Trump: ‘I Will Abolish the Democratic Party’

Trump: ‘I Will Abolish the Democratic Party’
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 122532
    [post_author] => 1411
    [post_date] => 2024-10-02 20:41:05
    [post_date_gmt] => 2024-10-03 03:41:05
    [post_content] => 

Declares he can abolish anything he wants, since the Supreme Court granted him absolute power.

Once he’s reinstalled in the White House, Donald Trump says he will abolish the Democratic Party in the United States.

[caption id="attachment_122685" align="alignleft" width="400"] Official White House photo by Pete Souza, Public Domain. [/caption]

Trump says on Day 1 of his presidency he will sign an Executive Order declaring the “Democrat Party null and void.” His justification for such an order, he said, is that the Democrats are the “enemy of the state and traitors.”

The former president said he will order the Justice Department to jail a number of prominent Democrats, including Hillary Clinton, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Tim Walz, and California Congressmen Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff. Even though they’re not Democrats, Trump said he’ll also put in jail Liz Cheney and her father, Dick Cheney, along with Mike Pence and Chris Christie for their “betrayal” of the Republican Party. Michael Cohen, Stormy Daniels, Taylor Swift, and Oprah Winfrey also will face jail time for giving him grief, said Trump.

“Before I get through with them, I’ll seek to have them all executed for disloyalty to the U.S. Constitution,” Trump pledged.

“Persons who declare themselves as belonging to the Democrat Party will be subject to a fine of up to one million dollars and a sentence of up to five years in jail,” said Trump.

He declared that the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that the President has legal authority and absolute power to take any official action he deems necessary to protect the United States from enemies, both foreign and domestic. As the “enemy within,” Trump said, the “Democrat Party will henceforth be forever banned as a political entity.”

Trump said “my legal people tell me I’m allowed to do whatever is necessary to protect the citizens of our great country. It’s about time someone had the guts to do what should have been done a long time ago. Like I’m telling women during my presidential campaign, I’m your protector. That extends to all real, patriotic all-American men too.”

The Democratic National Committee issued a statement of protest saying Trump has no constitutional right to issue such an executive order. Party leaders say they will file a lawsuit against Trump declaring his order illegal if he does go through with it. The Party will take the case, if necessary, all the way to the Supreme Court.

Trump sneered when he heard Democrats plan a lawsuit against him for his goal to get rid of them.

“Let those SOBs go ahead and sue me. Make my day. You think the judges I put on the Supreme Court would dare rule against me? I’m the President and that gives me the right to do anything I want. If the dirty rotten Democrats think they’re going to win their case, they’re crazy. Okay?”

Asked what specifically the Democrats did to deserve being banned, Trump, as his wont, didn’t directly answer the question. Instead, he said Democrats by definition are socialists and Marxists and responsible for turning the country into a “sewer” where illegal immigrants are taking all the jobs from “real Americans.” He also repeated his assertion that the illegals are eating pet dogs and cats, and now they’ve graduated to becoming cannibals, eating peoples’ raw flesh.

“I saw them say that on TV. That’s how I know it’s true about them eating people,” said Trump.

Trump said Democrats like Joe Biden, Kamala Harris and going back to former Presidents Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and Jimmy Carter are to blame for the country’s “open borders,” where “criminals and lunatics let out of jails and mental institutions are taking over our once beautiful country.”

That in itself, Trump maintained, “is grounds for charging the Democrat Party with treason.” If the Democrats continue to stay in power, added Trump, “we’ll end up with World III and it’ll be the end of America as we know it. We can’t let that happen. That’s why we have to outlaw the Democrat Party to save our country.”

Trump said Americans will be grateful to him for protecting them from the “horrors” of what the Democratic Party has done to them. Women especially will bow down to him in giving thanks that after he’s back in office, they will no longer have to worry about such things as abortion and sexual abuse.

That last statement is particularly ironic since Trump himself was found liable by a Manhattan jury in 2023 of sexually abusing and defaming writer E. Jean Carroll. She was awarded in that case $5 million in damages. Dozens of other women over the years have accused Trump of sexual assault.

Writing on social media, Trump said that “I will protect women at a level never seen before. They will finally be healthy, hopeful, safe and secure. Their lives will be happy, beautiful, and great again.”

Trump said that “everything will be peace and love under my leadership. I’ll protect us against any more Democrats trying to ruin our lives. Okay?”

Asked to comment on Trump’s assertion that he will be the country’s savior and protector, a Democratic Party spokesman responded with a contemptuous laugh. “It’s actually just the reverse,” he said.

“The truth is,” said the spokesman, “as is their inalienable right, the people of the United States of America need to be saved and protected from Donald Trump.”

[post_title] => Trump: 'I Will Abolish the Democratic Party' [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => trump-i-will-abolish-the-democratic-party [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2024-10-02 20:41:05 [post_modified_gmt] => 2024-10-03 03:41:05 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=122532 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 1 [filter] => raw )

Declares he can abolish anything he wants, since the Supreme Court granted him absolute power. Once he’s reinstalled in the White House, Donald Trump says he will abolish … Read more

Trump & Mark Robinson Love Fest in North Carolina

Trump & Mark Robinson Love Fest in North Carolina
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 122529
    [post_author] => 1417
    [post_date] => 2024-09-26 07:06:03
    [post_date_gmt] => 2024-09-26 14:06:03
    [post_content] => 

North Carolina Lt Gov Mark Robinson says "it's the Hebes who are fixated on the so-called Holocaust" that are no good.

Breaking recent precedent, Republican presidential nominee former President Donald J. Trump campaigned with embattled candidate for N. Caroline Governor, Lt. Governor Mark Robinson on Monday, in the small community of Wilkesboro, North Carolina.

[caption id="attachment_122597" align="alignleft" width="400"]North Carolina Lt Gov Mark Robinson North Carolina Lt Gov Mark Robinson. Photo: Anthony Crider, flickr.com, CC BY-NC 2.0.[/caption]

Robinson began by warmly alluding to the town of Wilkesboro, which he called "one of my favorite communities." He claimed the town was christened in honor of Lincoln assassin John Wilkes Booth, a "man for his time" who, like Robinson and Trump, "got rotten press."

The North Carolina Lt. Governor warmed up the boisterous crowd by shaking off criticism he's received over the past week, over sexist, racist, homophobic and anti-Semitic posts he allegedly made years before. "They don't wanna talk about today," he bellowed from a podium hastily erected in the parking lot of a local truck stop. "They wanna talked about what maybe happened fifteen years ago! And so what if it did happen?" he asked. "What're they gonna do to me? I'm free, white and 21!"

Robinson went on to claim that he was not anti-Semitic; "I support all the good Jews," he shouted over the blaring truck horns. "It's the bad Jews I ain't got no time for. The Hebes that are fixated on the so-called Holocaust -- which never happened -- and who run pawn shops and the lamestream news media."

The Lt. Governor then turned the mic over to the former president. Trump began his speech by addressing abortion: "Women will no longer be troubled about abortion. It'll be like voting; you won't even think about it anymore, once you get your mind right.

"The Supreme Court justices," he said, "were very brave. It takes a brave person to tell the Senate Confirmation Committee, under oath, that you won't vote to eliminate the right to abortion, and then go ahead and do it anyway." He lifted his chin and smiled smugly into the sun. "Anyone who criticizes the Supreme Court should go to the slammer!" he shrieked, and to the accompaniment of the crowd's "Sieg Heil!" salute, thrust his palm dramatically into the air.

Trump next touched on immigration. "They're coming over in caravans," cried Trump, "and they're robbing and raping and sodomizing girls and women." Here he licked his lips hungrily. "And most of these women and girls aren't even their type, so there's no excuse for it!"

"And," he went on in a sing-song cadence, "in poor beleaguered Springfield, Ohio, the vermin have literally taken over the town. They have even seized a local KFC and now sell 'Pet Pot Pies' and 'Collie Casseroles' and so forth. The extra-spicy cat croutons are pretty tasty, but I don't think I'd buy them..."

Also on the subject of immigration, Trump shouted that "A vote for (Kuh-MOLL-Uh) is a vote to allow 75 million more vicious, rat-like vermin to invade our failed nation. "They are already infesting and attacking defenseless towns in the Midwest! It's sad."

"Lemme tell you about Harris's so-called husband Doug Emhoff: I happen to know that they were never legally married and are in fact living in sin. I wanna see their marriage certificate!" demanded the ex-president hotly. Harris is actually married to Willie Brown!" he glanced to an aide. "Or is it Willy Horton? And Emhoff," added Trump, "is a crappy Jew."

As the crowd chanted "Jews will not replace us, Jews will not replace us, Jews will..." Trump said softly, "Yes, there are definitely fine people on both sides here..."

[post_title] => Trump & Mark Robinson Love Fest in North Carolina [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => trump-mark-robinson-north-carolina [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2024-09-25 22:12:09 [post_modified_gmt] => 2024-09-26 05:12:09 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=122529 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

North Carolina Lt Gov Mark Robinson says “it’s the Hebes who are fixated on the so-called Holocaust” that are no good. Breaking recent precedent, Republican presidential nominee former … Read more

Beverly Hillbillies File Lawsuit Against J.D. Vance: ‘He makes us look stupid’

Beverly Hillbillies File Lawsuit Against J.D. Vance: ‘He makes us look stupid’
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 121512
    [post_author] => 1427
    [post_date] => 2024-08-03 16:43:32
    [post_date_gmt] => 2024-08-03 23:43:32
    [post_content] => 

Jed Clampett of Beverly Hillbillies fame aims to set the record straight, saying hillbillies are much smarter than J.D. Vance.

Beverly Hillbillies Estate, Beverly Hills, CA -- Local oil tycoon and Ozark Mountain transplant Jed Clampett is not happy. The millionaire hillbilly believes that people of his kind are being mocked and misrepresented by vice-presidential candidate J.D. Vance, author of "Hillbilly Elegy." He aims to educate Americans about true hillbillies, and dispel some of the false narratives fomented by Vance. Beverly HillbilliesI met with Clampett and his lawyer by the see-ment pond on his spacious estate, where a pile of wood shavings grew at his feet as he whittled. "He couldn't be a hillbilly if his life depended on it," Clampett offered. "He don't have the proper schoolin'. If you come back to the hills with a fancy eastern diploma, you ain't likely to last long. How many chickens does he raise? When was the last time he had a plate of fresh possum stew? I betcha he uses some kind of frozen store-bought possum chitlins. No self-respecting hillbilly would ever!" Clampett has hired the law offices of Haney, Drucker, and Ziffle of Hooterville to litigate on his behalf, the same firm that represented Kate Bradley of the Shady Rest Hotel after she and her nieces were charged with operating a brothel. The charges were later reduced to three counts of "unauthorized nude bathing in a public water source." "The words and actions of Mr.Vance have created an environment that ultimately leads to violations of my clients First Amendment rights. Weekly harassment by the federal revenuers disrupting the production of Granny's 'medicine,' as well as heated conflicts with both the Hatfield and McCoy families has made Mr. Clampett's life a living hell," according to Arnold Ziffle. Clampett is seeking punitive damages in the amount of six quarts of molasses, thirty cords of firewood, and a quarter acre of "not-too-rocky bottomland good for cabbage." When asked about the exorbitant fee that has been rumored, Ziffle would only say, "This case is about a man's life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. Bringing up the five goats, five chickens, and two jugs of Granny's White Lightning Elixir simply belittles our constitution and our way of life." J.D. Vance is represented by Flatt & Scruggs of Nashville. "We'll pick'em apart," said a confident Earl Scruggs. "If we have to take it to the Supreme Court, that's fine. My understanding is that Justice Thomas is reasonably priced." [post_title] => Beverly Hillbillies File Lawsuit Against J.D. Vance: 'He makes us look stupid' [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => beverly-hillbillies-file-lawsuit [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2024-08-03 16:43:32 [post_modified_gmt] => 2024-08-03 23:43:32 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=121512 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 1 [filter] => raw )

Jed Clampett of Beverly Hillbillies fame aims to set the record straight, saying hillbillies are much smarter than J.D. Vance. Beverly Hillbillies Estate, Beverly Hills, CA — Local … Read more

A Radical Plan to Defeat a Radical Takeover Attempt

WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 121149
    [post_author] => 1279
    [post_date] => 2024-07-19 17:08:31
    [post_date_gmt] => 2024-07-20 00:08:31
    [post_content] => Dear America,

Recently, the Supreme Court issued a decision on a case involving former president Donald Trump that basically gives any president total immunity from criminal prosecution for virtually any action which he or she chooses. It was a travesty of a decision, made possible by the extreme right-wing judges Trump picked during his term. Legal scholars and lovers of democracy have roundly condemned it as a direct assault on democracy, and an enabling of the rise to power of an autocratic figure in the near future (could be Trump, could be someone else) who would assume dictatorial powers.

Now, ever since his poor debate performance, Democrats have been worrying about Joe Biden’s continuance in the election. However, they in fact now have a golden opportunity to rectify the situation while educating the population, helping citizens to understand our that democracy could be lost unless we take urgent action.

There is an ongoing cabal of people, which includes the extreme right-wing two-thirds of the Supreme Court, who have begun an open-ended attempt to establish a king as dictator in this country. But they made one huge mistake, if President Biden were to take advantage of it. After all, as long as he is president, he can now do basically anything he wants, free from fear of prosecution.

With these new powers, by taking the proper actions, Mr. Biden may be able to assure that, in fact, no dictator ever comes to power in the USA. The president has a golden opportunity: he can come out swinging to smash the onerous cabal which is intent on overturning the US Constitution.

Instead of worrying about Biden vs not Biden, the administration should work with President Biden to shock the nation out of its stupor, by coming out swinging against these traitors to the Constitution, thus saving our democracy for future generations. Since the Supreme Court has opened up this opportunity, Joe Biden as president should take the following actions:

Number One. President Biden should proclaim that each member of the Supreme Court who signed off on presidential immunity should be declared traitors to the Constitution and therefore traitors to the American people. They have reneged on their oath of office and are a danger to our democracy. The president, using his newfound "absolute immunity for official acts," should order their arrest, relieving them of their duties on the Supreme Court. He should then appoint their replacements without going through the usual Senate approval process, citing a national emergency.

Number Two. The president should have the FBI apprehend anyone who is involved in this attempt to create a dictatorship in the United States of America, including much of the Heritage Foundation.

Number Three. The president should relieve Judge Aileen Canon of her duties, citing the lawlessness of her recent decision to throw out the rock-solid documents case against Trump in Florida. He should retroactively restore the indictments, appoint a new judge to the case, and order that it proceed forthwith in an expedited manner, for the good of the country.

People, our government is under attack from within. We are faced with immediate need to protect our democracy. There is no time to waste in order to trounce these traitorous people and stop their attempts to overthrow and destroy our democracy and institute a dictatorship. Joe Biden, as our president, must show the population that he will not stand or allow any further moves toward dictatorship in our country. As he does this, he will be lauded as a hero and will make history as the person who defeated a treasonous plot to destroy our democracy. Democrats must rise to the occasion to support him in getting the message out to all Americans that we are not going to allow these traitors to be able to sow discord and disrupt our government for their own personal gain. Yes, the above will be seen as radical. But in times of great danger, bold action must be taken. We didn't start this fight, an extreme right-wing cabal bent on overthrowing democracy did. But as defenders of all this nation has fought and died for, we must finish it. Sincerely, John Thomas [post_title] => A Radical Plan to Defeat a Radical Takeover Attempt [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => radical-plan [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2024-07-19 17:08:31 [post_modified_gmt] => 2024-07-20 00:08:31 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=121149 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 2 [filter] => raw )

Dear America, Recently, the Supreme Court issued a decision on a case involving former president Donald Trump that basically gives any president total immunity from criminal prosecution for … Read more

Citing Supreme Court Ruling, Biden Owns Up to ‘Now Legal’ Assassination Attempt

Citing Supreme Court Ruling, Biden Owns Up to ‘Now Legal’ Assassination Attempt
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 121047
    [post_author] => 1417
    [post_date] => 2024-07-17 07:32:38
    [post_date_gmt] => 2024-07-17 14:32:38
    [post_content] => 

On "Meet the Press," Biden admits ordering an assassination attempt, and revealed more plans, saying "it's all okay by the Supreme Court."

Appearing on last Sunday's Meet the Press public affairs program, President Joe Biden admitted that he orchestrated the assassination attempt on former President Donald J. Trump which happened in Pennsylvania on Saturday. The hit, which was carried out by a member of SEAL Team 6, was ultimately unsuccessful but, revealed the 46th president, "we've not given up yet."

[caption id="attachment_121104" align="alignleft" width="400"]Biden assassination attempt Photo: Elvert Barnes, flickr.com, CC BY-SA 2.0.[/caption]

"No lie, man," said Biden. "This is not hyperbole. My dad used to say, 'Joey, if someone puts up an obstacle to your success, then just take it out.'"

Asked by host Kristin Welker if he thought such action was illegal, Biden whispered, "The Supreme Court says it's okay." He smiled. "The president," Biden went on, "can do freakin' anything! Alito said so! And," added Biden, "if any Supreme Court justice changes their mind, I'll just send the Secret Service or even the military to their place of residence and kick ass! It was their idea," he said defensively.

Biden said he is "Well pleased" with the expanded executive powers accorded the presidency by recent Supreme Court rulings. "From now on," he said, "The IRS will tax the wealthy at a rate of 50%; it's time those scoundrels pay their fair share," he said, warming to the topic.

Biden said he is immediately declaring internal combustion engines illegal and closing all filling stations, coal mines, refineries and natural gas sources. "We're putting a windmill on the front lawn of the Koch Brothers estate," he boasted.

Welker asked the president how he viewed the upcoming presidential race, noting that he trailed Trump in the polls. "Trump may defeat me at the ballot box," observed Biden, "but that doesn't mean I'll give up the White House. Jan. 6 is an auspicious blueprint for retaining power, and I aim to use it," he said, then mumbled something incoherent about Putin and Zelensky.

An aide rushed onstage and slapped Biden sharply across the cheek and Biden snapped out of it long enough to say, "And we're taking a tip from Project 2025," referencing the 900-page manifesto written by the conservative Heritage Foundation to govern a new Trump term. "We're closing down Fox News and Truth Social and Breitbart." Biden concluded, "We have to strike while the iron is hot! No joke!"

When asked what reaction he expected from MAGA world, Biden said, "There are a lot of SEAL teams in the Navy and a lot of guns in the armed forces in general." And he grinned. "C'mon man, I'm the president!"

Update on the Donald: According to senior campaign aide Kellyanne Conway, ex-President Trump underwent ear transplant surgery Sunday morning, to repair the damage suffered in the foiled assassination attempt on Saturday. Conway said Trump received a replacement lobe from Bippie, a female orangutan at the Smithsonian's National Zoo. Zoo Director Brandie Smith told Humor Times that the procedure "went off without a hitch" and that the president now enjoys 40% improved hearing in his right ear.

[post_title] => Citing Supreme Court Ruling, Biden Owns Up to 'Now Legal' Assassination Attempt [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => biden-assassination-attempt [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2024-07-16 22:45:59 [post_modified_gmt] => 2024-07-17 05:45:59 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=121047 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 2 [filter] => raw )

On “Meet the Press,” Biden admits ordering an assassination attempt, and revealed more plans, saying “it’s all okay by the Supreme Court.” Appearing on last Sunday’s Meet the … Read more

Rulings of the Supreme Cult

Rulings of the Supreme Cult
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 120753
    [post_author] => 1349
    [post_date] => 2024-07-02 07:05:05
    [post_date_gmt] => 2024-07-02 14:05:05
    [post_content] => 

Supreme Cult

Top 10 Supreme Cult (er... Court) Satirical Rulings (and Announcements) since... well, since they granted Trump immunity for official acts!

10. Whoever drove in today in an electric car - move it or sell it or Trump won't let us go to his "red, white & red" Mar-a-Lago cookout! 9. Whoever's been playing "Baby Love" by the Supremes in the cloak room at friggin' 9 am has to stop or we'll have to learn how to dance!

Supremes

8. Whoever doesn't wear any pants under his robe... well, has balls! 7. Whoever's been boasting: 'I was grandfathered in' this club - never was a grandfather! 6. Whoever has 'the hots' for Melania - snap out of it! She has her eyes on Canada's Justin Trudeau! Haha

Supreme Cult

5. Whoever's been flying flags upside down in their office has to tell us the meaning or we'll all bring one in! 4. A beer keg is rolling around in room 330 & the noise is scaring our dobermans! Judge Kavenaugh please investigate! 3. 'Caribbean water patrol' just found Ginny Thomas' bikini top! Clarence - pick up if you know what's good for you! Sorry, too big for cubby - you'll have to describe it!

Supreme Cult

2. Oh, Clarence - whoever lies about being sick on a Monday - has to prove he didn't go to the beach! And the #1 Supreme Cult ruling: What we don't do for the Democrats! Now we have to have our eyes examined! Three of our judges insist we see an optometrist about January 6th! Do the best you can! [caption id="attachment_120761" align="aligncenter" width="328"]eye chart A bathroom eye chart[/caption] [post_title] => Rulings of the Supreme Cult [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => rulings-of-the-supreme-cult [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2024-07-02 00:03:04 [post_modified_gmt] => 2024-07-02 07:03:04 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=120753 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 3 [filter] => raw )

Top 10 Supreme Cult (er… Court) Satirical Rulings (and Announcements) since… well, since they granted Trump immunity for official acts! 10. Whoever drove in today in an electric … Read more

SCOTUS Resurrects Bump Stocks

SCOTUS Resurrects Bump Stocks
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 120133
    [post_author] => 1417
    [post_date] => 2024-06-29 16:10:42
    [post_date_gmt] => 2024-06-29 23:10:42
    [post_content] => 

"Lumpy" Thomas comes through for gun lovers by voting to legalize bump stocks.

In a departure for the Supreme Court, justices met with members of the press at a D.C. IHOP following the announcement of the recent 6-3 ruling which legalized bump stocks. The meeting, said Chief Justice John Roberts, digging into a short stack, was part of "the new transparency" being effected by the high court. Justices Sotomayor, Kagen and Brown did not attend. According to Justice Clarence Thomas, "It's their time of the month," and he chuckled softly.

bump stocks animationA bump stock, a device whereby a semi-automatic weapon functions as a machinegun, was ruled illegal in 2017 in a surprising Trump-era regulation. The law came about as a result of a mass shooting in Las Vegas, Nevada earlier that year, in which dozens of persons were slain. Alt-right media figure Alex Jones has speculated that the 58 badly mutilated corpses "were only acting."

In his majority opinion, Thomas wrote that a semi-automatic weapon fitted with a bump stock does not meet the technical definition of a "machinegun."

Wrote Justice Sonia Sotomayor in her dissent: "When I see a bird that walks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck." At the press conference, Thomas remarked that "Sotomayor can duck off!"

When contacted at home about Thomas's remarks, Justice Sotomayor said simply that "I disagree strongly with Lumpy!" (Thomas is known familiarly amongst his SCOTUS colleagues as "Lumpy" after the late Frank Bank character Clarence Lumpy Rutherford, who appeared in the vintage "Leave it to Beaver" sitcom in the 1960s. According to Thomas's wife Ginni, the appellation is one of affection.

The lawsuit was brought by Texas-based gun owner Michael Cargill, a licensed firearms dealer. Bump stocks use the recoil energy of a trigger pull to enable the user to fire up to hundreds of rounds with what the federal government calls “a single motion.” Cargill’s lawyers say it is a difficult skill to master. But, says Cargill, he's "willing to put in the effort."

Justice Thomas exited the lunch/press conference early, citing a previous appointment with billionaire sugar daddy Harlan Crow. The long-time friends had a date to tour Walmart parking lots in the Georgetown area.

[post_title] => SCOTUS Resurrects Bump Stocks [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => scotus-resurrects-bump-stocks [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2024-06-29 16:12:08 [post_modified_gmt] => 2024-06-29 23:12:08 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=120133 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )

“Lumpy” Thomas comes through for gun lovers by voting to legalize bump stocks. In a departure for the Supreme Court, justices met with members of the press at … Read more

Justice Alito & Wife’s Flagging Relationship Waves On!

Justice Alito & Wife’s Flagging Relationship Waves On!
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 120138
    [post_author] => 1349
    [post_date] => 2024-06-13 07:34:22
    [post_date_gmt] => 2024-06-13 14:34:22
    [post_content] => flagging relationship

STARS & STRIPES, whatever!  Judge Alito gets all his romantic & domestic relationship cues from his wife's hanging flags!

No one really knows what goes on in a marriage relationship except the husband & wife, so it's a surprise to hear that this Supreme Court Justice receives all his romantic & domestic cues from the flags his wife flies up the family flagpole! That's right, Mrs. Alito actually communicates with her husband by messaging with the flag of the day & their neighbors say it's better than Netflix! So far it's been a banner year for Martha-Ann, who seems to call the shots in her household & says she has lots more flags to fly! Here's just a few of her most recent!

flag

'I'm going bowling with the girls - Marie Callender's in the fridge'!

flag

'Baby, I totaled the car - pick me up at Stan's Garage'!

relationship

'Rumba Lessons 6 PM tonight - buy shoes by 5:45'!

mustache

'And shave that damn mustache off - my lips are bleeding'!

[caption id="attachment_120146" align="aligncenter" width="400"]relationship 'Sorry Sam, tonight's 'Popeye's Poker Night' - find something to do'! ^^Oh, just a warning - don't walk her while she's winning![/caption]

flag

'Damn it, Sam - that's what Coasters are for!  We can't have anything nice'!

flag

'I don't feel like talking to you today'!

relationship flag

'You know, for a Judge, you're not decisive'!

semaphore

'NOT TONIGHT...I HAVE A HEADACHE/NOT TONIGHT...I FEEL FAT'!

flag

And...'Our 'Menage a trois' is this Monday - be there or be square'! [post_title] => Justice Alito & Wife's Flagging Relationship Waves On! [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => justice-alito-wife-flagging-relationship [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2024-06-12 22:43:35 [post_modified_gmt] => 2024-06-13 05:43:35 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=120138 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 4 [filter] => raw )

STARS & STRIPES, whatever!  Judge Alito gets all his romantic & domestic relationship cues from his wife’s hanging flags! No one really knows what goes on in a … Read more

This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Knucklehead-Ache

This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Knucklehead-Ache
WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 120015
    [post_author] => 1379
    [post_date] => 2024-06-13 06:58:02
    [post_date_gmt] => 2024-06-13 13:58:02
    [post_content] => 

Donald Trump is the world's biggest knucklehead-ache.

Trump whines about election-riggers, but has no problem with oil-riggers. [caption id="attachment_120016" align="alignleft" width="327"]knucklehead Donald Trump: world's biggest knucklehead-ache.[/caption] The polls suggest Trump is leading, but they're not even a NATO member! In a game for all the marbles, Trump has clearly lost his. Trump engages in idol speculation. A fool has no use for intelligence services. MAGA is sociopathetic. They're out to get me has morphed into a really deep statement. Book Bannon, cook Cannon. Surprise, surprise! Ingesting raw  meat from domesticated pigs causes brain worms. Republican word of the weak: Spineless. Too many punks misunderstand their ground. After deep reflection upon your projection we offer rejection for everyone's protection. Gravy trains always rail against investigations. The Sue-Prima-Donna Court, like the billion-dollar corporations it represents, only believes in selfish-regulation. Never trust the gluttonous pigs that bring home the most bacon. Clarence Thomas isn't really black, but his heart is. Alito's flag waves in the trees, son. Not well-educated? You can still have class. It's completely unknown why I'm not famous. [post_title] => This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Knucklehead-Ache [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => aphorisms-knucklehead-ache [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2024-06-14 23:17:30 [post_modified_gmt] => 2024-06-15 06:17:30 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=120015 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 3 [filter] => raw )

Donald Trump is the world’s biggest knucklehead-ache. Trump whines about election-riggers, but has no problem with oil-riggers. The polls suggest Trump is leading, but they’re not even a … Read more

There’s the Good, the Bad and the Ugly … and Then There’s Sam Alito

WP_Post Object
(
    [ID] => 120162
    [post_author] => 4
    [post_date] => 2024-06-12 22:04:28
    [post_date_gmt] => 2024-06-13 05:04:28
    [post_content] => 

Sam Alito is so ugly that he can't even see his ugliness.

Yes, Sam Alito is so ugly that he can't even see his ugliness. I don't mean looks, but the deep inner ugliness of character that keeps oozing from this so-called "supreme" judge. Start with the unabashed lies he told senators to win his lifetime appointment to America's powerfully undemocratic judicial branch. Lie No. 1 was his promise not to mess with women's constitutional right to reproductive freedom. But once he put on his authoritarian black robe, he wrote the court's edict ripping that right from every woman. Later, Alito got caught secretly accepting a freebie trip to a luxury fishing lodge, paid for by a billionaire vulture capitalist. Far from embarrassed, he haughtily asserted that as a Supreme he has no ethical duty even to report such gifts of "personal hospitality." Indeed, he's led the Supreme Court's corrupt refusal to adopt an enforceable code of ethics (which every other public office must do). Which brings us to Alito's current flag flap, revealing a clownish show of tone-deaf arrogance. Abandoning any pretense of judicial impartiality, he's had flags flying at both his home and beach house, ostentatiously trumpeting his embrace of MAGA extremism and his opposition to President Joe Biden. How, then, can he be a fair judge of upcoming cases concerning Trump's anti-democratic power grabs? No problem, said Sam Alito, imperiously waving off proper demands that he remove himself from ruling on these cases. Trying to deflect a tsunami of criticism, the black-robed scoundrel resorted to the classic "gentleman's dodge": He blamed his wife. "My wife is fond of flying flags," he said, insisting that the never even noticed them flapping in front of his houses for the world to see. That's not just ugly. It's supremely stupid.

Hear Corporate America's New Euphemisms for Gouging You

We should pay attention to corporate America's fluctuating wordplay, for their frequent contortions of language disguise ploys to dupe, confuse and rip off us hoi polloi -- i.e., their customers. For example, here's a mouthful that's been gaining popularity among manufacturers of food products: price pack architecture. It's a bit of gobbledygook meant to obscure the profiteering practice of -- shhhh -- ever so quietly shrinking the size and contents of their packages -- without lowering prices. Economists dubbed this "shrinkflation," but that too clearly implied gouging. Thus, corporate image-makers invented the incomprehensible nonsense phrase of PPA to cloak their anti-consumer trickery. This convoluted codeword also allows the tricksters to brag openly about their cleverness to their Wall Street investors. Here's Coca-Cola's CEO, for example, doing corporate-speak to bankers in February: "We are leveraging our revenue growth management capabilities to tailor our offerings and price pack architecture to meet consumers' evolving needs." English translation: Consumers will need to pay us more for less Coke. You could almost hear the bankers weep for joy over Coke's sneaky scheme to stiff its customers. Perhaps you've wondered what big-time corporate CEOs actually do to rake in their exorbitant salaries, now averaging more than $8,000 an hour! Well, there it is: The CEO's main job is to keep workers' pay low, monopolize markets and constantly invent slick ways to squeeze another dime from each consumer's pocket. It's not honest work, but it does pay well. Coca-Cola's CEO James Quincey, for example, hauled in $25 million in pay last year. That's 1,800 times more than the annual income of the typical Coca-Cola worker, who'll now pay more for a sip of Coke, thanks to Quincey's "price pack architecture." [post_title] => There's the Good, the Bad and the Ugly ... and Then There's Sam Alito [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => sam-alito [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2024-06-12 22:04:28 [post_modified_gmt] => 2024-06-13 05:04:28 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://www.humortimes.com/?p=120162 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 1 [filter] => raw )

Sam Alito is so ugly that he can’t even see his ugliness. Yes, Sam Alito is so ugly that he can’t even see his ugliness. I don’t mean … Read more

Share