Trump’s Plans to ‘Reshape America’

Trump’s Plans to ‘Reshape America’
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The ex-prez says he will "reshape America" with a "War on the impoverished" - "Every state should be like Texas," he says.

Anticipating victory in a presidential race which is statistically a dead heat, Republican candidate former President Donald J. Trump went on at length at a "press event" Saturday at Mar-a-Lago, vowing to reshape America in the image of Texas. As part of this effort, he said he also plans to change the legal landscape in regard to a seminal Supreme Court decision.

[caption id="attachment_122849" align="alignleft" width="400"]Reshape America like Texas Trump wants to "reshape America" like Texas, with their awesome "red" GDP. Graphic by Radom1967, CC BY-SA 4.0.[/caption]

"I like what (Arkansas Governor) Sarah Huckabee Sanders has accomplished in her state," began Trump," speaking at a McDonalds-catered lunch for a dozen journalists. "They have the absolute lowest TANF (Temporary Aid for Needy Families) rates in the nation, at $204 for a family of three -- that's one sex-addict, crack-using welfare queen and her two pickaninnies). Unfortunately, Arkansas expanded Medicaid, and that is sad. I salute my friend (Governor) Greg Abbott on what he has done in Texas. It takes a lot of guts to refuse $5 billion in free money each year," he remarked, referencing Texas's decision not to accept federal funds to expand Medicaid.

"I want to revisit a particularly unfortunate Supreme Court decision," said Trump. He cited Edwards v. California, the 1941 ruling which prohibits states from holding as criminally liable those persons who bring into the state people who are impoverished. "The poor should not be allowed to migrate to other localities," said Trump sternly. "They need to stay where they are, under mindful observation, so that they do not cause any mischief. The first thing you know, they'll try to vote!"

"Where the poor go," he rhapsodized in a sing-song voice, "trouble follows." When asked what other provisions he would make in regard to the poor, Trump said -- echoing his running mate, Sen. JD Vance (R. OH) -- that The chronically poor should be sterilized. It's all part of my keen new eugenics program," he boasted. For the disabled or other persons not able to withstand the trauma of a surgical procedure, Trump advocates for a "gold star" to be affixed to their apparel, or else receive an identifiable tattoo.

And back to Texas: "A family of three miserable derelicts receive $768 in SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) funds per month. This is a disgrace. Generic Cheerios and no-name potato chips are not that expensive. I believe this figure should be pared back by half. Of course," he went on, "it might be different if the family dined daily on Trump Steaks! Fortunately, people of employable age (18-52) are limited to three months benefits in any three-year period), This is good reasoning by Governor Abbott; if the poor are well-fed, they'll only want to reproduce.

"Texas has a budget of $233 billion this year; that means that my buddy Elon Musk could totally fund the state out of his own wallet." Trump smiled into the bright sunshine. "God, I love being rich! The Texas budget addresses all the important aspects of running a state. For example, $1.6 billion is provided as a slush fund for the Governor: no accountability; I love it. And $1.4 billion to harden public schools against shooters. And the Texas Department of Education is working in tandem with the NRA to offer marksmanship courses to male students as young as six years.

"Also, regarding Medicaid, as Gov. Abbott has said, 'The best way to get insurance is through an employer.' " When a reporter remarked that fully one half of Texas jobs offer no health insurance, Trump snorted and said, "You're talking about the poor again. Get over it, okay?"

"I am proud to say," said Trump, that in the 12 states which reject Obamacare Medicaid expansion, some 2 million people have fallen into a coverage gap. Of that number, fully one third live in Texas. I'm a bootstraps kind of guy," he boasted, "and Texas has not let me down. A family of three who earn more than $4,000 a year are ineligible for insurance! I have," said Trump, my own ideas on a War on Poverty!"

As the question/answer session began to wind down, a reporter asked what was new in Texas's anti-migrant program. "Ooh," said Trump excitedly, "Abbott has requested, and I have agreed to provide, military-grade anti-personnel devices suitable for implantation along the Rio Grande River. As you know," concluded Trump, Mexico and other shithole countries have shipped more than 70 million refugees from prisons, jails and insane asylums to our pristine shores." Trump rubbed his orange hands vigorously together. "I can't wait for Day One," he said.

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The ex-prez says he will “reshape America” with a “War on the impoverished” – “Every state should be like Texas,” he says. Anticipating victory in a presidential race … Read more

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Assails VP Harris for Her Lack of Humility

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Assails VP Harris for Her Lack of Humility
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"Harris has nothing to keep her humble," says Governor Sanders, "unlike me, with a face like Mrs. Potato Head."

Addressing the student body at Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas on Friday, Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders told those assembled that "(Kuh - MOLL - Uh) Harris has nothing to keep her humble."

[caption id="attachment_122555" align="alignleft" width="400"]Humble Sanders The ever-humble Sanders. Photo: U.S. Federal Government, Public Domain.[/caption]

Sanders was at CHS to dedicate the Orval Faubus Memorial Whites-Only Library, in recognition of the former governor's efforts to combat the "Treachery of hyphenated-Americans."

"Harris has no biological children," cried Sanders, knotting her hands into angry fists. "Therefore, she's got nothing to keep her humble. I, on the other hand, with a body like Gumby's and a face like Mrs. Potato Head's and an IQ of 60, have plenty to keep me humble." (The audience cheered).

"Jus' lookit (Kuh - MOLL - Uh)," Sanders went on. "She's beautiful and sexy and smart and successful... I hate her! And you should too! (The audience applauded politely).

"An' you see who's supporting her, right? Democrats! Negroes! The Taliban!" (Jeers, catcalls). "She sleeps with a Jew!" (Angry rumble from the audience). "Billie Eilish! You know she's sleeping with her perv brother! And Taylor Swift, who runs around the country, unladylike, travelling with 20 cats..."

"An' where is Harris today? Even as we speak, she is in Springfield, Ohio, guest of honor at a cat dinner sponsored by a Haitian terrorist organization! We jus' got about 40 days till this here fraudulent election. Git' out there, people, an' send a dollar to President Trump. Buy some gold tennis shoes and a Trump mugshot tee-shirt. And for God's sake, buy another gun!"


Related News: Governor Sanders was also present to announce her signing of HB 121, which resets work rules for youth employment in Arkansas. According to a Sanders spokesperson, children as young as 7 years will now be eligible to work with sharp knives and power saws in the many slaughterhouses throughout the state. "Many of these children will never even graduate from grade school," commented Aaron Turd, Arkansas Secretary of Labor, "and so they might as well get their feet wet with work at an early age. This ain't no welfare state," he added.

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“Harris has nothing to keep her humble,” says Governor Sanders, “unlike me, with a face like Mrs. Potato Head.” Addressing the student body at Central High School in … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/23/24

Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/23/24
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about RFJ Jr and Oliva Nuzzi, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: [caption id="attachment_122541" align="aligncenter" width="750"]JFK Jr and Oliva Nuzzi JFK Jr, Cheryl Hines and Oliva Nuzzi.[/caption]

RFK Jr boasted over ‘nude pics’ of NY Magazine reporter, Oliva Nuzzi, as her former fiancé reveals they have parted ways

His spouse Cheryl Hines' next show should be called "Throw Him to Curb."

Rabbi, Muslim leader to join Pope on trip

I can't be only one hoping at some point they walk into a bar.

Sean Combs arrested

So, looks like it’ll be up to a jury to decide: Diddy or Diddyn’t he?

Republicans continue to endorse Kamala

So, Trump now knows what it’s like when someone leaves you for a younger woman.

NFL Football analyst Mel Kipper believes two-high safeties "should be outlawed”

I thought the NFL already banned being that …

Study: People hate happy couples on Facebook

… Not as much as I hate them out in public.

Scientists may have been exposed to Anthrax in labs

Hey, it's not as cruel as exposing them to Techno Pop.

New Hampshire Governor race has record spending

Making it the "Not Being Taken For Granite State."

Florida teacher uses legs to put 3-year-old in headlock during story time, deputies say

In fairness, it was all tied up in a best of two-out-of-three match.

The moon is 100 million years younger than thought

So, I guess it doesn't look so good for its age after all.

Trump ally Laura Loomer’s racist comments draw rebuke from Marjorie Taylor Greene

This is like Jeffrey Dahmer complaining about the menu at a Donner family reunion.

Arizona man blows Lego dot out of nose after 26 years: 'I can breathe now’

I feel bad for the person who immediately stepped on it and hurt their foot.

US nuclear regulator has not gotten application for Three Mile Island restart

Maybe, they’re having a melt-down ...

Sarah Huckabee Sanders is mad at Kamala for not having biological kids

… While the rest of us are mad at Mike Huckabee for having them ... [post_title] => Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/23/24 [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => ripping-headlines-today-09-23-24-oliva-nuzzi [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2024-09-23 12:22:00 [post_modified_gmt] => 2024-09-23 19:22:00 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=122535 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about RFJ Jr and Oliva Nuzzi, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; … Read more

Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Child Labor

Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Child Labor
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Her new child labor law is a speedy response to FDR's New Deal-era Fair Labor Standards Act, says Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders met with reporters for a scheduled press conference following recent passage of the Youth Hiring Act of 2023, or House Bill 1410. Through this legislation, laws were changed that previously required signed parental consent or age verification for the employment of children under 16 years of age. [caption id="attachment_107194" align="alignleft" width="400"]Sarah Huckabee Sanders Child Labor Sarah Huckabee Sanders wants to bring back "wholesome" scenes like this once again. Photo by unknown, 1900-1914. Public Domain. [/caption] Sanders stated that she was pleased with the approval of the legislation, which passed by overwhelming margins in both chambers of the Arkansas legislature. Instrumental in the passage of the new law were efforts of the Florida-based Foundation for Government Accountability. Nick Stehl, a spokesperson for the lobbying arm of that group -- the Organization Solutions Project -- remarked that increased employment had already resulted from his group’s efforts: 115 new lobbyists have been hired by OSP since 2016. He added that inserting government "into the conversation between parent and child" advantages no one and is "not within the province of elected assemblies." When questioned about FGA’s concomitant preoccupation with a state-by-state campaign to forestall access to anti-poverty programs and Medicaid expansion, Sanders rushed to Stehl’s defense, remarking that these efforts would save "beaucoup federal bucks," and “besides, they have an answer” to the plight of the newly disadvantaged families: “the employment of their children in the various slaughterhouses, factories, and sweatshops throughout the great state of Arkansas.” Sanders also pointed to child labor as a "convincing solution" to profitably employing the children of illegal immigrants. "I mean," she said, "you give a wetback a drumstick, you give him a meal; you hand him a butcher knife, you give him a career." Chick-fil-A, one of the state’s largest employers, recently posted newspaper ads recruiting "enthusiastic, hard-working people fourteen years of age and up." Sanders defended the recruitment of children, saying "not everyone was meant for school; I never attended school." She went on to add that her father, the former governor, "kept me chained to a stove until I started squiring out the kids." She’s none the worse for the experience, she said, adding that "I ain’t stupid, you know." Sanders went on to say that "when you reduce costs in the hierarchy of production, everyone profits: you get your chicken cheaper. It’s all good." Sanders said that recent similar legislation, passed by the Iowa Senate at 4:52 a.m. on March 17, is "a natural response" to the New Deal-era Fair Labor Standards Act shepherded through Congress by President Franklin D. Roosevelt. "That bastard!" said Sanders, gritting her teeth. The conditions then extant, explained another spokesperson for Governor Sanders, no longer exist today and instead "impose obsolete and arbitrary burdens" on "the employment nexus that is the child." When reminded that, during the Great Depression, children were often employed in mills at fifty or sixty cents per hour, Sanders got a look of longing on her face and murmured, "The good old days." She noted that unemployment across the nation is low, which makes it the perfect time to introduce new job opportunities into the economy. Said Stehl, "families like mine want more of the freedom that allows their children to flourish." Stehl said that he has several children in that 13–15-year-old age group himself. When asked what employment they held, he admitted that while they were not employed as yet, they were looking for just the right opportunity. Stehl, who makes seven hundred thousand dollars a year as a lobbyist, says that his kids will "almost inevitably wind up at a slaughterhouse," provided that they can locate one in Palm Beach. Adding children to the employment mix, according to Sanders, "could be a goldmine in the making. Children are a natural for the chicken industry,” she said, noting that "kids are more adaptable, they heal much faster than adults, and they take fewer breaks, as most of them don’t yet smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol." When asked what else was new in her state, Sanders lamented that the minimum wage had increased to eleven dollars per hour in January 2021. "I’ve proposed legislation to roll back the minimum to seven and a quarter," she said, "to keep it in compliance" with the federal standard. She spoke enviously of Texas and Kentucky, where wage rates remain fixed at the federal minimum. "Mitch McConnel and Greg Abbott may be a couple of pricks with how they treat President Trump, but they know what they’re doing as far as fiscal solvency is concerned,” she said. [post_title] => Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Child Labor [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => sarah-huckabee-sanders-child-labor [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2023-04-26 23:51:45 [post_modified_gmt] => 2023-04-27 06:51:45 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=107191 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Her new child labor law is a speedy response to FDR’s New Deal-era Fair Labor Standards Act, says Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders met with … Read more

Child Labor: Republicans’ Wet Dream

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders has become a star in the new Republican crusade to bring back child labor.

I have to concede one point: Today's far-right Republican party does not discriminate against women. In fact, the GOP is giving its female political buffoons a higher profile than its male bozos. Consider Sarah Huckabee Sanders, governor of Arkansas, who became a star in the new Republican crusade to bring back child labor abuse. Pushed by their corporate backers, GOP governors and lawmakers exclaim that the answer to America's so-called "labor shortage" is not to make jobs more attractive, but to fill them with cheap, compliant children. Huckabee Sanders rushed to the aid of these corporate powers, eliminating a bothersome Arkansas law that required Tyson, Walmart and other big employers to get a special state permit to put any child under 16 to work. "The meddling hand of big government creeping down from Washington, D.C.," she bellowed, "will be stopped cold... We will get the overregulating, micromanaging, bureaucratic tyrants off your backs." So, she is using the meddling hand of big state government to creep into the lives of vulnerable children. She is not alone. Ohio's Republican-controlled state government is moving to extend the number of hours bosses can make children work; Iowa wants to let 14-year-olds work in industrial freezers and laundries; and Republicans in Congress have shrunk the number of investigators and lawyers policing child labor abuse, so abusive corporate managers know there is little chance they'll be caught. Most damning, these corporate politicians value children so little that they've set the maximum fine for violating the workplace safety of minors at $15,138 per child. For multimillion-dollar conglomerates, that devaluation makes it much cheaper to endanger children than protect them. America should not even be talking about child safety rules in dangerous workplaces -- it's shameful to have any children working there.

One Idea for Actually Stopping Child Abuse

With new outrages erupting every day, I find some comfort in knowing that We the People have at least eliminated certain particularly ugly plutocratic abuses. Child labor, for example -- outlawed in 1938, right? Well, outlawed, yes; stopped, no. Recent reports reveal that thousands of children, ages 12 to 17, are toiling illegally at dangerous jobs, in manufacturing, construction, food processing, etc. To be clear, there's nothing wrong with teenagers working -- they help their families, gain experience or just earn a few bucks. Indeed, I worked part-time throughout my high school and college years, and while I did gripe some, overall, it was positive. So, this is not about children working -- it's about corporate child abuse, plain and simple. For example, last year Packers Sanitation Services was caught "employing oppressive child labor" in meatpacking plants to clean saws, head splitters and other butchering machines. In a typical incident, one 13-year-old was badly burned by the caustic cleaning chemicals they used during long night shifts -- which ran from 11 p.m. to at least 5 a.m.! Once caught, top executives of Packers Sanitation tried to sanitize their reputation by proclaiming they have "zero tolerance for any violation" of child labor laws. Oh? Ask that 13-year-old. These executives would be comical, except they're completely disgusting and morally repugnant. Yet, our worker protection laws are so weak that Packers' multiple violations, involving 102 children in this one case, resulted in a fine of... $1.5 million. That's not even peanuts for this nationwide giant, which is owned by Blackstone, trillion-dollar Wall Street hucksters run by well-manicured executives who pretend they know nothing about the children they endanger for profit. How about we make a few of the teenage children and grandchildren of Blackstone profiteers work some midnight shifts cleaning meat-cutting machinery? I'm guessing they would stop the abuse overnight. [post_title] => Child Labor: Republicans' Wet Dream [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => child-labor-republicans [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2023-04-04 15:07:28 [post_modified_gmt] => 2023-04-04 22:07:28 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=106980 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 2 [filter] => raw )

Sarah Huckabee Sanders has become a star in the new Republican crusade to bring back child labor. I have to concede one point: Today’s far-right Republican party does … Read more

Trump Desperately Calls in His Favors! Top 10

Trump Desperately Calls in His Favors! Top 10
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Trump calls in his favors

Finally 'all in,' Trump calls in his favors, as Justice Clarence Thomas is assigned to head the Mar-a-Lago classified documents legal fight!

Is asking the Supreme Court a favor to intervene with the stolen classified documents Trump's only delay, delay move left?  I say, there's 10 more desperate acts in his pocket! WARNING: Reading this list may cause nausea, dizziness or exasperation from 7 years watching this fool escape the law! DONALD TRUMP CALLS IN HIS FAVORS! 10.  To MARY L. TRUMP:  'Alright you win, blood isn't thicker than...can I sleep on your couch'?

Mary Trump

9.  To DR. RONNY JACKSON: 'Know a good Plastic Surgeon who won't laugh when I say... 'Brad Pitt'?

Trump calls in his favors

  8.  To STEPHEN MNUCHIN: 'Remember when I asked you to 'Put away some Petty Cash next to a fake mustache & gold tooth'?  'Oh, and buy a vowel, will ya'!

Trump calls in his favors

  7.  To HIS GRANDDAUGHTER: 'Where's your damn Piggy Bank ' & don't tell Mom'! 6.  To SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS: 'C'mon, I'll sleep with the kids - anything'!  'I...I...I make Pancakes'!

Trump calls in his favors

  5.  To LINDSEY GRAHAM: 'How many times have I let you carry my Golf Bag, huh?  So, is there really a secret tunnel in South Carolina'? 4.  To GENERALS John KELLY, James MATTIS, Michael FLYNN, H.R. McMASTER & Mark MILEY: 'Borrow your Medals?  Moscow's giving me a Parade!  Oh BTW, they love the Documents'!

Trump cartoon

  3.  To Son-in-Law JARED KUSHNER: 'Do you know how many years I Fasted for you on Yom Kippur while you went off to Barbados?  So, why can't I live in your basement & you drop down food in the Dumb Waiter'?   2.  To JIM JORDAN: 'Nah, you'd just screw it up'!

Trump calls in his favors

And #1 ...To BILL BARR: 'Just one more favor, Bill - I like Red Velvet Cake with my Hacksaw'! [gallery columns="2" size="full" ids="103750,103751"]   [post_title] => Trump Desperately Calls in His Favors! Top 10 [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => trump-calls-in-his-favors [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-10-06 12:25:55 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-10-06 19:25:55 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=103743 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Finally ‘all in,’ Trump calls in his favors, as Justice Clarence Thomas is assigned to head the Mar-a-Lago classified documents legal fight! Is asking the Supreme Court a … Read more

The (Satirical) Trump Overthrow Coup!

The (Satirical) Trump Overthrow Coup!
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Trump overthrow

The cooped-up American people have spoken & Mitch McConnell has responded! Listen in as he and his cohorts plan a Trump overthrow!

When our Savior, Dr. Anthony Fauci covered his face & wiped his brow in the White House Press Room - Mitch McConnell saw the writing on the wall...

...his Senators must take Trump to an undisclosed location & gag him - but how?

Gathered together in the bowels of the Capitol; sweaty women & men (well, not Jim Jordan) pitched ideas after Mitch finally prostrated himself.

With hat in hand, Mitch bellowed, 'We let Trump get away with more than we bargained for & now we must make amends - are you with me'?

JIM JORDAN - 'I don't know boss - he could be right, the Coronavirus could be caused by Windmills'! Trump overthrow STEVEN MNUCHIN - 'I'm confused - my wife wants to know if she'll still get the $1,000 Stimulus Check'! SUSAN COLLINS - 'Whatever you say, Mitch - I'll be over by the Potted Plant if you need me'! trump overthrow LISA MURKOWSKI - 'Susan's such a slouch - whereas I've read every Rally Speech & I'm still not sure we should do this'! KELLY LOEFFLER - 'Could you make this quick; I have the last flight to Tahiti in 10 minutes'! Trump overthrow RICHARD BURR - 'Damn, I was this close to getting on that flight to Tahiti'! JOHN KENNEDY - 'I'm torn because I'm on that Chloroquine anti-malaria drug for my arthritis & feel pretty good'! LINDSEY GRAHAM - 'I'll have more of an idea after my next 8 holes at Mar-a-Lago'! MIKE POMPEO - 'I'm on the fence with this - my Frequent Flyer Miles are just about to roll over to Platinum'! TED CRUZ - 'The way we do it in Texas is shoot first & ask questions later - let's go'! SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS - 'Where do I sign'? DEVIN NUNES - 'Let's creep up on him'! Trump overthrow WILLIAM BARR - 'Why not just get a new Immune guy'! KEVIN McCARTHY - 'Sorry Boss - I'll be coloring eggs for 'Trump's Virus-Finale Easter Parade'! Trump overthrow [post_title] => The (Satirical) Trump Overthrow Coup! [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => satirical-trump-overthrow-coup [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2020-03-25 19:42:11 [post_modified_gmt] => 2020-03-26 02:42:11 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=83113 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

The cooped-up American people have spoken & Mitch McConnell has responded! Listen in as he and his cohorts plan a Trump overthrow! When our Savior, Dr. Anthony Fauci … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/10/19

Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/10/19
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts: airports

President Trump said Revolutionary War troops ‘took over the airports' in his 4th of July speech

In fairness, Paul Revere did say: “One if by land, two if by sea, three if by direct flight from Heathrow to LaGuardia.”

US Women win World Cup 2-0

To translate that into American Football that would be 137-0.

Ten cities are reportedly waiting for the Trump campaign to pay $841,000 in rally bills

... get out that damn check book, right now, Mexico.

Spectacular fireworks display in D.C.

And, that was just over breakfast at Kellyanne and George Conway's place.

6.6 Earthquake rocks SoCal

Although the Russian judge only gave it a 4.3.

Happy 44th Birthday, 50 Cent

With inflation you should at least be 83 Cent.

Bill O’Reilly against reparations

He believes people need to make money the old-fashioned way... by suing him for sexual harassment.

All-time record heat wave hits Alaska

Damn, now we’re talking baked Alaska!

Honey Boo Boo is allegedly blocking Mama June from accessing her money

That would make Mama June ‘Money Sue Sue.’

Trump doesn’t think Roy Moore Jr. should run for Alabama Senate seat

… but probably would be ok with him running for Prom King.

E-cigarettes linked to higher risk of stroke, heart attack, diseased arteries and cancer

Yeah, but besides that ...?

Donald Trump Jr questioned Kamala Harris’s ethnicity

Unfortunately for him there’s no question about his heredity.

Chris Martin spotted kissing Dua Lipa backstage at music festival 2 weeks after Dakota Johnson split

Martin's going to have to change the name of his band to Cold Playa.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders planning to write book about her time in White House

She should call it ‘Catch Her in a Lie!’ [post_title] => Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/10/19 [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => ripping-the-headlines-today-07-10-19-airports [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-07-22 11:40:42 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-07-22 18:40:42 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=77562 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is … Read more

Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/4/19

Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/4/19
WP_Post Object
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    [ID] => 73811
    [post_author] => 1270
    [post_date] => 2019-02-04 13:10:17
    [post_date_gmt] => 2019-02-04 21:10:17
    [post_content] => 

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Super Bowl LIIISuper Bowl LIII: Patriots 13, Rams 3

‪The Rams played a totally politically correct game in Super Bowl LIII: They did nothing offensive whatsoever!

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Shultz tells '60 Minutes' he’s 'seriously thinking' about independent Presidential run

I can’t be only one thinking Shultz is suffering from ‘Delusions of Grande.’

A man consumed an entire bottle of ED medicine — and his symptoms weren't what you'd think

Although, they were hard to diagnose.

Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam yearbook page shows men in blackface and KKK robe

Let’s face it, when people are wondering if you’re the one in blackface or the hood, usually you’re not a Governor, you’re an extra in 'BlacKkKlansman!'

Trump to meet with Kim Jong-un in February

Unless he runs off first with an even Jonger-un.

Nearly 70,000 pounds of chicken nuggets recalled because there’s wood in them

Real news would be if there was any actual chicken in them.

Kim Kardashian got the bangs you've always wanted

...In fairness, she's also banged a few nobody wanted!

Peter Jackson’s going to direct Beatles Documentary

Hmmmm, can you say 'Lord of the Ringos?'

People aren’t tipping people they think are immigrants who serve them at restaurants

Damn, let's make people tip before they get served, so the staff knows whose food to screw with!

Mick Jagger's Ex, 23, was spotted at dinner with Clint Eastwood, 88

... someone has great, great, great granddaddy issues.

Apple Engineer accused of stealing autonomous car secrets

He would have gotten away with it if his getaway car didn’t leave before he got there!

Sarah Sanders: God wanted Trump to become president

Damn, you have to wonder what kinda compromising shit Putin had on God.

Gwyneth Paltrow is being sued for $3.1 million after alleged ‘hit-and-run ski crash’

No word if after the crash the two needed to be consciously uncoupled.

US added 300,000 jobs in January

... according to Roger Stone all of whom were FBI agents who raided his home and arrested him. [post_title] => Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/4/19 [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => ripping-headlines-today-02-04-19-super-bowl-liii [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2019-03-19 17:07:44 [post_modified_gmt] => 2019-03-20 00:07:44 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=73811 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is … Read more

After Xmas Gift Wish List

WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 73268
    [post_author] => 3
    [post_date] => 2019-01-08 14:47:15
    [post_date_gmt] => 2019-01-08 22:47:15
    [post_content] => 

It's the one year-ending list worth waiting for: Will Durst's After Xmas Gift Wish List!

Way past time to congratulate the baby Jesus on the anniversary of his birth, but especially for blessedly ending all those annoying unending ads for the Christmas sales, only to be replaced by all those annoying unending ads for the after-Christmas sales. A major difference being -- much fewer jingle bells on the soundtracks. It’s also a relief to have the traditional holiday music stuffed back into the poisonous mistletoe vault, meaning we’ll have to wait nine whole months to hear the same thirty songs sung by the same thirty dead white men. And Nat King Cole. As we throw the last shovel full of dirt on the most festive of seasons and kick the dried-out fir tree to the gutter, it is our self-imposed, public-service task here at Durstco to right the many wrongs perpetrated by the corpulent bearded cisgender male in the scarlet suit on his global flight. Apparently Santa had some holes in his bag and a few folks didn’t receive the gifts they so richly deserved. A little mistake we would like to rectify here with WILL DUR$T’$ AFTER XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T. At least the After-Christmas sales will make the purchasing of said items more bargainy. And by delaying another week or so, we could dovetail into President’s Day sales. What with the government shutdown, every penny saved is a penny earned. Earning a couple hundred or so could buy us a cup of coffee. Not a latte, but still. Presenting Will Durst's After Xmas Gift Wish List:
  • For Kellyanne Conway: a red, white and blue muzzle.
  • For General James Mattis: an all-expenses paid vacation to the relative calm of Damascus, Syria.
  • For Melania Trump: not a designer coat, but a new coat designer.
  • For Nancy Pelosi: a whip, a gun and a chair.
  • For Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III: a cold dish of revenge.
  • For Sarah Huckabee Sanders: a round-trip ticket on the clue train.
  • For Michael Cohen: a poster to hang in his cell that reads “What Happens in Jersey Stays in Jersey.”
  • For Mitt Romney: a cape and pair of tights to help him single-handedly save the Republican Party.
  • For Kamala Harris: some of Hillary Clinton’s excess testosterone.
  • For Donald Trump and Roseanne Barr: two pairs of those Chinese finger traps for their thumbs.
  • For Ivanka Trump: a fully furnished pied-a-terre in the Seychelles.
  • For Jared Kushner: the same kind of family reverence his father showed his uncle.
  • For Kanye West: a new hat.
  • For Brett Kavanaugh: Clarence Thomas’ primer on how to question Supreme Court litigants.
  • For Mike Pence: a strobe light, so at press conferences, he can at least give the appearance of movement.
  • For Elon Musk: A years’ supply of whatever medicine they give kids with Attention Deficit Disorder.
  • For Bernie Sanders: a series of bushes to lurk behind for the next two years.
  • For Rudy Giuliani: a case of mint-flavored shoelaces for the multiple occasions he puts his foot in his mouth.
  • For Joe Biden: a 55-gallon drum of patience.
  • For Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador: a wall to control our immigration.
  • For Rachel Maddow: a nice blue sweater.
  • For Ruth Bader Ginsburg: two six-foot spools of industrial strength bubble wrap.
  • And finally for the American People: total gridlock of the 116th Congress. No harm, no foul.
[post_title] => After Xmas Gift Wish List [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => after-xmas-gift-wish-list [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2019-01-08 15:50:21 [post_modified_gmt] => 2019-01-08 23:50:21 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=73268 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

It’s the one year-ending list worth waiting for: Will Durst’s After Xmas Gift Wish List! Way past time to congratulate the baby Jesus on the anniversary of his … Read more

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