a mall in Florida
Sounds like a bunch of croc to me.
Orange tabby cat named Taters steals the show in first video sent by space laser from deep space
… Marjorie Taylor Greene says she knew all along Taters was Jewish …
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about priests blessing same-sex couples, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/11/22

By Paul Lander, January 11, 2022January 11, 2022

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    [post_content] => Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about COVID on a cruise ship, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:


Third Florida-based cruise ship has COVID outbreak
It’s like ‘Petri Dish’ is French for Cruise Ship.
2022 arrives with ice, snow, outages, and ‘bitterly cold’ temperatures
Personally, 2022 arrived with me trying to find a place that accepts checks, so I could get the year wrong. I’m old fashioned that way.
Man who targeted L.A. and O.C. Trader Joe's in string of robberies gets 21 years in prison
Although his sentence was marked down from 42 years, the amount of time he'd have gotten for robbing the same items at a Whole Foods.
Pres. Biden arrives aboard Air Force One to a snowy Joint Base Andrews
Look for OAN to claim it was staged with ‘Crisis Snowflakes.’
Aaron Rodgers trending on Twitter
With all that Ivermectin, I thought he got traded to the Colts or Broncos.
Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle are engaged
Their vows will include: “Do you, Kimberly, promise to not bear witness against …”
Kevin Smith ran into daughter Harley Quinn at 'the weed store’
Or, as it’s also known: ‘Bed, Bath and What Was That First Thing Again?’
Czech President appears inside a plexiglass box after testing positive for Covid to swear in new Prime Minister
Too bad the Czech Prez isn’t a mime … or that box would’ve been way cheaper.
Two Republicans showed up for 1/6 moment of silence
… Four, if you count Sinema and Mancin.
Discovery is coming in the Prince Andrew lawsuit — Including supposed proof he can’t sweat
Yeah, maybe, but there's still a lot about him that still stinks.
Pope calls couples who choose pets over having children ‘selfish’
Says childless man who lives with even older childless man.
Tucker Carlson: Getting COVID “does feminize people. No one ever says that but it’s true”
Wait... what... then take the Vaxx,.  According to Cardi B’s cousin’s mailman, it causes one to grow giant balls!
Chuck Schumer says he was targeted on January 6 when a Capitol rioter spotted him and said: "There's the big Jew. Let's get him"
No word if his attacker was zapped by a Jewish Laser Beam.
C-Span ranked Trump 41 on the list of Presidents, only Franklin Pierce, James Buchanan, and Andrew Johnson were lower
…  and, if anyone deserves a recount it's Pierce, Buchanan and Johnson …
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about COVID on a cruise ship, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/20/20

By Paul Lander, January 20, 2020July 22, 2022